NOTE: This was originally intended for Trop's "Worst Graduation Speech" competition. I did not realize, however, that their midnight deadline was Eastern time. So when I submitted my entry at 10pm, I was time zone cock blocked (TZCB). Despite my brave attempts to argue that procrastinating until the last minute encapsulates the true spirit of college, I was shot down by a woman via e-mail (bringing back even more college memories). So here is the speech in its entirety. Being modest, I assume it would have won at least second prize. ****** May 7, 2013 Dear fellow soon-to-be graduates of the Class of 2013, Wikipedia defines Crossroads as “a 2002 comedy/drama starring Britney Spears.” And that is exactly where we are right now. Today marks a fork in the crossroads of our lives. During the first semester of sophomore year, I enrolled in "Intro to American Poetry." Pointless class. Dropped it after two weeks when the professor
Over-caffeinated and underpaid. Go America. Go Dodgers.