tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-187198452024-03-18T19:46:36.445-07:00Max-stravaganzaOver-caffeinated and underpaid. Go America. Go Dodgers.Max Davisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12357167196487741255noreply@blogger.comBlogger164125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18719845.post-33929392028525603382020-11-23T12:17:00.000-08:002020-11-23T12:17:10.238-08:00 Quiz - Tyler Durden or My Father at Thanksgiving Dinner?<p><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span data-offset-key="a7r52-1-0" style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Who said it: Tyler Durden or My Father at Thanksgiving Dinner?</span></span></span></p><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="1j8um" data-offset-key="1nlo0-0-0" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="1nlo0-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="1nlo0-0-0" style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br data-text="true" /></span></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="1j8um" data-offset-key="acnm-0-0" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="acnm-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="acnm-0-0" style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">1) How’s that working out for you? Being clever?</span></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="1j8um" data-offset-key="9bnp7-0-0" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="9bnp7-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="9bnp7-0-0" style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">2) Isn’t it time you realized your full potential and became a real man?</span></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="1j8um" data-offset-key="7mv8j-0-0" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="7mv8j-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="7mv8j-0-0" style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">3) Get married. Buy a house. Start a family. This is what you've always wanted, right?</span></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="1j8um" data-offset-key="c1hkm-0-0" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="c1hkm-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="c1hkm-0-0" style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">4) Meanwhile you’re wasting your time, writing your little satirical pieces instead of contributing to society.</span></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="1j8um" data-offset-key="dftmc-0-0" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="dftmc-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="dftmc-0-0" style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">5) Do you have any idea how much we spent on your MFA?</span></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="1j8um" data-offset-key="chi23-0-0" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="chi23-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="chi23-0-0" style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">6) Oh what’s that? You’re not doing it for the money? Just for “the exposure?” That’s the same excuse you used on improv classes!</span></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="1j8um" data-offset-key="1dbjs-0-0" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="1dbjs-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="1dbjs-0-0" style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">7) Yes, I’m aware that the world needs artists now more than ever, but that doesn’t prevent you from working as a copywriter to subsidize your “art.”</span></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="1j8um" data-offset-key="3v6on-0-0" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="3v6on-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="3v6on-0-0" style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">8) Yes, I’ve read the examples you’ve sent. Those “Who said it?” quizzes.</span></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="1j8um" data-offset-key="8fgbn-0-0" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="8fgbn-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="8fgbn-0-0" style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">9) Even your mother felt they were too cute by half.</span></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="1j8um" data-offset-key="7n2np-0-0" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="7n2np-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="7n2np-0-0" style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">10) No, Valerie, That wasn't meant as an insult. I'm sorry you took it that way. Can we please get back to dinner?</span></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="1j8um" data-offset-key="bgqaq-0-0" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="bgqaq-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="bgqaq-0-0" style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">11) It's always the same punchline where it turns out that all the quotes are from one speaker. Like that “Mike Pence or Cruella de Vil” one that you self-published on that Facebook blog thing of yours.</span></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="1j8um" data-offset-key="btcfi-0-0" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="btcfi-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="btcfi-0-0" style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">12) Because if you have to explain your core concept, then it isn’t a good bit of satire!</span></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="1j8um" data-offset-key="b6ci3-0-0" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="b6ci3-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="b6ci3-0-0" style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">13) Yes, I’m aware of what “subverting expectations” means. I get it. It’s very clever.</span></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="1j8um" data-offset-key="33p9o-0-0" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="33p9o-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="33p9o-0-0" style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">14) How’s that working out for you? Being clever?</span></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="1j8um" data-offset-key="8jg7s-0-0" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="8jg7s-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="8jg7s-0-0" style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br data-text="true" /></span></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="1j8um" data-offset-key="v0d7-0-0" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="v0d7-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="v0d7-0-0" style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Answers:</span></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="1j8um" data-offset-key="2mnvi-0-0" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="2mnvi-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="2mnvi-0-0" style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Tyler Durden - 1, 14</span></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="1j8um" data-offset-key="85r23-0-0" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="85r23-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="85r23-0-0" style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">My Dad - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14</span></span></div></div>Max Davisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12357167196487741255noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18719845.post-83049698723693342162020-07-20T12:37:00.003-07:002020-07-20T12:37:35.271-07:00Defund the Gotham City Police!<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
Next week, the Gotham City Council will vote on its proposed $10.5 billion dollar budget for its ineffective and destructive police department.<b> </b>More money will be wasted on military grade tanks, riot gear, and anti-vigilante task forces while crime remains at record highs, confidence in the police is at an all time low, and citizens are more likely to trust their fate to a clearly sociopathic individual dressed like a bat. </div>
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We, the citizens of Gotham, are tired of watching as we misappropriate funds to ensure mass incarceration while bank robberies still seem to occur every month and Arkham Asylum’s recidivism rate is nearly 100%. Gotham’s proactive policing is indicative of a broken criminal justice system and a broken city that cries out for serious, long overdue change.<b></b></div>
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The resources spent hunting down Catwoman after she robs yet another billionaire could easily address this city’s clear mental health crisis. Look at how many of our citizens dress up in costumes and engage in elaborate crime sprees. More access to quality therapists would keep them out of Arkham to begin with<b> </b>and we subsequently wouldn't have to spend so much on Penguin bomb defusing robots. </div>
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Defunding the GCPD redirects spending towards our understaffed hospitals and clinics. We wouldn’t require stockpiles of Joker toxin anti-venom if we invested in our public health system in the first place. It also means that this city can finally stop relying on charitable gifts from the Wayne Foundation to fund our schools and public transit. We can say goodbye to One Percenter Bruce Wayne and his white knight philanthropy, attempting to buy penance for his privilege. </div>
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The city's only effective weapon against crime is the Batman, and the GCPD spends considerable manpower attempting to capture him. Granted, the Bat’s methods tend towards brutality and his lack of accountability is concerning, but he consistently has a faster response time and causes less collateral damage than the police. And the Batman does not cost the city a single cent. As long as we earmark enough funding for Bat-Signal maintenance, Gotham can police itself. </div>
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Jim Gordon, while a well-meaning and decent man, continues to be the most incompetent commissioner this city has ever seen. Gotham consistently has the highest crime rate in the country, worse than Metropolis, Central City, or even Grodd’s Gorilla Cit<b>y. </b>We demand Gordon’s immediate resignation and that he be replaced with the fresh new perspective of Detective Renee Montoya. </div>
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A proper budget will finally address the city’s lack of affordable housing and abundance of dark and depressing infrastructure. Broken lamps and dark streets make it far too easy for robbers and thieves to attack and escape, perpetuating this systemic culture of crime. This city has an entire block whose official designation is “Crime Alley.” This should not be normalized.</div>
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We will also vastly increase funding of the performing arts so we can rebuild this city’s vibrant and diverse culture. We need to revitalize our old movie theaters, circuses and the Gotham Opera so that a family can enjoy a night out without fear of being mugged or accosted. </div>
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My fellow Gothamites, we are stuck in a perpetually deteriorating system that fails to protect those who most need it. I urge you to stand up and call your local councilperson and demand change. Tear down this corrupt city and give it back to the people! With this new budget and reallocation of responsibility, the Gotham Police will finally serve true justice!</div>
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Signed,</div>
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Benevolent Advocates for Neighborhood Empowerment </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1V4x9SM-z_F0Y50DVhwPdi-rUgPhSYahhLAFL9p5k3V91Np4xUQTHeh3V1WmwWdM4i3qNQ5PIMs8qRPMb5Y9KZMWUki6yR-TVnNJNg_N3bqCNIXXNzmplsEVecQ9ZDrxwPlBXqw/s1600/DSwW5l9U8AM-_8S.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="793" data-original-width="1075" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1V4x9SM-z_F0Y50DVhwPdi-rUgPhSYahhLAFL9p5k3V91Np4xUQTHeh3V1WmwWdM4i3qNQ5PIMs8qRPMb5Y9KZMWUki6yR-TVnNJNg_N3bqCNIXXNzmplsEVecQ9ZDrxwPlBXqw/s320/DSwW5l9U8AM-_8S.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Max Davisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12357167196487741255noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18719845.post-40941974986211404832020-02-28T16:57:00.000-08:002020-02-28T16:57:56.587-08:00HR's Response to the Always Be Closing Speech <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Dear Mr. Blake-</div>
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My office has received numerous complaints in response to Tuesday’s
speech to the sales team re: the Glengarry leads.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These troubling accusations detail inappropriate conduct such
as: verbal abuse, workplace bullying, emasculation, damage to self-esteem and
emotional health, and the overall fostering of a hostile and cutthroat work
environment, all of which flies in the face of the mission statement and core
values of Mitch & Murray Real Estate.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
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You employed inflammatory language and certain epithets<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>that you can’t use anymore (and never
should have been able to use, if we’re being honest), leading to a speech that was
offensive to a multitude of groups, even those not present in the room (Note to
self: We should make a concerted effort to hire at least one woman to our sales
staff).</div>
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In another office, any of these infractions would be grounds
for termination.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Per our company
guidelines, however, we are now considering the possibility of probation after
your next offense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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In the past, you have responded to these HR complaints (when
choosing not to disregard multiple e-mails and phone calls and in-person
visits) with diatribes that inquired about the whereabouts of my genitalia and
relentlessly mocked my “soft, bureaucratic, Subaru-driving, Beta male, limp
wristed handshake.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But this time
I ask that you address some glaring lapses in your organizational
infrastructure and motivational techniques.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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These accounts cited numerous instances of debasement,
including: “You call yourself a salesman, you son of a b***h?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“The f**king leads are weak?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’re weak.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You think this is abuse, you c**ks***er?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You used so many expletives, in fact,
that while typing up this report, my star key just now snapped in half, so I apologize
for spelling out these vulgarities in full from here on out.</div>
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Positive language has been proven to be more effective than
cruel, berating tirades.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Use
encouraging phrases such as “I’d prefer it if you would do X” or “Might there
be another way to accomplish Y?” rather than “Fuck you” and “Fuck you.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I urge you to take an interest in your
coworkers rather than targeting their weaknesses on a personal level.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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DO: Ask open-ended questions about your subordinate’s role
as a new father.</div>
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DON’T: Tell him “Fuck you, go home and play with your kids.”</div>
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Setting clear goals and rewards will inspire collaboration,
rather than selling one another out for the sake of winning a set of steak
knives. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b>There are better motivational tactics than bragging about
the size of your watch, your car, your salary, and one complaint mentioned a
literal set of brass testicles, which I can only assume/hope was a custom made
visual aid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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As I have made clear in several intra-office memos, coffee
is not reserved exclusively for closers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That communal pot of coffee is designed to raise morale and promote an
inclusive corporate culture that extends across different success levels and
economic strata. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sales is a
relationship business and sometimes the best salesman, sorry, sales<u>person</u>
isn’t the one who closes the most deals or brings in the most revenue or
contributes the most to the bottom line of the company.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The worst offense is the fact that you continue to
perpetuate the “Always Be Closing” school of thought despite it being
discredited by most management consultants.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As outlined in the countless pamphlets I have left on your
desk, we now embrace the mnemonic techniques of: Always Be Compassionate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Always Be Caring.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Always Be Conscious of your employee’s emotional
state before saying anything that might be construed as offensive or
unnecessarily ruthless based on a perceived lack of manliness and/or failing to
live up to your narrow definition of success.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>ABC.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
simple.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It also bears noting that sales crashed after your ersatz “pep
talk,” with multiple employees quitting, citing increased stress and low job
satisfaction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One salesman robbed
the office and wound up in police custody, causing quite the pile up of exit
paperwork, fines, and potential lawsuits, all of which made my life
considerably more difficult. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would
prefer it if you would not threaten the staff into committing felonies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Might there be another, more efficient
way to reach our monthly sales quotas?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Despite all of my carefully worded suggestions and thoughtful
performance review feedback, I have not witnessed a single indication that you
are willing to alter your management style. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No matter how many sensitivity seminars I recommend or
voluntary mentorship programs I enact, you will continue to be a frustrating,
toxic presence in this office that serves only to hinder progress and--</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Know what?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Upon
second thought, I am suspending you without pay for the next three months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s my call to make and I just made it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m from HR and I am here on a mission
of vengeance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do I have
your attention now?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I’m sure you’ll be whining about what?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some guy in HR won’t cave to your abuse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some pencil pusher won’t let a real man
do his job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Alimony payments eating
into your paycheck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well let’s
talk about something important.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Genuine
human connections.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Good salesman?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Who gives a shit?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Crushing
it on commission?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Go cry about it in
your BMW as you drive home to your future ex-wife.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Fuck you” should be your name.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And you know why?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Because manliness doesn’t mean broad shoulders and a raspy voice and a
Brooks Brothers rewards card.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
means a concern for the well being of those around you, you pathetic testosterone-soaked
protohuman.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So be kind and considerate and respect others’ personal
boundaries, you pencil-dicked walking overcompensation of a man, or I will put
the “severe” back in “severance.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hit
the bricks, pal, and beat it because your SunTzu-inspired Dunning-Kruger
confidence isn’t going to save you this time, asshole.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you have any follow-up questions or concerns, please do
not hesitate to reach out. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
schedule will always be clear.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Warm Regards,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Doug from HR</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://mfgsolutions.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/always-be-closing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="292" data-original-width="584" height="200" src="https://mfgsolutions.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/always-be-closing.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment--><br />Max Davisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12357167196487741255noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18719845.post-5268672335148743972018-05-07T17:06:00.003-07:002021-03-16T11:19:06.469-07:00Kickstarter Project Update #37 - Our 3D printed water bottles and our co-founder are being held hostage by pirates
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<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dear Backers/fellow dream chasers,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fourteen months ago, you proudly declared that not only did
you want a BPA-free water bottle with a custom-printed conforming grip, but you
also agreed with the core message and vision of H20DNA.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Part of that mission statement includes
being upfront about our delivery timeline. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The good news is that we have finally manufactured every single
bottle and they are truly amazing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There is, however, one minor, fairly negligible hiccup.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nicaraguan pirates have abducted the completed
shipment of bottles as well as our co-founder, Eric Steen-Owens.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But do not worry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Start-up culture means always following through, and just as you didn’t
quit when we challenged you to hit the stretch goals of a fanny pack attachment
and CamelBak adaptor straw, we will not stop until those bottles (and Eric) are
delivered to your door and the US consulate, respectively.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-For those of you who pledged up to $35 dollars, you should
have already received your personalized thank you post card.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-For the $55 tier, your name has been written on our company
wall in beautiful graffiti, forever reminding us of your commitment and
reaffirming our own.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-For backers of $85 or more, all I can offer is a request
for continued patience as we attempt to deliver your one (1) bottle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hopefully you have already used our app
to take a 3D scan of your grip.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sadly, Eric will have to repeat that process as the pirates sent two of
his fingers to us as proof of life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Thankfully, our proprietary software only takes 90 seconds to perfectly
model your hand’s unique contours, so this will barely even qualify as an
inconvenience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Please know that we understand and share your
frustration.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We cannot wait to
share these bottles, our culture, and our hope for a better tomorrow with
you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>From what Eric told me before
his cell phone cut out, these bottles are entirely worth the extra eight months
of R&D.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And let’s face it: you
don’t want a refund.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You want a
once in a lifetime bottle that is just as unique as you are.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As you might remember from previous updates, this is not the
first small, unforeseeable, trivial, not-in-the-least-bit-our-fault snag in the
production process. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have dealt
with leaky polymers, plastics that may or may not have been toxic, a<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>co-packer that was “sweat shop
adjacent,” coders who jumped ship and shortly thereafter another company beat
us to market with a similar (if aggressively second rate) product, followed by baseless
allegations of intellectual property theft, and then another round of leaky
prototypes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And if those setbacks didn’t
stop us, neither will a minor kidnapping and a nitpicky dispute with the
Department of Justice over the legal definition of the phrase “international jurisdiction.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some (including our cowardly former co-founders) have told
us,<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>“It’s just a water bottle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Move on and start doing something
important with your lives.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well
this isn’t “just” a water bottle, Amanda.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="background: white; color: #282828; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">The
way our bottles are designed and manufactured is completely new. </span>We are
changing the way that millions, possibly billions, will consume the most
important nutrient in the galaxy. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Haters
gonna hate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Innovators gonna
innovate.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Did Elon Musk quit? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did the MySpace guy quit?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did Elizabeth Holmes?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Did we quit even after all five Sharks were out on the deal and Mark
Cuban told us that we only had a niche product and valuing ourselves at $3
million was an absurdity that only Millennial lobotomy patients would consider
to be reasonable?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Despite what some visionless hacks may have implied, our persistent
dedication to these bottles isn’t solely driven by a need to validate our
idiocy and avoid having to admit that we were unprepared and underfunded and
lacked the necessary production capacity or knowledge of how to manufacture or
distribute a product.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hardly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And those accusations only make us want
to scale up even faster.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But not
out of spite.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course not.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We are doing this because we believe in this product.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our faith in H2ODNA’s mission fuels us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It motivates us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>what sent Eric to Central America for quality assurance and it is
what is continuing to keep him alive as he is ironically very, very
dehydrated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But to quote Cameron
Winklevoss, “There is no such thing as a problem; only an opportunity.”<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Heck, maybe we could pivot and found another company that
connects hostages’ families to third party rescue teams, providing liquidity to
a marketplace that the Geneva Convention doesn’t cover.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But before building that billion dollar
idea, first things first.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let’s deliver
your bottle.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So in the interest of continuing to be as transparent as the
proprietary non-toxic plastic we now use, here is our updated timeline:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the coming weeks, we will be
launching a GoFundMe for the ransom money.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After hitting that goal, we will find an independent defense
contractor who is able to facilitate an easy release of your bottles (and Eric).
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After moving the shipment through
customs, we will execute one final stress test (of both the bottles and Eric’s
reattached digits).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pending
approval, those bottles will finally be in your hands in no less than another
twelve and a half weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My mind goes back to the final minutes of the Kickstarter campaign
when we still hadn’t hit our goal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Some of us felt this was a sign.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We could take a mulligan and spare ourselves the embarrassment of having
to cobble together a cohesive business plan and fulfill all those orders.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But you know who thinks like that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cowardly WANT-repreneurs like my childhood best friends who
don’t have the enterprising genes to cut it in Web 3.0.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And just as how my own pledge put us
over the top that night, I will continue to singlehandedly persevere and grow
the brand of H2ODNA and spread our message.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a message that I’m sure Eric agrees with: Never say
die.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So thank you again for your patience and positivity, and we
hope you will support our next Kickstarter campaign for “CaptIV,” our hostage
negotiation app that connects victims of kidnapping with non-governmental
ransom experts operating outside the realm of the International Court of
Justice.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yours,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Casey McCarthy-Ward</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Acting sole founder/Teamwork Coordinator</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
#H2ODNA</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
#HYDRATIONNATION</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
#FREEOURFOUNDER</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkTS27Z1eqenO3y6TLPjN4VwsBGIdk2BNc2c_VrI3JpEuztj1eLa92lCYU-C292wcxpQGGSJC9xPZCkpSwfKsDpQfMMKceuDTpxjT7FJlP3YOKM_p6QOapqSKAEWKkzvmEbX3WKA/s1600/depositphotos_174651896-stock-photo-teamwork.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1168" data-original-width="1600" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkTS27Z1eqenO3y6TLPjN4VwsBGIdk2BNc2c_VrI3JpEuztj1eLa92lCYU-C292wcxpQGGSJC9xPZCkpSwfKsDpQfMMKceuDTpxjT7FJlP3YOKM_p6QOapqSKAEWKkzvmEbX3WKA/s320/depositphotos_174651896-stock-photo-teamwork.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div>
<!--EndFragment--><br />Max Davisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12357167196487741255noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18719845.post-57046836159871739832017-10-10T09:23:00.001-07:002017-10-10T09:23:30.275-07:00Did this gum wrapper just spoil The Last Jedi?<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";"><span style="font-size: normal;">To the casual fan, this promotional piece of
Star Wars Bazooka Bubble Gum is just another example of Disney commencing
primary ignition on their merchandising Death Star. But to the keen,
detail-oriented observer, this stick of gum contains a very accurate look at
the blueprints of the upcoming Episode VIII. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";"><span style="font-size: normal;">These unfortunate reveals occur far too
frequently, such as when the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Guardians
of the Galaxy Vol. 2</i> action figures spoiled that Kurt Russell would
play Ego the Living Planet. Or the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Civil War</i> Lego set that let slip the unannounced appearance of
Giant Man. Or when the Mondo black light poster for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Suicide Squad</i> revealed that the
studio had locked David Ayer out of the post-production process.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: normal;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";">THE WRAPPER</span></u></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";"><span style="font-size: normal;">Luke Skywalker, Kylo Ren and a Porg are front
and center.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>This image
suggests that Kylo and Luke will face off, corroborating comments made by
director Rian Johnson as well as on-set reports that Mark Hamill and Adam
Driver shot scenes together<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">. </b>But
the insertion of the Porg into this central conflict is most intriguing.
It is easy to overlook, but the Porg has a shadow cast over its face, a clear
indication of the Dark Side. Sounds like LucasFilm is officially
appropriating our “Jar Jar is a Sith Master” theory into their own continuity.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: normal;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";">THE COMIC</span></u></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";"><span style="font-size: normal;">In a three-panel strip, a frustrated Poe
Dameron asks a series of questions. “Why isn’t my ship ready? Why
is this helmet so tight? Why won’t anyone answer me?” Rey responds,
“Forget an X-Wing. This guy should fly a WHY-wing bomber!” as Finn,
wearing Stormtrooper armor, rolls his eyes. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";"><span style="font-size: normal;">Even if Disney removes this scene from the
final cut (just for the sake of swerving audiences who have already figured out
the twist), the thematic implication is clear: a cynical Rey has lost
faith in the Resistance, presumably after uncovering the secret that General
Leia is her long lost mother.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times"; font-size: normal;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times"; font-size: normal;">Poe, meanwhile, shows signs of residual PTSD,
or he might have been brainwashed by the First Order in Force Awakens.
But I wouldn't want to speculate.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";"><span style="font-size: normal;">At the Star Wars Celebration in Orlando, John
Boyega stated that his character has “Big things in store for him.” It’s
now clear that he meant a Stormtrooper reunion with Captain Phasma (and thanks
to her concealed face, she could still very well be his biological mother).<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";"><span style="font-size: normal;">More significantly, Finn is not wearing Poe’s
iconic jacket, so it seems unlikely that LucasFilm will put the two together as
a couple. And notable by her conspicuous absence in this bubble gum
narrative is the new Vietnamese character Rose Tico. Could her entrance
to the saga also be her exit? So much for Disney’s commitment to
diversity and inclusion.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: normal;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";">THE GUM</span></u></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";"><span style="font-size: normal;">The gum itself took 41 chews before it lost
flavor. Other fans have confirmed this number, with a few outliers saying
43 and one troll reporting 46. 41 is a key number in Star Wars lore, as at
the 41<sup>st</sup> minute of A New Hope, the Death Star annihilates the
planet Alderaan. And in the 41<sup>st</sup> minute of Episode II, we
meet Jango Fett and the Mandalorian clone army.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";"><span style="font-size: normal;">Both Leia and clones were focal points of the
spin-off novel “The Last Command," making it abundantly clear that Benicio
Del Toro’s as-of-yet unnamed character is Grand Admiral Thrawn, implying that
despite JJ Abrams' earlier comments, the Timothy Zahn novels are, in fact,
canonical. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i></b>I’ll have to reread the entire Thrawn trilogy to discover
more plot spoilers...or avoid it entirely so I’ll be even slightly surprised
when I see the film.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: normal;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";">THE VERY BOTTOM OF THE COMIC</span></u></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";"><span style="font-size: normal;">In small print, Bazooka Joe offers the
one-liner: “BB-8 is BB-Great!” With his gaunt facial structure and his
trademark eye patch, Joe resembles which seemingly one-eyed Star Wars
character? Exactly. Supreme Leader Snoke.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";"><span style="font-size: normal;">So adding together both the reintroduction of
clones<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>and the one-eyed Bazooka
Joe, this outright confirms the “Snoke is a clone of Darth Plagueis” theory
that circulated after Reddit user N3rfHerder77 solved the word search on the
back of the Force Awakens tie-in box of Rice Krispies.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";"><span style="font-size: normal;">Snoke is an ancient Force vampire who leeches
off of a Jedi’s energy before spitting them out, much like gum chewers do to
this product in a bit of meta-commentary that also mirrors what Kathleen
Kennedy does to her directors. I tell you, if this gum had been released
earlier, we would have seen the Colin Trevorrow firing coming from 12 parsecs
away.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";"><span style="font-size: normal;">One hoped that the people at LucasFilm would
have taken better precautions with spoilers in their licensed merchandise. They
might as well printed the entire screenplay on this wrapper. Disney could
have simply given us one or two scant clues and we’d still have plenty to chew
on.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";"><span style="font-size: normal;">Wait. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";"><span style="font-size: normal;">Chew on...<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";"><span style="font-size: normal;">Chewy...<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";"><span style="font-size: normal;">Chewbacca...<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";"><span style="font-size: normal;">Oh good lord. We just got confirmation
that the Wookiee homeworld of Kashyyyk is going to explode in the Kathryn
Bigelow-directed Boba Fett spin-off!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";"><span style="font-size: small;">-30-<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-moE6ZxLLHtCBYWBBrf4FRMCUkdWdqTnFpp3nOxrUHJF9hvLHCmVLxhuBNsyLJYQpZjwQonAJGGjcWCjZaYWIXX8jCqc2T9ZTVtnlQVWq6eA3XOaospjxIPQr-eGX2hbnTfonDA/s1600/star-wars-the-last-jedi-poster-700x1037-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="775" data-original-width="1240" height="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-moE6ZxLLHtCBYWBBrf4FRMCUkdWdqTnFpp3nOxrUHJF9hvLHCmVLxhuBNsyLJYQpZjwQonAJGGjcWCjZaYWIXX8jCqc2T9ZTVtnlQVWq6eA3XOaospjxIPQr-eGX2hbnTfonDA/s400/star-wars-the-last-jedi-poster-700x1037-1.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times";"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Max Davisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12357167196487741255noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18719845.post-89368797820244631412017-04-27T11:27:00.000-07:002017-04-27T11:27:22.497-07:00David Foster Wallace Writes CVS Receipts<div class="MsoNormal">
CVS PHARMACY - Transaction #3187420</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
CVS Nasal Decongestant<sup>1 </sup>- $17.89</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Starbucks<sup>2 </sup>Doubleshot Vanilla - $2.77</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Gillette shaving cream - $7.99<sup>3</sup></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2x Right Guard deodorant<sup>4</sup> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>- $5.49</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Advil 60 ct<sup>5</sup> - $4.69</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Neutrogena facial cleanser<sup>6</sup> - $5.99</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Total: $44.82</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Cash<sup>7</sup> transaction - Paid $50.00</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Change: $5.18</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Trip summary - Today you saved: 18%</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thank you<sup>8</sup>!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
**********</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
1. Allergies had been a constant issue for Hal ever since
a family trip to Puget Sound twenty years ago prompted his esophagus to close
up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ear, nose and throat issues
had always plagued his family, with the exception of his sister Brenda, the golden
child who never suffered agonizing sneezing fits; she of the preternaturally
infectious energy normally reserved for golden retriever puppies or Roger
Federer in the fifth set at Wimbledon.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hal’s deviated septum led to chronic sinusitis and a
perpetual need for antihistamines.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Today he was opting for the store brand<sup>a</sup> rather than Nasacort after
his insurance plan cut back on prescription drug coverage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His next purchase of CVS Fluticasone
Propionate<sup>b</sup> nasal spray would enjoy a $3 discount if he used his Extracare
card.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
1a. The venture capital firm of Kravis Kohlberg and
Roberts performed hyper-meticulous amounts of due diligence before an attempted
hostile takeover of Walgreen’s and determined the specific metric of discounts
needed in order to sway consumers to purchase the generic brand.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
1b. The active corticosteroid ingredient in Flonase.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2. Long, seemingly endless, Sisyphean days at the office
have resulted in Hal’s increased need for productivity (and a proportional
feeling of isolation).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hal knew
that the amount of stimulants could be detrimental to his heart health, but his
need for alertness outweighed that fear.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While he did hate himself for imbibing such large quantities
of caffeine, coffee was a known antioxidant (much in the same way that red wine
can be written off as “somewhat healthier than other types of alcohol”), so he
would often opt for the Starbucks energy drink rather than any of the multitudinous
varieties of Rockstar or Monster or any beverage whose name denoted an obscene
amount of vitality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>$1 off a $4
energy drink purchase would help feed Hal’s habit (coffee and multipacks
excluded).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
3. The Gillette Corporation began the nuclear arms race
of razor blade proliferation in 1998 with the innovation of the Mach3 razor,
the first disposable unit with three blades.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some saw this as a struggle against inevitability, as a
three bladed razor would beget a four, which would beget a five and so on and
so forth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At which point do we as a
society come to the collective conclusion that our razor blades are of a
sufficient number and we don’t need to continue this escalation?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or is the promise of another, better
blade going to keep us perpetually holding out for a closer shave?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
4. Tennis had become a part of Hal’s fitness routine (partly
due to Nicole, who played doubles opposite their court every Sunday morning).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hal sprained his ankle the previous
week, but he played through the injury, reinforcing that inherently Western
belief that only through an act of extreme intensity can we propel ourselves
into a state of actualization.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
5. [Excerpts from a recent phone conversation between Hal
and his mother]:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
MOM: I read an article about what too much Advil can do your
kidneys.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
HAL: I just take a few before and after tennis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not like I’m addicted to
ibuprofen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
MOM: The bottle says you should take two, but the recommended
dosage is much higher than you need.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
HAL: No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s
why it’s recommended.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
MOM: Your father was on Bayer after his heart attack and you
saw how that--</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
HAL: It’s not addictive</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
MOM: Did you watch 60 Minutes?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because that good looking anchor said not to trust
pharmaceutical companies.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
HAL: Anderson Cooper?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
MOM: No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
other one<sup>a</sup>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
HAL: He’s the one you’re thinking of.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
MOM: And don’t be rude to me!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your sister never demeans me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
HAL: Mom, I need to hang up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
5a. She was, in fact, thinking of Anderson Cooper.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
6. It had been five months since he and Grace had their
allegedly mutual breakup, meaning that it was time for Hal to start dating
again - at least, he had begun that romantic process by installing the app
“Mutual Friendz<sup>a</sup>.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While a date
was not imminent, Hal felt that it was important to be blemish free in case he
should ever go out with a woman.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And after he spent another $27.48 on beauty supplies, he would earn $5
in ExtraBucks rewards.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
6a. Named so it would sound less depressing and lonely when
people asked how you and your chosen romantic partner happened to first meet.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
7. When he was 15, Hal’s father instilled upon him the
importance of not charging when you had the cash in hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He wrote a check for their family
sedan, even though interest rates were low during the Clinton years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hal’s decision to pay with cash and not
his Chase card was rooted in financial responsibility and had nothing to do, he
emphasized, with his sister’s job at a large consulting firm that handles
credit card companies as clients.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
8. Even CVS began to wonder whether or not these elongated
receipts were doing any good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
did not solely apply to the pros and cons of spending X number of dollars on
advertising and mailers for every Y number of revenue dollars brought in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, CVS’s fears ran deeper than
that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was about whether this
long, Kubrickian hallway of a receipt and the equally long time spent waiting
for it to print were annoying their clientele far beyond the value of the
coupons and ExtraBucks.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How much will we, as customers, put up with in order to
potentially save a few dollars and receive some marginal utility? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How long and how hard is CVS going to
work before they realize that all the effort and ink is merely transforming
into something readily discarded and frequently maligned and more often skimmed
than ever read?<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We already struggle enough in our non-shopping hours with
exercise, a job, a relationship, deadlines and commitments; and now a store
that prides itself on convenience is exacerbating that feeling of hopelessness
and anti-climax.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So who, if anyone, truly benefits from CVS’s Gordian Knot of
manipulative pseudo-targeted advertising? <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></b>It is certainly not the environment, and I have yet
to even mention the ecological impact of the paper receipts that will presumably
wind up in a landfill and continue to decay long after the coupons for a dollar
off Tic Tacs have expired.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Reusable microfiber towels will be on sale 2-for-1 until May
23.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-30-</div>
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Max Davisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12357167196487741255noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18719845.post-11215583532886669502017-03-17T18:38:00.000-07:002017-03-17T18:38:16.687-07:00Autopsy Report - Cause of Death: Toxic Masculinity<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Marin County
Coroner’s Office</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Name of Deceased: McDowell, Trent</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Sex: Male</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Age: 31</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">T.O.D: 9:31pm</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Body identified by: The woman the deceased was dating<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i></b>(not
“his girlfriend.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She made this
distinction - see supplementary notes for details)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Autopsy performed by: Randy “Doc Savage” Russell, M.D.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">EXTERNAL EXAMINATION:
<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The autopsy began at 11:30PM on February 14th.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The victim was wearing a Brooks
Brothers blazer over an Oakland Raiders t-shirt. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Upon removal of the deceased’s clothes, I detected an odor of
Tom Ford Noir cologne, applied liberally. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Calluses on hands are consistent with lifting free weights
and not actual manual labor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Judging by the proportional strength of quadriceps and gluteus maximus
muscles, the deceased rarely skipped leg day.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Victim has two tattoos.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of the Greek letters “Sigma Chi” across right biceps.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the left anterior deltoid, the
second tattoo reads: “Blood, Sweat and Respect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first two you give, the last one you earn.” -Dwayne
Johnson.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Right ear lobe demonstrates that it was once pierced, but was
allowed to close back up.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Abrasions on knuckles and trace amounts of stucco indicate
the deceased<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>had recently punched a wall,
that being the only way he knew to demonstrate anger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">EVIDENCE COLLECTED:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">1) The victim’s cell phone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Recent texts<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i></b>between the deceased and his father
read: “Good.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Sure.” and “You too.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Recent Google searches included: “How
do I change a tire” and “How to tie a double Windsor knot”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">2) One (1) ticket stub for the new X-Men movie (research
shows that the same theater was also screening <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Moonlight</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Lion</i>)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">3) Forty-five (45) new business cards with job title “Advertising
Exec at Hal Riney & Partners”<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>(Silian
Rail font)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">TOXICOLOGY REPORT:</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The following was found in the deceased’s system: Ballast
Point<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>IPA, creatine, small batch
bourbon, insecurity, medium-rare red meat, ill-advised adoration of Norman
Mailer, Bulletproof coffee, self-loathing.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">INTERNAL EXAMINATION:
</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Opening up the deceased, it quickly became clear what we
were dealing with.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">ENDOCRINE SYSTEM - The Pituitary gland secreted almost
exclusively testosterone, which had metastasized (some more cutesy M.E.’s have christened
it “metasterone,” but I will forego that silliness) spreading to all parts of
the body, invading glands and replacing other hormones.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM - The Occipital Lobe of the brain,
which controls sensitivity, was underused to the point of atrophy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Disrupted neural pathways led to<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>a delayed response to affection and a
resulting build up of unresolved emotions and malignant bile.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The frontal, lizard brain portion of the cerebellum (known
also as the “Hemingway quadrant”), which controls male competition, was disproportionally
enlarged.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This bloated region began
to weaken the abutting Language Center, rendering it incapable of speaking or
processing the words “I love you.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">GASTROINTESTINAL TRACT- Numerous stress-induced ulcers in the
deceased’s stomach lining.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
pain receptors had mutated, however, to misinterpret the aching as being a
beneficial sign of virility.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">SUPPLEMENTARY
INTERVIEW: <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The woman who brought the body the hospital said that<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>the deceased refused to define their
relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They were “keeping
it casual,” despite the fact that they were clearly compatible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She added that the deceased had a
competitive streak at sexual intercourse, often furious at himself for not
bringing her to climax.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">FINAL OPINION/REMARKS:</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">My observations of the deceased’s symptoms all point to one
conclusion: the<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>cause of death was
Toxic Masculinity, self-inflicted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It is my opinion that the fatal event occurred as follows: </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">While out at the movies with <s>his girlfriend</s> the girl
he was seeing, a traumatic event forced the deceased to confront his perceived
insecurities.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></b>Presumably it
stemmed from a pathological inability to admit that Michael Fassbender is an
attractive man.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b>Most likely, the deceased was
adamant that he “just doesn’t see men in that way so why are you even asking
me?”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Competing nerve impulses sent contradictory signals to the
brain, which led to his punching a wall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The brain did not know how to properly process either pain or emotion,
causing yet another spike of adrenaline that choked and poisoned the central
nervous system, sending the body into shock.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The hormonal stress response was to inject more toxic
testosterone into the body in an attempt to play through the pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">These toxins would normally be disposed of by the liver, but
it was working double time to process the bourbon, IPA, and residual pent-up
desperation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The victim’s organs
could not sustain that level of masculinity for that long, shutting down, proving
fatal.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">While the death was self-inflicted, part of the blame could
be placed on society for not wiping out this public health epidemic with the requisite
therapy, antibiotics and support of the NFL concussion protocol.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The deceased left the condition
untreated for years, however, hence the self-inflicted designation.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">As of late, this office has seen many instances of this
condition.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></b>Far too
many.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even one is one too
many.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Makes me sad to see another
case of toxic masculinity claim another life. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wait.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Scratch that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My professional capacity doesn’t allow me to be sad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am angry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And that anger reaffirms my stoic resolve that we will one
day find a cure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is the proper response. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">-30-</span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*****</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAq4IMMNbriECmvszp1BxzerDGF4gcxbYglRDCPUoulYiSbA7xkzRUITZUE8cM2mu_4okkOCOeEa8SRDExPpZXsgv2mojq4K4RXhYXZVlmcigFqyTtdXBwxsplg5Mu3-4W9JGDcg/s1600/autopsy-description-sheet.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAq4IMMNbriECmvszp1BxzerDGF4gcxbYglRDCPUoulYiSbA7xkzRUITZUE8cM2mu_4okkOCOeEa8SRDExPpZXsgv2mojq4K4RXhYXZVlmcigFqyTtdXBwxsplg5Mu3-4W9JGDcg/s320/autopsy-description-sheet.gif" width="267" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
Max Davisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12357167196487741255noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18719845.post-45582904256388847422016-12-15T13:40:00.001-08:002016-12-15T13:41:59.905-08:00Blue Apron Will Save Your Relationship!<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">With organic, seasonal ingredients delivered right to your door, Blue Apron is
an easy and fun way for couples to grow closer in the kitchen!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Today, you are preparing Ponzu Glazed Catfish
with Garlic Rice and Blanched Organic Bok Choy. Since this is a team
activity, we have provided two sets of recipes.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>Work together and it will be done twice as fast!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="color: #222222;">INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN</span></u></b><span style="color: #222222;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Okay. This is it. This is D-Day.
This is where you prove that you have what it takes to keep this
relationship going. She’s always saying that you guys don’t do anything
new. I mean, how many times have you been to that Thai place around the
corner? Too goddam many.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">This meal is where you show that you’re
adventurous and spontaneous but also thorough and detail oriented.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i></b>Blue
Apron will save your relationship! That’s a guarantee. Well, not
officially from the company. But I will help you out, bro!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #222222;">STEP ONE:</span></b><span style="color: #222222;"> <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">CLEAN YOUR FRESH PRODUCE AND DON’T BE A
SLOB</b><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">That is exactly what it sounds like. Use
the soap we included and thoroughly rinse the greens. You’re not the type
of guy who haphazardly throws his hands under the faucet and calls it “washing
his hands.” At least, tonight you’re not.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">While cleaning the bok choy, mention that you
heard something about “the plight of organic farmers” on the Malcolm Gladwell
podcast.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>No, not the
podcast. His book. You read about it in Malcolm Gladwell’s new
book.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">What the hell is bok choy? What does
“organic” even mean? We don’t know! We just think that it sounds
socially conscious! Run with it.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #222222;">STEP TWO: STEAM THE RICE AND GIVE HER SPACE</span></b><span style="color: #222222;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">She is going to take care of the rice.
That’s on her list of instructions. So why am I even mentioning this?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="color: #222222;">Just let her cook the rice</span></u></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #222222;">. </span></b><span style="color: #222222;">Don’t
lift the lid to check if it’s done.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>Don’t
look over her shoulder. Trust her. You’re cooking together, but
she’s also independent.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Use this rice time for some playful
banter. To sell that you’re well versed in the language of culinary
greatness, pepper your conversation with the following terms:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">“Julianned”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">“Aromatics”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">“Barefoot Contessa”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">“Maltodextrin”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">“Sou Vit”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">“That hack Alton Brown”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #222222;">STEP THREE: PAN FRY THE FISH AND BE ATTENTIVE TO HER NEEDS</span></b><span style="color: #222222;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">We’re not dealing with red meat where you can
get away with that bullshit “Oh, but I prefer my meat rare!” excuse. This
is fish. Do not dare serve this underdone.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">And don’t rush either, okay? Isn’t she
always saying that you’re either too relaxed or too hurried? Some may see
that being as a man of contradictions, but here, all it means is that you’ll
end up with raw fish, burnt vegetables and an OK Cupid profile to update.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Meanwhile, she’s frying the ginger peanuts
that go on top of the catfish. That's teamwork! You two work great
together! Also,<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i></b>that step has a very high
chance of oil splatter. In case she gets burned, we provided aloe vera in
the packet marked “Extra Scallions.” Say that you started growing some
aloe in your garden. Foresight. Women love that.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Look. I got your back, my man.
Angela, another one of our recipe writers, dumped me a few months ago.
She said that we hit a wall and couldn’t keep up momentum. But you will
not fall into that trap! Learn from my mistakes!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #222222;">STEP FOUR: BLANCHE THE BOK CHOY AND BE A CAPABLE PROVIDER</span></b><span style="color: #222222;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">I’m assuming that you two took a couples
cooking class a few months ago. Show her that you picked something up
from that night and flaunt your knife skills.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">When chopping the bok choy, move the knife
forward and back like you’re shaking hands. Once you’ve got the hang of
that motion, go a bit faster. Maybe even wink at her to show that you are
the master of the kitchen. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Fire and knives. These are the tools
that real men use!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">By the by, I slipped in a few flesh colored
band-aids for when you slice your fingers or scald your hand on the
skillet. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #222222;">STEP FIVE: PLATE THE DISH AND BE OVERWHELMINGLY GENEROUS</span></b><span style="color: #222222;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">We have purposefully only given you enough
food for about one and a half portions. Blue Apron will always leave you
wanting more. If she is hungry, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>give
her yours</u></b>. I don’t care if you’re still hungry. Give her
what she wants. Sacrifice to make her happy!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Just follow these instructions and you two
will be closer than ever, ready to move forward. She will see that you’re
confident but also sensitive. You are strong yet pliable. Bend but
don’t break, just like the superfluous bamboo skewers that we included for the
sake of being aesthetically pleasing.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">I believe in you! Blue Apron believes in
you! You can do this! <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="color: #222222;">INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN</span></u></b><span style="color: #222222;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">You’re trying. He’s trying. But
let’s face it: Blue Apron is the last gasp for any relationship. It’s the
Waterloo for those couples who have exhausted all other avenues and are too
tired to truly make an effort. It’s just a band-aid, not unlike the type
he’ll wear for his inevitable macho-chopping-related wounds.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">This isn’t a hard recipe. Not
particularly intricate. Cook the catfish for five minutes on one side,
throw in the sauce, then four minutes on the other. Brown some peanuts in
oil. Rough chop the greens and wilt them. And the rest is
rice. We all know how to cook rice.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Best case, it brings you together with the
magic of teamwork. Worst case, it’s edible. Enclosed along with
this recipe is a promo code for 50% your next order, whether you’re alone or
with someone new.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">-30-<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
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Max Davisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12357167196487741255noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18719845.post-40206090524413698532016-10-11T13:40:00.001-07:002016-10-11T13:40:24.977-07:00Verbal Kint Stares at the Agent’s Pinterest Board<div class="MsoNormal">
Look.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t
know why you keep bringing me in for questioning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve already told you where I was on that day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was having brunch, celebrating the
birthday of my buddy Pete D. Clutter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We were eating slow-roasted pork belly with kale pesto and I was telling
Petey about this new home skincare remedy that works miracles--</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Okay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fine! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You got me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll talk about the heist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I swear that I never met Keyser Soze.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t even think that he exists.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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So it’s late night and I get a text telling me to go to this
one address<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">. </b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I walk into this room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Small room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Very cramped.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b>But thanks to some simple décor
hacks they opened it up by utilizing negative space.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And waiting in said space are three other crooks.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One guy was a crafty son of a bitch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Could break into any building.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dario Ignacio Yontez.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We called him “DIY.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Keaton was a born leader. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Always trying to make the people around him better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Had all of these sayings like “Do small
things with great care” or “Never love anyone who treats you like you’re
ordinary.”</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This third guy, Drake, looked like he belonged on the cover
of Men’s Journal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He always carried
a resistance band with him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Told
me that he knew 23 bodyweight exercises he could do anywhere and anytime. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Do you work out, Agent?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because if you wanted I could always share some tips--</div>
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<br /></div>
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Sure thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Back to the story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So then this new guy walks in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The one who sent the text and brought us together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, it wasn’t Soze.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was Soze’s right hand man. </div>
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<br /></div>
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His name?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Foodporn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dmitri Foodporn.</div>
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<br /></div>
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He says all of us have managed to anger Mr. Soze.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But that if we recover this one piece
of loot for him, all will be forgiven. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seems that Soze thinks we’d mesh well as a team.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like a patchwork quilt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A beautiful, hand-sewn patchwork quilt
that can double as a table runner.</div>
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We’ve all heard of Keyser Soze.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We all know the legends about the ultimate kingpin. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even though no one has seen him, every single criminal wants
to copy his style.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></b>But Drake didn’t buy
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Soze’s not real, let alone out
to get him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, to prove his
point, Foodporn shoots him right in front of us.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
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Now, I’ve disposed of bodies before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s not a problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the blood stain all over my shirt? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Luckily DIY had five simple clean up methods
using ordinary household items.</div>
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So Foodporn charters a plane and sends us off.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></b>Have you ever been to Croatia? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s definitely one of 10 countries you need to discover.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I could tell you about some of the amazing
places I’ve been.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I actually have
this fun little tradition of putting one foreign coin into a jar to remind me
of every country I’ve visited.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
a really simple way to--</div>
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Fine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just talk about the job. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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But you see, we’re not there to break into a vault or
somebody’s house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were going to
knock over a wedding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A mob
wedding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t think we could
pull it off, but as Keaton said, “The job always seems impossible until it’s
done.”</div>
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We sneak into this Gatsby-themed dream wedding, disguised as
waiters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’re passing around
appetizers like avocado hummus and BBQ corn on pea pods.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every table had<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>custom place cards with personalized messages for each guest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not sure if you’re planning on ever
getting married, Agent, but this was a reception you could easily recreate on a
budget. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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Anyway, we start rifling through the wedding gifts and
Keaton finds it: It was a self-portrait of Soze.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only real clue to his identity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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And as we’re about to steal the painting, the mob hears
us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And they open fire.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Keaton and DIY fire back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bullets going back and forth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Painting gets obliterated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And nobody walks away from it alive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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So how did I survive?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Like a coward, I was hiding behind a barrel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A sherry cask.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Distressed
wood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Could probably make one hell
of a side table if you were putting together a salvage-style living room.</div>
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And that’s what happened. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never saw Soze.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Swear to God.</div>
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But that’s the thing about Keyser Soze.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t think he’s real.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s just an idea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s an image that we project, full of
everything we wish we accomplished but never get around to doing. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></b>Soze is<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>just
a story that we tell ourselves for motivation.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b>Believing in him is
like believing in Santa Claus or subtle personal branding or that you can get
Ryan Reynolds’ abs in five minutes a day.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b>It’s a myth.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b>Yet we still share
and spread the legend, trying to convince the world that he exists.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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And like that...he’s gone.</div>
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Max Davisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12357167196487741255noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18719845.post-10846190736867748692016-06-20T10:02:00.000-07:002016-06-20T10:10:13.522-07:00Script Coverage - Star Wars<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small;">
<br class="Apple-interchange-newline" />“Star Wars”</div>
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Screenwriter: George Lucas</div>
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Page count: 127pgs</div>
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Genre: Science Fiction</div>
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Draft date: November 29, 1974</div>
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<b>Logline: </b>After discovering that his father was a legendary warrior, a farm boy becomes entangled in an intergalactic civil war.</div>
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<b>Comments: </b>STAR WARS is a fairly conventional story that isn’t quite unique enough to stand out from the other sci-fi properties. It’s nothing more than the classic Hero’s Journey set against the backdrop of outer space. The writer’s feeble attempt at world building merely consists of name-dropping extraneous alien species, spacecraft and weapons<b><i>.</i></b> There is no real substance or original ideas<b> </b>in STAR WARS, leading to a decent if forgettable read.</div>
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<b><u>PLOT<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
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While the act structure is serviceable and hits the requisite beats, the plot is fairly standard, going from station to station (sometimes literally). After a text-heavy exposition dump at the top, we move into an alien world featuring a merciless empire, a rogue rebellion and a desert planet. Whether in “Flash Gordon” or Frank Herbert’s “Dune,” we’ve seen this story many times before. </div>
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Strangely, the script provides zero narrative closure for Darth Vader's character. He is the main antagonist, a dark Jedi and the murderer of Kenobi. Yet he simply spins away into space at the end. This is the villain who killed Luke’s father, yet Vader and Luke have no interactions in the script. You would think that Luke could get some semblance of revenge. This loose plot thread smacks of lazy writing.</div>
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While we're on the subject of weak plotting:<b> </b>The painfully named “Death Star” (If the space station doesn’t kill you with its giant laser, it will brow beat you with subtlety) is destroyed thanks to the laughably implausible deus ex machina of an open drainpipe.<b><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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The script inhabits a sci-fi world, but the writer also feels the need to introduce magic in the form of “The Force.” Adding a mystical element on top of the robots and spaceships might be too big a leap for audiences to make.</div>
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“The Force” is a hand-waving catchall (sometimes literally) that provides mind control, choking, and apparently the ability to give posthumous advice (in Act Three, Kenobi’s ghost visits Luke without any pipe being laid for this device). Without a scientific explanation for the mechanics of Jedi powers, this Force cannot be taken seriously.</div>
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The backstory of this world remains unexplored. There is mention of a Clone War and an Old Republic, but they are never expanded upon. I would have appreciated a look into the political chaos and economic events that led to the Empire’s rise.</div>
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<b><u>CHARACTERS</u></b><u><o:p></o:p></u></div>
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The script’s one-dimensional characters are all pleasant enough, but nothing to really sink your teeth into. There aren’t many gradations or shades of gray to the villains. Darth Vader is pure evil and Tarkin is a mustache-twirling adversary who goes down with his ship.</div>
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Luke Skywalker offers a clear coming-of-age story (although it relies on the overused trope of “the long lost, heroic father”). But does his character arc track? He is the same person at the end of the script as he as at the beginning. He goes from wanting to be a hero to becoming a hero. What lesson does he learn? What is his core flaw that he overcomes? These issues are never addressed, as Luke’s heroics are never called into question.</div>
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Han Solo is the lone bright spot, as he is<b> </b>the only character with a pronounced arc. He moves from being only motivated by self-interest and money to selflessly returning to the final battle. He is also the recipient of the majority of the script’s better one-liners.</div>
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The romantic relationship between Luke and Leia needs to be more prominent. Their romance is a strong point of the script, but we only get one kiss. We need more of Luke and Leia together for their love story to resonate and heighten the intergalactic drama.</div>
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The rest of the supporting cast is made up of bumbling robots and monsters. It’s difficult to market characters who speak exclusively in grunts and beeps.</div>
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<b><u>DIALOGUE<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
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While a throwback to “Flash Gordon” and other serials of that era, the dialogue is appropriately campy but also borders on clunky. When the dialogue isn’t on-the-nose or expository, it is written entirely in the jargon of the world. As stated before, the writer’s strategy for world building is to drop as many unique sci-fi terms as possible. This gets in the way of learning who these characters actually are. </div>
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With lines such as “The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant compared to the power of the Force” (page 37) and “I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced” (page 58), the writer doesn’t demonstrate an understanding of the way people actually speak.</div>
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<b><u>FINAL THOUGHTS</u></b><u><o:p></o:p></u></div>
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There are a few engaging set pieces and a good character or two, but STAR WARS doesn’t add anything to the existing sci-fi tableau. With its formulaic plot and under-rendered characters, the script is generic to the point of being derivative.</div>
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It also bears noting that in addition to being a pastiche of pulp sci-fi, the script is eerily similar to Akira Kurosawa’s “The Hidden Fortress.” Will audiences recognize this borderline plagiarism? In this reader’s opinion, they definitely will.</div>
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<b>RECOMMENDATION: </b>PASS</div>
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Max Davisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12357167196487741255noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18719845.post-53986828005093988992016-05-31T10:50:00.001-07:002016-05-31T10:50:41.940-07:00Landmark Wrestlemania Decisions<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small;">
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<b>Hogan v. Andre - 1987</b></div>
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<i>JUSTICE O’CONNOR delivered the opinion of the Court.</i></div>
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Today, we are faced with the unprecedented question of whether or not Mr. Hogan had the ability and legal claim to bodyslam Mr. the Giant. The Court finds that Mr. Hogan did, in fact, have standing, then dropped the leg and legally got the three count. Both Alexis de Tocqueville and Dusty Rhodes would agree that Mr. Hogan’s demonstration of American perseverance exemplified this country’s greatness.</div>
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The ruling is AFFIRMED.</div>
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<i>JUSTICE BLACKMUN dissenting.</i></div>
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John Quincy Adams once stated, “Americans should not go abroad to slay dragons they do not understand in the name of spreading democracy.” This ruling reinforces both Mr. Hogan’s jingoism and the “might makes right” mentality that fuels the Reagan Administration’s foreign policy. The Hulkster, while having a legal claim to his title belt, is setting a dangerous precedent for this industry. "Because we're the good guy" is not a tenable justification. Unchecked Hulkamania will run wild, perhaps leading to a dangerous new world order.</div>
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<b>DiBiase v. Savage - 1988</b></div>
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<i>JUSTICE SOUTER delivered the opinion of the Court.</i></div>
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Should outside interference nullify Mr. Savage’s victory in the WWF Championship tournament finals? Mr. DiBiase, using his considerable wealth, has argued this case through the appeals courts.</div>
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While there was an unsanctioned run-in by one Mr. Hogan, the referee did not see the interference in question, therefore Fruit of the Poisonous Tree does not apply to the pinfall derived from a foreign object. The Court cannot, in good conscience, impose an ex post facto judgment on this match.<b> </b>And let us not forget that this tournament began after Mr. DiBiase attempted to illegally purchase the championship belt and the title was left vacant.<b></b></div>
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The Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals’ decision is REVERSED and Mr. Savage’s title reign is CONFIRMED.</div>
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<i>JUSTICE SCALIA dissenting.</i></div>
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The Court’s ruling is absurd, indicative of scattershot logic and general jiggery-pokery. The only path to victory for the Macho Man was outside interference in the form of Hulk Hogan hitting a defenseless Ted DiBiase in the back with a steel chair.<b> </b>This is a tainted victory, destroying the liberty of independent businessmen such as Mr. DiBiase. Millionaires have rights and we should not discriminate against them.<b> </b></div>
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Mr. Hogan perpetrated a gross miscarriage of justice that will go unpunished thanks to the legal thimbleriggery of five Justices. What was once a slobberknocker has devolved into pure applesauce.<b></b></div>
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I dissent.</div>
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<b>Rock v. Austin - 2001</b></div>
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<i>JUSTICE SCALIA delivered the opinion of the Court.</i></div>
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Mr. McMahon may have interfered in the match, but it is not the Court’s place to interfere in this ruling. We must know when to take a step back and allow private industry to operate within its own purview.<b></b></div>
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My dissenting colleagues will no doubt attempt to use outlandish claims and troglodytic reasoning to insist that I had previously deemed outside interference to always be illegal.<b></b></div>
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They will try to find a precedent in <i>DiBiase v. Savage</i>, perhaps even <i>Hart v. Michaels</i>. To them, I say that context matters. This was a no disqualification match. For there to suddenly be a disqualification in a No DQ match goes against the founders’ intent. </div>
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Mr. Austin’s victory is AFFIRMED<i>.</i> And that is the bottom line.</div>
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<i>JUSTICE GINSBERG dissenting.</i></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
In <i>DiBiase v. Savage</i>, my colleague previously argued against outside interference. Now that big businessmen are threatened, allegedly objective Justice Scalia conveniently flip flops his position and turns heel.<b> </b>The People’s Champion (and vis-à-vis, the People) was unfairly denied his victory by collusion between Mr. McMahon and Mr. Austin. The only reason that he could possibly defend this decision is that Justice Scalia, much like the WWF Chairman, feels more comfortable portraying the character of an evil authority figure than actually GOVERNING...</div>
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<b>Cena v. Michaels - 2007</b></div>
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<i>JUSTICE BREYER, with whom JUSTICE STEVENS, JUSTICE SOUTER, JUSTICE GINSBERG, and CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS join, delivered the opinion of the Court.</i></div>
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Let’s go Cena!</div>
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<i>JUSTICE THOMAS dissenting.</i></div>
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Cena sucks.</div>
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<b>Lesnar v. Reigns v. Rollins - 2015</b></div>
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<i>JUSTICE SOTOMAYOR delivered the opinion of the Court.</i></div>
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<br /></div>
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Mr. Rollins was in possession of the “Money in the Bank contract,” which entitled him to one title match at any time and place of his choosing. That chosen time was in the middle of the existing case of <i>Lesnar v. Reigns</i>, turning a one on one match into an unprecedented triple-threat suit. </div>
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The Court recognizes the validity of the contract as well as all of its unenumerated powers. We UPHOLD both Mr. Rollins’ cash-in and subsequent victory. </div>
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<i>JUSTICE SCALIA, with whom JUSTICE ALITO and JUSTICE THOMAS join, dissenting</i>.</div>
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In order to defend the indefensible, the other Justices are attempting somersaults of legal gymnastics that rival Rey Mysterio flying over the top rope for a corkscrew shooting star press. </div>
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Nowhere in the contract does it state that you can change the underlying nature of an existing match. This is expanding MITB’s power far beyond the scope of what the founders of the company intended when they established the contract.<b> </b>This decision opens the door for future interpretive distortions that could destroy this federation. What’s next, a contract that allows you to add a steel cage or a ladder? Could a male wrestler challenge for the Women’s Title?<b></b></div>
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The Court needs to adhere to the foundation established by the McMahons, otherwise we are just animals. If the Court’s definitions of “Good Guy” and “Bad Guy” continue to change every month, our decisions might as well be arbitrary, predetermined and fake.</div>
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Max Davisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12357167196487741255noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18719845.post-52032968126472430682016-04-26T10:15:00.000-07:002016-04-28T11:25:49.642-07:00Daeny Hall<div class="MsoNormal">
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There’s this old joke: Two Dornish whores are walking
through Casterly Rock.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One turns
to the other and says, “These Lannister men are pigs.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the other says, “I know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And none of them have tried to force themselves upon us.”<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></i>And that’s how I feel about life right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Despite being surrounded by dragons and
handmaidens and an army of Dothraki marauders, I’m still very much alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m talking “Sylvia Plath exiled to the
Night’s Watch” levels of loneliness and isolation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Don’t get me wrong, I’m used to being abandoned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My earliest memory is the sack of Dragonstone
when I was smuggled out of the city as Stannis Baratheon murdered every last
member of my House.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But this time is
different. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This one actually
hurts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had someone in my life
this time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Drogo and I were in
love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Granted, I was originally treated
like property and sold off to him as a way of consolidating power, but you can’t
be too picky nowadays. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My five-year plan was always simple.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Raise an army, return to King’s Landing,
massacre the Baratheon usurpers and sit atop the Iron Throne.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But now I don’t know if that’s in the
cards anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve grown
comfortable here in Meereen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s such
a vibrant and amazing city. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’ve
got the fighting pits, the slave auctions, the numerous ecru-colored
ziggurats.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can’t find this sort of
culture anywhere else<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">.</i> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have zero idea why anyone would ever willingly
move back to the west.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yet even in this city, I don’t know if there’s anyone who
really gets me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still don’t have
any close friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The possibility
exists that the only person who understands me is a man-eating, fire-breathing
creature with scaly skin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
enough about my mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But is it my parents?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Is that the problem?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did
they irreparably damage me to the point where I’m going to repeat all of their mistakes
over and over again? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Looking back,
I don’t know if anyone in my family has ever had a functioning relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Traditionally Targaryen marriages are as
incestuous as Malcolm Gladwell and the New Yorker submissions desk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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And then there’s my brother Rhaegar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Talk about a guy who had everything
going for him and then blew it all for a woman.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He abducts Lyanna Stark.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not sure if it was out of spite or out of love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although Bergman’s filmography posits
that those two are often interchangeable.</div>
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<br /></div>
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With this exemplary Targaryen track record, you start to
wonder if true love is even possible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But I know that it is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
had it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Drogo loved me and
protected me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then...well...he
got sick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was dying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And my magical animal sacrifice wasn’t
enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was getting late.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I had to say “Goodbye” to him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, with a sense of on-the-nose, Joyce
Carol Oates-ian irony, I smothered him in the same way he smothered me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And now I have to move on as well. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whether it’s with Jorah or Daario or any
of these slave traders in Meereen, I know that I’m going to have to remarry at
some point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I also know that
it won’t end well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can’t escape
that prophecy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But that’s the thing about arranged Dothraki weddings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They’re irrational and crazy and absurd
and downright terrifying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I
guess we keep going through it because most of us need the dragon eggs.</div>
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Max Davisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12357167196487741255noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18719845.post-64659468724840648162016-03-21T10:35:00.000-07:002016-03-21T10:35:58.251-07:00Post-Date Survey<span style="font-family: inherit;">Congratulations! You have received a survey request from POST DATE SOLUTIONS.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />Since asking someone out on a second date requires 99.99% certainty that the answer will be “Yes,” we at PDS specialize in analyzing quantifiable data to determine whether or not you are interested in going out again. Recently, you grabbed drinks with </span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">BRAD CHARLES</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">, who has retained our services.<br /><br />Please fill out the following questionnaire to help us (and Brad) avoid second guessing and figure out how to proceed. Your feedback is key not only for ascertaining the likelihood of another date, but also for the continued improvement of our clients.<br /><br /><b>1) Brad asked you out by calling you up on the phone. Did you find this to be:</b><br />A) Personal and old fashioned<br />B) Too forward. He should have just texted.<br /><br /><b>2) At the beginning of the date, your opinion of Brad was: </b>very favorable, somewhat favorable, favorable, neither favorable nor unfavorable, somewhat unfavorable, very unfavorable<br /><br /><b>3) Brad suggested the bar at which you met. Did you find it to be:</b><br />A) Perfectly fine.<br />B) Charming<br />C) Too much of a dive for a first date<br /><br /><b>4) You were there for the bar’s late night happy hour. Did the discounted drink prices give you the impression that Brad was cheap?</b><br />A) No<br />B) Yes<br />C) Not at the time. But now that you mention it...<br /><br /><b>5) Brad showed up early and was waiting when you walked in. Did you:</b><br />A) Appreciate his punctuality<br />B) Respect that he didn’t play games<br />C) Feel that he was far too eager, bordering on desperate<br /><br /><b>6) On a scale of 1-6, 8-10*, how attractive did you find Brad? </b><br />[*We at PDS do not believe that 7’s exist. Seven is a polite number used to avoid sounding either rude or overly keen. There are no 7’s in the world.]<br /><br /><b>7) What topics did you discuss? (Circle all that apply)</b><br />Politics and current events/Sports/Weather/Your family/Childhood pets/Career goals/College friends who have started to get married and have kids/Those crazy people who do mud runs unless you’re one of them in which case tell me about it/Recent Netflix binges/The last book you read/Benefits of a Kindle/How the next generation will never learn to write cursive/Not understanding the appeal of Twitter/Your mutual love of Anna Kendrick<br /><br /><b>8) Even though you talked the entire night without any awkward pauses, did any of these topics bore you? (List all that apply)</b><br /><br /><b>9) What was the breakdown for time spent talking about you versus about him? </b><br />A) 50/50<br />B) 75/25<br />C) 85/15<br />D) None of the above (please specify whether it was too much about you or too much about him)<br /><br /><b>10) At any point did you feel as though your conversation was simply a pattern of: question, answer, question, answer?</b><br /><br /><b>11) At the mid-point of the date, your opinion of Brad was: </b>Very favorable, favorable, unfavorable, very unfavorable.<br /><br /><b>12) Throughout the night, you laughed at Brad’s jokes (even his story about getting dragged on stage at an improv show). Did you really find him funny or was it a pity laugh?</b><br />A) Legitimately thought it was amusing<br />B) Total pity.<br /><b><br />13) When you took out your phone and looked at your screen, it was:</b><br />A) To check the time<br />B) To read a text/check your e-mail<br />C) Your safety call<br /><br /><b>14) Were you offended by any off-color or racist jokes Brad told? </b>If you did not notice any, please disregard and skip to question #16.<br /><br /><b>15) If Brad had made you aware that he is half-Latino and any comment about “a crazy Mexican lady” was in reference to his grandmother, would that have changed anything?</b><br /><br /><b>16) When you yawned after Brad mentioned the Dodgers’ disappointing season, was that an indication that you were:</b><br />A) Legitimately tired from a long day (it was Tuesday night, after all)<br />B) Having an involuntary reflex (and even scientists don't know why exactly we yawn)<br />C) Bored. Very. Very. Bored.<br /><br /><b>17) Brad has a few anecdotes that he did not tell on the date. Would any of these have been beneficial for him/interested you?</b><br />A) His recreational kickball league<br />B) His baby niece attempting to unlock his iPhone<br />C) He recently read East of Eden for the first time<br /><br /><b>18) When Brad reached for the check, your hand fell on top his his and stayed there for a few seconds. Was this:</b><br />A) A signal<br />B) A sign of chemistry<br />C) You wanting to make sure that he paid<br />D) You put out your hand by accident and weren't sure what to do with it so you just left your hand there with no real intention behind it.<br /><br /><b>19) Before calling it a night, you hugged. Did this embrace indicate:</b><br />A) A lack of interest<br />B) Politeness<br />C) Playing it cool<br />D) Seeing him as a friend<br />E) Allowing for a spark to develop later on<br />F) Waiting for him to make a move<br /><br /><b>20) At the end of the date, your opinion of Brad was: </b>Favorable, Not favorable<br /><b><br />21) If you have any other comments, please use the section provided below: </b><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><b><br />22) On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely are you to recommend Brad to a friend?</b><br /><br /><br />******<br /><br />Thank you for your input and feedback! After we process your survey and provide Brad with the results, please wait 2-3 days before he calls you (or texts, depending on your response to question #1).<br /><br /><br />-30-</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>Max Davisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12357167196487741255noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18719845.post-26223693304827802862015-11-30T09:56:00.000-08:002015-11-30T09:56:25.783-08:00 My post about the tragedy doesn’t have enough likes<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Guys, we need to have a serious conversation about this current atrocity. </span><div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After the horrific events that occurred on Wednesday, I sat down and posted an eloquent and well thought out response. I was able to mourn while also forcing us to confront the real reasons behind it. By sharing a personal anecdote, I connected myself to the tragedy in order to show that we aren’t so far removed from what we see on the news. We all live in the same world and we need to take ownership of that fact.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As it stands, it currently only has six likes. Six. This is unacceptable. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dakota Baker posted a meme of an inspirational JFK quote and it has over 47 likes. Sandra Gutierrez simply posted “When will this country finally say ‘Enough is enough?’” And she’s getting comments like “^^^THIS!” and “Amen” and “Can’t agree more!” Four people even clicked “Share.” Are you serious? There’s no substance to that post. What is there even to share?</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I mean, the picture I posted on Father’s Day of my dad in his army uniform got upwards of 29 likes and seven comments. Yet something that I put real work into only garners six.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now, I need to make one thing clear: This is not about me. This is not about my ego. It’s about the thoughts and opinions expressed in my post. If you’re not hitting “Like,” it means you are either overlooking or willfully ignoring some honest and insightful truths about this country. Apart from myself and five other people, nobody is recognizing them.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I hoped to inspire a dialogue across my social network. Morgan Johnston’s post, linking to a Breitbart article, has incited partisan hostilities between the Left and Right wingers that I went to high school with. But if there is going to be an 80 comment-long war with multiple Hitler references being thrown back and forth, it should be taking place under my post and using my valid ideas as the jumping off point.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is one of those moments in history where the world ceases to make sense. It’s hard to even process. Tim Walters writes “Will this place ever not be so effed up?” and somehow that gets 12 likes. “Effed.” The guy doesn’t even have the conviction to say “fucked” (I did not resort to invoking profanity, by the way). Yep. Common sense only gets you six likes. So, no. This place is still very much effed up.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know that asking for likes could be seen as self-serving, so I guess that what I should ask of you is to not lose sight of what really matters. This unthinkable tragedy has given us the opportunity to sit down and decide what kind of people we want to be. We need to recognize good ideas when we see them, even if they run counter to what we think. And then we need to highlight and promote those brilliant ideas. Maybe even share them with others. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And that way, we can prevent a situation like this from ever happening again.<br /><br />-30-</span><br /> </div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
Max Davisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12357167196487741255noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18719845.post-61730839511937156802015-10-30T10:13:00.000-07:002015-10-30T11:07:51.431-07:00Modern Day Parables<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>The Parable of the
Great Samaritan<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A man was traveling from Jerusalem to Jericho when thieves
robbed him, attacked him and left him for dead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>First, a priest came down the road, but he passed by and
kept riding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then came a Levite,
who also walked away without helping the man.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then came a Samaritan, who took pity and showed him mercy. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He said, “My friend, let us find the evil
men who did this to you.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
“The robbers?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
“Oh no. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’re never going to catch them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And besides, they’re probably poor, disenfranchised men who are
just trying to provide for their families. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean the Levite and the Priest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can make an example out of those wealthy, privileged, blind-eye-turners.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So they hunted down and found the Levite and the Priest in
their respective hometowns and publicly shamed them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Why could you not be bothered to help? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you lack basic human decency?” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those two would forever be remembered as
the lazy, self-interested men who would not help their brother in need.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Samaritan considered posting their
home addresses online, but that would be overkill.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Even though the man was still suffering from the internal injuries
he sustained at the hands of the robbers, the Samaritan was proud.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By holding a mirror up to society he
had been a good neighbor not only to the man, but also to the world.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>The Parable of the
Non-Prodigal Son</u></b><u><o:p></o:p></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There were two brothers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The younger did not want to follow in the footsteps of his
family’s patriarchal establishment, so he took his inheritance early and left
home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Confident that he would
succeed, even without a clear plan or skill set, he went off to San Francisco.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Unaware that rent and Outside Lands tickets were quite so
expensive, he soon squandered all his money.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After exhausting all of his
couch-surfing options, he bit the bullet, returned home, and asked for
forgiveness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His father smiled and
embraced him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Let us have a feast
and celebrate!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We shall kill the
fatted calf!”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The older brother, returning home from a long day at the
family business, was stunned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Seriously,
Dad?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have been working diligently
every single day and you’ve never thrown me a party. Whatever happened to
loyalty?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
“But, you see, your brother was once
lost and now he is--“</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
“No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is
bullshit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you just let him walk
back in as though nothing has happened, I will quit and go off to work for our
rival insurance conglomerate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
will value the consistent excellence that I bring to the table.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Father, realizing that actions should, in fact, have
consequences, canceled the party and instead offered his younger son a low-level
position in the mailroom (which he turned down).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Fatted Calf lived to see another day.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>The Parable of the
Liquid Assets</u></b><u><o:p></o:p></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A fund manager was going away on vacation and called in his
three top brokers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He entrusted
them each with the same amount of capital and told them to invest wisely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time passed and the manager returned to
settle accounts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first broker reported,
“I put mine in housing and so far it has doubled in value.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The second said, “I invested in a hedge fund and have currently tripled my balance.”<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The third broker buried assets in gold, a money market
account and government bonds that paid 6.5% annually.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The manager scolded the third.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You wicked and slothful man!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You played it safe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You are worthless!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thusly,
he fired the broker and cast him out into the darkness.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Days later, the sub-prime mortgage market crashed and the third
broker’s assets were the only ones left with any value.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The company attempted to rehire him,
but he had founded his own firm and had no interest in returning to a sinking
ship.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>The Parable of the
Greatest Samaritan</u></b><u><o:p></o:p></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There once was a Samaritan who did a good deed for another
man.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not going to say what it was
and won’t go into detail about the act of kindness because that isn’t the point
of the story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is important is
the fact that he was a good man, he helped someone in need, and was very humble
about it.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yet not wanting to hide his light under a bushel, the
Samaritan posted the following on his Facebook wall: “Guys, today I helped
someone that I didn’t even know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
don’t want it to sound like I’m bragging so I won’t tell you all about it, but
I want to share that it felt amazing to be selfless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Go and do likewise.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The post garnered a colossal number of likes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Despite the Samaritan’s insistence
otherwise, people wanted to know more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>After much pleading in the comments section, he finally shared details about
his gallant, noble deed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Again, the
specifics of his heroics are not important. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All you need to know is that this Good Samaritan assisted
someone in need purely because it was the right thing to do.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Word spread across all platforms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And one day, Jesus himself read and shared his story, reblogging
it to all his followers. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
Samaritan’s tale went viral, rewarding his modesty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For although humility and kindness are the highest virtues, if
you don’t spread the message, you aren’t truly being a good neighbor.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
-30-</div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0riXHv8x13JDFck_zQaP5MFsTJ3uXm4OtUCKOaPd5KaxWYcQbb4S2dppcCbssPDNRYBgLDHr_aCi3pnr2jx8iNRCeZZP3FfZEqNcIY39zdatRbR4EIHgl0PRGX8lz0nj0UjD9GA/s1600/SermonMount.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="background-color: white; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="251" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0riXHv8x13JDFck_zQaP5MFsTJ3uXm4OtUCKOaPd5KaxWYcQbb4S2dppcCbssPDNRYBgLDHr_aCi3pnr2jx8iNRCeZZP3FfZEqNcIY39zdatRbR4EIHgl0PRGX8lz0nj0UjD9GA/s400/SermonMount.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div>
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<br /></div>
Max Davisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12357167196487741255noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18719845.post-29974443163997360432015-02-17T12:53:00.000-08:002015-02-17T13:05:48.956-08:00Crossing the Threshold<div class="MsoNormal">
We’re still not sure for whom this episode was
intended.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fans absolutely hate
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those involved in the production
disown it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The cast despises it.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></b>It consistently ranks among the worst installments in the franchise’s
history.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Threshold,” the 1996 episode of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Star Trek: Voyager</i>, is an hour of television with no real purpose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bereft of logic, there is no lesson
learned and the consequences of the episode are never mentioned again. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If this were <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friends</i>, it would be known as “The One Where Tom Paris Mutates Into
a Salamander and Spawns with Captain Janeway.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And it also happened to be the episode that hooked me on
Star Trek.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I encountered “Threshold” when I was nine-years-old, at the
height of my pre-pubescence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
hit the trifecta for elements that excite pre-teen sci-fi fans: Brazen
scientific exploration, the freakshow factor, and weird implied sex
scenes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My folks were in the other
room so I watched the show as though the TV were covered in a brown paper bag.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This episode was full of scenes you
don’t want to watch with your parents<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=18719845#_ftn1" name="_ftnref" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span style="font-size: xx-small;">[1]</span><!--[endif]--></span></span></a>.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The plot revolves around Tom Paris attempting to reach the
purely theoretical Warp 10, the speed where time and space become infinite<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=18719845#_ftn2" name="_ftnref" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span style="font-size: xx-small;">[2]</span><!--[endif]--></span></span></a>.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, Tom Paris was my guy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Part of it is that he was the helmsman and boys like
pilots.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Also, this is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Voyager</i>, which featured the most diverse
Star Trek cast up to that point<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=18719845#_ftn3" name="_ftnref" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span style="font-size: xx-small;">[3]</span><!--[endif]--></span></span></a>
so I naturally latched onto the white male character who looked like me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When Janeway insists he skip the flight due to health
complications, Paris lashes out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Despite
having no character development other than ‘White Guy,’ he opens up and starts
ranting about never earning his father’s approval.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He wants accomplishment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He wants, nay, needs to make history.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Essentially, Tom Paris is a whiny teenager with father
issues.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Okay, Voyager.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can empathize.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What else have you got?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, Paris breaks the threshold for trans-warp flight, hits
Warp 10, and there is much rejoicing...until his DNA starts to rewrite itself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He slowly morphs into a strange being
looking like a cross between Jeff Goldblum’s The Fly and Benjamin Button. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Paris starts to grow gills.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He rips out his hair and sheds his
skin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He gets sexually frustrated
and wants to make out with Kes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And then Tom Paris rips out his own tongue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Similar to “Genesis,” the TNG Barclay mutation episode<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=18719845#_ftn4" name="_ftnref" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span style="font-size: xx-small;">[4]</span><!--[endif]--></span></span></a>,
I could not look away.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Kids have an inherent morbid curiosity and like to stare at
gross things, even if looking through fingers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were the good old days when the Learning Channel would
only show surgeries and I would watch, change the channel and cringe, then
change back to gawk.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Back on Voyager, for no apparent reason Salamander Paris escapes
from sickbay, abducts Janeway, hijacks a shuttle, breaks the warp barrier again,
she mutates as well because of course she does, and they escape to a nearby
planet<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=18719845#_ftn5" name="_ftnref" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span style="font-size: xx-small;">[5]</span><!--[endif]--></span></span></a>.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Tuvok and Chakotay give chase and find their missing
crewmates...who are now giant salamanders raising a family in a swamp.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As they recover Paris and Janeway, the couple's amphibian offspring slither away into the primordial ooze, never to be
mentioned again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Presumably they
died on their way back to their home planet.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Cured, Paris and Janeway act like sensible adults after a
one-night-stand and agree to never talk about this ever again. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Roll end credits: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Executive producer - Rick Berman</i>.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I turn off the TV, very much with the feeling of “I should
not have watched this.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was
too adult.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Too mature. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Too insane.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was no going back to innocence after the off-screen
interspecies impregnation of Captain Janeway.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The other geeks and I talked about it at school on Monday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This wasn’t the well-ordered science
fiction of TNG.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This wasn’t the
outer space politics of DS9.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
was bat-shit crazy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Typically
children process adult situations through giggling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But we didn’t giggle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We uncomfortably nodded.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Agreed that the episode did, in fact, happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then we proceeded to speculate what sort of insanity would
happen next.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And with that uneasy fascination, I kept watching Voyager
every week.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Re-watching it as an adult, I can confirm that “Threshold”
is a truly terrible episode.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Nothing redeeming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Terrible
dialogue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cheap CGI.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Any entertainment value is predicated on viewing at the </span>right time and right
place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is the perfect
encapsulation of puberty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Resenting your father.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
need to tame the unknown.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Strange
changes to your body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And an
uncontrollable need to breed with the first woman you see.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The reason the episode is so maligned?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s because the target wasn’t
audiences 18-49; rather, the show targeted a 9-year old boy on the cusp of
manhood<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=18719845#_ftn6" name="_ftnref" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span style="font-size: xx-small;">[6]</span><!--[endif]--></span></span></a>.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-30-</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://trekcore.com/gallery/albums/tomparis/endgame_0383.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://trekcore.com/gallery/albums/tomparis/endgame_0383.jpg" height="298" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
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<!--[endif]-->
<br />
<div id="ftn" style="mso-element: footnote;">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=18719845#_ftnref" name="_ftn1" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]-->[1]<!--[endif]--></span></span></span></a><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"> To be honest, I still can’t
watch an episode of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Game of Thrones</i>
with my dad without it feeling like father/son, Bob Crane, Auto-Focus porn
bonding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
</div>
<div id="ftn" style="mso-element: footnote;">
<div class="MsoFootnoteText">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=18719845#_ftnref" name="_ftn2" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]-->[2]<!--[endif]--></span></span></a> <span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Which includes the painfully
protracted build-up where he hits Warp 9.7...then Warp 9.8...and then Warp
9.9...</span></span></div>
</div>
<div id="ftn" style="mso-element: footnote;">
<div class="MsoFootnoteText">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=18719845#_ftnref" name="_ftn3" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]-->[3]<!--[endif]--></span></span></span></a><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"> Much like the SuperFriends,
the crew included a Black Vulcan and an Apache Chief.</span></span></div>
</div>
<div id="ftn" style="mso-element: footnote;">
<div class="MsoFootnoteText">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=18719845#_ftnref" name="_ftn4" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]-->[4]<!--[endif]--></span></span></a> <span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Which warrants another essay
on what that did to my young brain.</span></span></div>
</div>
<div id="ftn" style="mso-element: footnote;">
<div class="MsoFootnoteText">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=18719845#_ftnref" name="_ftn5" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]-->[5]<!--[endif]--></span></span></a> <span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">This sequence occurs in the
final five minutes of the episode, the story structure managing to be as
offensive as the sociological implications. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
</div>
<div id="ftn" style="mso-element: footnote;">
<div class="MsoFootnoteText">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=18719845#_ftnref" name="_ftn6" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]-->[6]<!--[endif]--></span></span></a> <span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">That and the Emmys, as it
won the award for Best Makeup, causing future generations to call it “The
Emmy-Award Winning Threshold.”</span></span></div>
</div>
</div>
Max Davisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12357167196487741255noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18719845.post-31278390095581731222014-12-27T20:05:00.000-08:002014-12-29T21:56:42.120-08:00Blackout Cycles<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Cycles”<br />By Max Davison<br /><br />If it weren't for the fact that we aren't attracted to one another, Cassie Peterson and I would be married by now. Or at least in a monogamous committed relationship in which we refuse to get married as a way of defying the cultural norm (her idea, not mine). <br /><br />I’m sure that there is some alternate universe where we’re living together. Some Earth-2 version of us where we're smiling, spending our Saturdays at Pottery Barn, laughing at the couples who are having legitimate arguments about place settings. We go mini-golfing not because of the kitsch factor but rather because we love the competition and neither of us can drive worth a damn.</span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yes, it would all be perfect except for that one snag: neither of us has any inclination.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She's my friend. Purely Platonic. And I will now pause while you have the following reaction: *cough* Yeah right *cough*. Glad that's out of your system. It's an argumentative friendship that occasionally borders on the homicidal (she has the audacity to defend the rat-infested ending of The Departed) and many people mistake that contentious banter for sexual compatibility.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sure we hug, we throw our arms around one another in public, which might lead to some confusion. But we don't hold hands. That is a level of intimacy that doesn't make sense for people like us; a level of personal closeness reserved for relationships that won't last.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This isn't to say that the thought of her as something more hasn't passed through my head. It's there in the back, along with how to solve geometric proofs, obscure facts about insects, the vice presidents in order, and all the other crap I learned in high school. Apart from her habit/alleged fashion choice of wearing a skirt over her jeans, she's empirically a good looking woman. The sort of girl about whom your mother would say, "Todd, she is fantastic!" Which is the mom equivalent of "She has a great personality." Which she does have, as a matter of fact. Also, she consistently flosses, and I can't stress the importance of good oral hygiene enough. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Every so often (oftentimes alone, always while watching Netflix) I'll stop and think: "Life would be easier if I just ended up with Cassie." And when that's the most romantic thing you can say about a woman, odds are that you're looking in the wrong direction.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If we were both in a position to make a terrible life decision, it would have been made by now. I’m sure that at some point or another we would have gone to bed together, but thankfully we are on different blackout cycles and our respective impaired judgments are on opposite sides of the Venn diagram. Just how it works.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One week, I'll be at a house party. New job for one of my friends, so let's celebrate an advance in maturity with a proportionate response of sophomoric binge drinking and juvenile malarky and-- Oh, why the hell am I using big words like that? Let's freaking rage!</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm there, a red cup in my hand, holding my signature drink of “Stop hogging the keg and just pour something into my cup,” and I’ve had, say...three...four...seven too many. My BAC approaching airline pilot, US Senator or NBA rookie range. I'm starting to really dig this retro 80's soundtrack pumping through the speakers. Not sure why A Flock of Seagulls gets a bad rap. Probably some undeserved stigma initiated by Bret Easton Ellis and perpetuated by proto-hipsters.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Feeling relaxed, I attempt to shock and awe the party with my patented trick of reciting the vice presidents in order, but the list inevitably devolves into the actors from Doctor Who. “Humphrey...Agnew...Ford...Pertwee...Tom Baker...Mondale...” At which point I struggle to remember whether Dukakis was ever a veep and what was the title of that one Olympia Dukakis movie that I really liked (later in the night to be forcefully remembered as Moonstruck) and, disappointed, I drop the whole pursuit.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's 1:15 in the morning. I'm staggering around, operating under the influence of a cocktail of Red Bull, Vodka and self-loathing, and quickly approaching the point where I'm not tasting any of those ingredients except for the last one. </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And that's when I look across the apartment and the idea suddenly enters my head: Cassie’s not looking too bad tonight. Not bad at all. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Not sure where the impulse came from. Not sure why I’m only seeing it now. But Cassie’s looking good. I mean, look at her. She's funny. She's hilarious. Her face seems perfectly symmetrical tonight. She's wearing a sweater that she's worn a hundred times before that has that bizarre quality of looking both flattering yet flabby. Why haven't I ever seen this before? Maybe it’s the lighting. Maybe it's how she did her makeup tonight. Maybe it’s the alcohol that has finally given my conscious brain the vacation it needs to listen to reason. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But Cassie's looking good tonight. And know what? I’m going for it. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So I stumble up to her, with all the swagger of a drunk Peter O'Toole and none of the charm, and I throw my arm around her.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Say, Cassandra?" She hates it when anyone calls her by her full name. And hatred is step one on the surefire path to her bed (source: Esquire, May 2013).</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Say Todd,” she mimics back, knowing exactly where this conversation is headed. All this has happened before, you see, on a previously installment of <i>Todd's Blackout Theater</i>. And all of it will happen again.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I take her willingness to talk as a good signal and decide to push. Wanting to playfully disarm her, I bring up the hilarious and insightful fact that the cicada’s reproductive cycle is 17 years. A prime number. Doesn’t synch up with that of its main predator. Because as well all know, entomology is the ultimate aphrodisiac (much like the sex pheromone of the tsetse fly).</span></div>
<div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />She doesn't quite offer tactical condemnation, but it's clear that I'm going to have to move this conversation ahead faster than anticipated. </span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Cassie, know what we’ve never done? Not sure if you’ve ever thought about it, but why have we never...” I trail off, hoping that she'll finish my sentence for me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Never what?" she encourages, forcing me to utter said words.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“You know. Gone for it. Us. Why have we never hooked up?”</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Todd, it wouldn't work. And when you sober up, you'll know it."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Plenty of great ideas and things were invented when people are drunk. Like Facebook. Or our buddy Ricky."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Ricky was a mistake?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Big time. His parents were drunk at the graduation party and started blathering on about their broken marriage. Point is, just because I've been drinking doesn't mean it's a bad idear. Wait, I meant--"</span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And she just stares at me. "Idear." Slurring is our previously determined safeword where even I have to accept that I am too drunk to function anymore. She gets some electrolyte water into me (as I discover in the morning, Vitamin Water does not help your hangover as much as you think) and she helps me into a cab.</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“What to see my penis?” I say, unfortunately not entirely blacked out enough to the point of forgetting that sentence.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I’m fine, honey.”</span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The next morning I wake up, finding that I have composed seventeen “I’m sorry” text messages (the word "sorry" is spelled correctly in only three of which) and saved them in my drafts folder. Already waiting in my inbox is Cassie’s “Not a problem. Don’t do it again.”<br /><br />*****</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />Couple weeks later, and there's an 80's fun run/recovery party on the calendar. My friends let me know that I'm the designated driver for this occasion. I'm told that I desperately promised to DD a few weeks ago in exchange for a late night ride to Jack in the Box. Recognizing my drunk M.O., I take their word for it and grab my keys. <br /><br />It's one of those parties where 90% of the banter consists of "Are you enjoying the party?" or some variation thereof. A Flock of Seagulls playing on the stereo. It's fairly innocuous, which is heavy praise for that band. <br /><br />I'm the responsible one tonight, so I'm chugging down my Salt Lake City Iced Tea (cola and seltzer water with a lime wedge). As my boys go off to start Ronald Rage-in' (and as much as I'd like to attribute that to them, I came up with that pun), I stay behind and start people-watching (and wondering if leg warmers are ever going to make a legitimate comeback). <br /><br />And there she is. Ms. Cassandra Peterson. About 50 IQ points too high to be the drunk girl at the party, but that's all that's stopping her at this point. She's in "it's the freakin' weekend" or "someone hurt me" mode, either resulting in complete impairment and a huge smile about those prospects.<br /><br />She makes eye contact followed by a straight beeline for me without even blinking. She's sloshing her drink around, but with the cautious fluidity not to spill a single drop (which is helpful because I'm wearing my good shirt, the one I only wear when I know I'll be sober). She offers a huge bear hug, lingering a few seconds longer than she should. <br /><br />"Todddddddd," she lyrically hums off-tune. I smile politely and start to plot a strategy of how to </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">get some Vitamin Water into her and call her a cab (not sure where this idea came from, but it sounds good).</span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> “Todd, remember a couple weeks ago? You had this...” She giggles uncontrollably for the next ten seconds. “You had this idea. Mentioning about how we have never...”</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />"Never what, Cassie? I don't remember many details of that conversation," which isn't entirely a sarcastic lie.<br /><br />"Hooked up before. You and me. And what seemed like a bad idea back then. Well..." The giggles return, right on schedule. She now starts plucking her bra straps like how Lindsay Buckingham would play the solo to Go Your Own Way.<br /><br />"I'm sure it'll be fun. And then we see what happens later. Half of the fear is not knowing what happens next." I can tell that she's already anticipating my refusal, which is borrowed liberally from her own material.<br /><br />"You're going to say that it's a bad idea, but can you really say that it's something you'd regret? I mean, mistake isn't even the right word. By the way, were you aware that Ricky was a mistake? Who knew?"<br /><br />"Uh-huh," I maintain eye contact with her but my peripheral vision notices that we're starting to get some looks.<br /><br />"The only important sample size that matters is N=1. Our experience is all that matters." As a testament to her intelligence, she's making some oddly strong points, even as she mistakes a scented candle for her red cup. <br /><br />But then she does that one move that women of a certain BAC always find to be sultry. She spins her finger around and around and around in the air and then pokes me right in the chest. "Our experience."<br /><br />Her finger stays pressed on my chest, really starting to poke me now. The look on her face morphs from euphoria to utter anger with the world.<br /><br />"Just because my mother says that I need to find someone doesn't mean anything. Well excuse me, Mom. Just because you feel emotionally obligated to hate my father doesn't mean that you're in the sort of situation to be judging my own life decisions with your own very fucked up meter stick. Honestly, I think I'm doing just fine and the very fact that being single is considered an affront to maturity is nonsense. I just finished Infinite Jest. I'm doing fine in my path to adulthood..." This continues on for some time until she's physically and emotionally exhausted.<br /><br />Now that the grievances are aired and her anger purged, Cassie has finally accepted that it's time to go home. I hail a cab at the curb. And as I am just about to get her into the door, she purges what's left in her stomach. She vomits up a night's worth of Bacardi and fear of inadequacy all over the cement, some residual splash ending up on my canvas shoes. I duck back inside and tell my friends I need to drive her home. "No dice," seems to be the consensus among the bro contingent. I promise another DD IOU. This suffices.<br /><br />I finally get Cassie into bed (mission accomplished) with a trashcan by her side. Tuck her in, even manage to get her to wear her nightguard. She's a notorious tooth grinder and I can only imagine the damage a restless night would do. The plastic is already showing signs of heavy wear. After leaving two Motrin next to her bed, I jot down a "Call me when your headache lifts" message, tape it to her left hand, and head home.</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"You're the best," she semi-intelligently mumbles.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I know."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Can I see your penis?” she mumbles with slightly less cognizance.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I’m fine, honey.”</span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">*****</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />Another party, another drunk person, another one-way proposition, another responsible sober buddy. Story of our great love affair. Then as the law of averages would have it, at the next party we’ll both be sober, awkwardly tiptoe around our respective, ill-advised come ons, and like any good married couple that isn't having sex, we pretend that this never happened and move on with our lives. Some day we’ll look back on this and it will all seem funny.<br /><br />And although the threat of "something more" is ever-present, neither of us needs to worry. We're at a comfortable point, Cassie and I. And allow me to reiterate, it's just not there.<br /><br />From what I have gleaned from movies, pop music and my parents, maturity is about accepting the limits of what you can or can't do. Recognizing that some goals just aren't plausible, some dreams aren't going to be realized, and some people just aren't supposed to be together. Otherwise it would have happened by now. But blackout cycles aren't under our control. Yup. That alignment is left up to a higher power.<br /><br />*****<br /><br />Last week I check my inbox. Get an invite for a "Vegan Lesbian Surprise Party." Apart from the fact that the host doesn't have a clear understanding of noun-adjective agreement, I'm not exactly sure what this means. The party can entail one of three things:</span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A) It's a surprise birthday party for a lesbian vegan</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">B) A lesbian has decided to swear off meat and animal products. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">C) A vegan is coming out of the closet to her friends and family. Surprise!</span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
Either way, I put on a pair of open toed sandals and bring hummus.<br /><br />Cassie texts me, equally confused about the theme. "See you tonight," she writes back, making a key point not to abbreviate any words. By my calendar, tonight is my turn to be a drunk idiot, so I put on my "going out gear" of a wrinkled white t-shirt under my second favorite sweater that already has a beer stain on the right sleeve. <br /><br />The party, as it turns out, is being hosted by a lesbian whose girlfriend convinced her to go on a vegan diet. The first surprise was that we, too, would be eating a vegan meal in the hopes of hooking us on a 30-day vegan cleanse/experiment (and yes, they referred to it as a clensperiment). The other rule of the cleanse is that it will be a sober month, "Hoping to make us more mature in our alcohol intake."</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />As I keep waiting for the next "Surprise!" to come and tell me that this is all huge practical joke (preferably along with a full keg), Cassie walks over to me, holding something behind her back.</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Not sure about you, but I was expecting a vegan coming out to her family."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Knowing her parents, the vegan angle would probably disappoint them more."</span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Before I can mention the horrors of this PETA-friendly, non-voluntary sobriety, Cassie directs my attention to her right hand. She's discreetly cradling two beers (with multiple umlauts in the name). <br /><br />"I had no idea it was a sober party so I brought a case. And now I feel as though I'm breaking some AA rule...or the vegan equivalent." After auctioning off my secrecy for a few beers, we head out to the balcony where she stashed the remaining 10 bottles behind the succulent garden and start cracking them open.</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Other issue was that I didn't know if beer was vegan," she says.<br /> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Yeast is technically alive, although it might die out during the fermentation process."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I don't think that being alive is the criteria for veganism. Veganity. Whatever they call it."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Well yeast doesn't a face. I think."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Todd, you can tell me the reproductive habits of the common cicada and yet the facial structure of bacteria eludes you."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"It's a gift."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I've always liked that sweater on you," she adds. "Glad you wore it tonight."</span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As the vegan festival continues on inside, it doesn't seem as though our presence is missed. I take a strong swig, wince and get a look at the label. "What is this, 11.5%? Are you trying to lower my inhibitions?"<br /><br />She stops, halfway between embarrassed and offended. "Not my intention, Todd."<br /><br />"Of course not. Didn't mean anything by it." Possibly as penance, possibly as a show of good faith, I knock back my Krsticbraü and take out another. </span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> "Unfortunately I remember too much about the last party," she admits, something that stone cold sober Cassie would never do. "I was in a bad place and--"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Don't have to apologize."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"No, I do. I keep putting you in an uncomfortable position."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Nothing that I haven't done to you before."</span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She admits that she had a blow up with her mother earlier that night, which had caused her to nearly bite all the way through her nightguard. Taking her mind off of the subject of mother-induced melancholy, we attempt to run through the vice presidents, which proves staggeringly difficult when not plastered. By the time we finally end up at Joe Biden, we switch over to a new list, but neither of us can remember the actor who played the Third Doctor so that game of Scattergories comes to a quick end.<br /><br />Feeling analytical, I start to do the math in my head (mental math is one of the few basic skills which has not left me as I grow up). 180lb male x three beers x 11.5% alcohol x 45 minutes x only consumed vegan appetizers tonight. Meanwhile a </span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">[REDACTED FOR POLITENESS]</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> lb. female x one beer x 11.5% x 50 minutes, vis a vis, ergo...<br /><br />We're both blowing around a .055. Both had the right amount to drink. Which is an odd thing to say. Either you're too sober or you're done-zo'd. Like how you always complain that a driver is either too cautious or too reckless. You never point out the guy on the freeway who's doing it right, keeping it just above the speed limit. No. You focus on the grandma in the fast lane or the teenager cutting in and out of traffic, driving with his knees while text messaging his drug dealer.<br /><br />Nope, you very rarely recognize those moments where you've actually had enough and don't want to upset that balance.<br /><br />She says she's tired. She rests her head on my shoulder. I say I don't mind. I let her. <br /><br />And at the moment I'm sure that she's not going to be moving any time soon, a pounding on the glass door rustles us. One of our idiot friends (who, despite his momentary sobriety, has found a way to be even more of an asshole) yells, "Get a room!"<br /><br />"Shut up, Ricky! Your mom told us gruesome details about your conception!" The unintended decibel level of my voice rouses the other reveling vegans. They open up the doors, gawking at the the two drunkies sitting on the two-seat couch, all the while allowing the party's miserable soundtrack to waft out onto the patio.</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"What the hell is that?" she quietly asks.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"A Flock of Seagulls."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Truly terrible, isn't it?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"It sure is."</span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We hold hands, sitting on the couch like an old married couple. All the while I'm wondering when the next party is going to be, and promising myself that I'll have the same amount to drink that night.<br /><br /><br />-30-</span></div>
</div>
Max Davisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12357167196487741255noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18719845.post-35588490948461483212014-12-08T09:58:00.000-08:002015-10-24T20:42:58.583-07:00Indiana Jones' T.A.<div class="MsoNormal">
We’ve got a packed house today, so please try to find a seat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Welcome to
Archaeology 105.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m Cody, your
T.A. for the semester.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately
Dr. Jones will not be in class this week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He’s off on one of his, let’s say, “side projects.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, until he returns, I’ll be taking
over his lectures and office hours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Luckily for you I wrote the lesson plan for him, so you’re not going to
miss out on anything. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So if you’ll
open your books to page--</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ladies?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why are
you leaving?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, you were just
auditing?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well, today’s lecture will focus on Mesopotamia’s development.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Archaeologist
Kathleen Kenyon was the first to state that the Neolithic Era could be broken
down into two distinct--</div>
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<br /></div>
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Me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I haven’t been on any adventures with
Dr. Jones. Although, last summer I did take part in an archaeological dig in
New Mexico.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, if we’re being
technical I just assisted in the dig. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Either way, we<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>didn’t
uncover anything other than shards of pottery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, in my opinion, archaeology is more than just
globetrotting and treasure hunting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I was saying, Mesopotamian civilization deviated from other
societies of the era in a few key ways.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>For one--</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Uh, gentlemen?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Could you please stop talking?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This is an essential bit of information, integral to both your final exam and your
future careers in this field.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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But none of you are archaeology majors?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ok.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And you’re all taking this pass/fail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Great. </span>Then why exactly did you choose to take
this particular--<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because everyone
on campus says, “You have to take a Doctor Jones class before you graduate.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well, while you’re here you can still learn something about
ancient societies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Marshall
College has one hell of an archaeology department.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have professors who are far more qualified than Dr.
Jones.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, quite frankly, the
man’s credentials are not that impressive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Considering his numerous absences, how he got tenure is
beyond me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The professor you really need to take is my mentor and
thesis reader, Dr. Stephen Henderson-Caldwell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He places emphasis on the academic arena rather
than gallivanting off in Nepal, searching for some rare artifact with little to
no educational value.</div>
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<br /></div>
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And more of you just walked out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fantastic.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Look.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m the
one who’s going to be grading your papers, not Dr. Jones.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So maybe you should start showing
me a little bit of respect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m
writing my honors PhD dissertation on the subject of ancient Greece and the origins of their
mythology--</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No, that does not mean Atlantis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, I am sure. No, I don’t feel the need to do the legwork
and unequivocally prove that there’s no lost city on the bottom of the
ocean.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dr. Henderson-Caldwell says
that my early chapters are among the most thoroughly researched and footnoted
that he has ever had the pleasure to revise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For those of you still sitting here, let me grab the class
roll from Dr. Jones’ desk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Spring-loaded snakes in the top drawer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which one of you jocks did this?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Clever. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Might work
on Dr. Jones.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My fears are more practical, like shellfish
or my father’s disapproval.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Doubt he
can relate to that one.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, no.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I might
not be the “cool prof” on campus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And no, I have not hunted down any buried treasure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But that doesn’t mean I’m not qualified
to teach you about how the development of farming impacted the Sumerian hunter/gatherer
sociological dynamic.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b>That’s because at its core, archaeology
is about finding hidden depths in simple objects.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like, this coffee mug.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>One day, a future civilization will look back on this mug and wonder
what sort of person or group would use it for--<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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Know what?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Since
you’re already making your way to the door, let’s just call it a day right
there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But please make a concerted effort
to make the next<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>lecture.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b>If Dr. Jones comes back next month and finds that his
entire seminar has dropped out, I will be a dead man. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I cannot lose my grant money.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With my resume, I doubt I can find
another part-time job to pay for my room and board.<br />
<br /></div>
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Max Davisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12357167196487741255noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18719845.post-7816303983500874982014-11-10T11:08:00.001-08:002014-12-27T20:09:02.899-08:00Pulp Flip-tion<div arial="" class="MsoNormal" font-size:="" small="">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<span style="background-image: initial; background-repeat: initial;">Hello, little man. I’ve sure heard a great deal about you.</span> <span style="background-image: initial; background-repeat: initial;">See, your old man and I were pretty close. And I’ve got something to give to you. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<span style="background-image: initial; background-repeat: initial;">In my hands is a cellular telephone that was first purchased by your grandfather Charlie back in twenty ought two. It was bought at a store known as “Circuit City” and was manufactured by Motorola, one of the first companies to ever make mobile devices. Up until then, people only talked on the phone when they were at home. If they were out of the house, they just didn’t pick up.</span></div>
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<span style="background-image: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-image: initial; background-repeat: initial;">Charlie had been told that cell phones were the way of the future, but your grandfather never really used it apart from the occasional game of Snake. There were still payphones and landlines, you see. The most utility he got out of it was as an accessory, clipping it onto the front of his belt.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<span style="background-image: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<span style="background-image: initial; background-repeat: initial;">Realizing that it was useless in his own hands, he offered the phone to his son, your uncle, Dakota. The day before Dakota went off to Oberlin, Charlie gave him his old phone for emergencies only. The old guy didn’t want to waste any of their family plan minutes.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<span style="background-image: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<span style="background-image: initial; background-repeat: initial;">That soon changed once Dakota started texting throughout freshman year. And, mind you, this was before T9 was invented. The kid texted so much that the paint on the buttons started to chip. They’re still worn down today, as you can see.</span></div>
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<span style="background-image: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-image: initial; background-repeat: initial;">He nearly lost your grandfather's phone at a sophomore year foam party. Thankfully Dakota preemptively put it in a plastic bag and the vibrate mode was so loud that he could find it by dialing his own number and listening carefully as he combed the party the next morning.</span></div>
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<span style="background-image: initial; background-repeat: initial;">Your uncle, however, was a man with little appreciation for the past. Soon he would opt out of his contract and latch onto one of those newly invented Apple devices. This meant that he, in turn, handed down the family phone to his little brother, Morgan. Your father.</span></div>
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<span style="background-image: initial; background-repeat: initial;">Your Daddy used this phone all throughout college, which is where I met him. Even after graduating and watching as the flip became outdated, Morgan adored that phone and held onto it. </span>Sure, everyone he came across mocked him, but he <span style="background-image: initial; background-repeat: initial;">didn’t want to be distracted by data plans or backing up to the Cloud or whether or not to switch over to a Droid. </span> It was a simple phone from a simpler time.<span style="background-image: initial; background-repeat: initial;"></span></div>
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<span style="background-image: initial; background-repeat: initial;">This phone was in your Daddy’s front pocket when he walked into the Verizon store to re-up his contract. Turns out that ol’ Morgan had twelve upgrades waiting for him. He could walk out of that store with a brand new, 5G smart phone for absolutely nothing. Free of charge. But he wasn’t about to trade in his family heirloom for one of these new finagled “phablets.”</span></div>
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<span style="background-image: initial; background-repeat: initial;">Two years later, he returned to purchase a new lithium battery and the salesguy told him that</span> it would actually cost $3 less a month if he got a smart phone. That’s when Morgan realized that they had him trapped. <span style="background-image: initial; background-repeat: initial;">Your father knew if the guys at the Verizon store ever saw the phone again, it would be confiscated and replaced with a newer model.<b></b></span></div>
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<span style="background-image: initial; background-repeat: initial;">It couldn't stream video or connect to the net, but as far as your father was concerned this flip phone was your birthright and he wasn't going to let any Verizon employee put his greasy hands on it and replace it with a Bluetooth compatible iPhone with built-in GPS. So he hid it in the one place no one would look: up his ass. He was able to escape that Verizon hellhole and keep the family artifact.</span></div>
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<span style="background-image: initial; background-repeat: initial;">One night, your old man and I were driving home from a Mumford and Sons concert. He got lost because he forgot to print out directions and wasn't sure which on-ramp to use. And then, as he was talking to your mother on the phone while steering at the same time, </span>we crashed<b>. </b>The car was wrecked. Only one of us could make it out alive.</div>
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<span style="background-image: initial; background-repeat: initial;">So before I left him, he entrusted me with his phone. And to protect it from any upgrades that your father was still eligible for, I hid this uncomfortable hunk of plastic up my ass for three years.</span></div>
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<span style="background-image: initial; background-repeat: initial;">And now, little man, I give your grandfather's Motorola Razr to you.</span></div>
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Max Davisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12357167196487741255noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18719845.post-68508917075959792882014-08-13T11:03:00.000-07:002016-03-15T13:37:30.080-07:00A Modest Proposal for Expendables 4<i>The Expendables III</i> hits theaters this weekend. Normally, I would be camped outside the AMC Burbank right, but I was fairly disappointed with Part II. Couldn't really connect with the characters, the plot lacked the original's subtleties and was almost too easy to follow, I realized that Stallone's character is named "Barney," and despite the larger budget, the filmmakers offered lower stakes.<br />
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<a href="http://maxdavison.blogspot.com/2010/11/we-have-met-enemy.html">Back in 2010</a>, after the release of the first film, I suggested that the sequel should feature a Legion of Doom supergroup of supervillains. A murderer's row of rogue murderers. The Traveling Willburys of Villainy. Instead, the second movie used the following equation for conflict:<br />
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Expendables + Liam Hemsworth + Chuck Norris - Mickey Rourke > Villains + JCVD - Stone Cold - Eric Roberts</span></div>
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Now, I may be three credits short of my Expendatology degree, but that looks like obvious math to me. The First Law of Sequel Villain Inflation (or "Action Movie Affirmative Action") calls<b> </b>for the addition of two villains for every new hero.</div>
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In Part Deux, Van Damme proved to be a rather easy target and the Expendables ran through him (although I suspect that he has a twin brother out there looking for vengeance). In Chapter III, the good guys have another membership drive, recruiting Wesley Snipes (with bullet-time skills of dodging taxes), Antonio Banderas, Harrison Ford, and Ronda Rousey's armbar. The new mastermind villain? Mel "Soft in his Old Age" Gibson.<br />
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If there's one thing Stallone loves, it's Roman numerals. There will assuredly be a Part IV. So, in hopes of salvaging a once great franchise, it's time to revisit my original idea of the Shoot-Em-Up Injustice Gang. Barring an nWo-style double cross from Jason Statham, Jet Li and Terry Crews, we'll have to recruit from outside. When Liam Neeson, Kurt Russell and Carl Weathers join the cast of heroes, we want it to be a fair fight. They need to battle...<br />
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The Indispensables.</div>
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<b>1) Hans Gruber</b></div>
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Yes, he's still at the top of the Power Rankings. It's like when every five years the AFI shockingly ranks <i>Citizen Kane</i> as the greatest film of all time. Gruber, however, set the benchmark for every villain that has come after him. From the meticulously groomed facial hair to the hard to place accent, Hans became the action movie villain archetype with the first utterance of "McClane." Gruber is the gold standard of-- Nay, he is the negotiable bearer bonds of evil.<br />
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<b>2) General Zod</b><br />
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If we're talking about explosions, a high body count and overall devastation (even though fans of the movie insist that all of Metropolis was evacuated before the brawl and the Kryptonians were merely knocking over empty office buildings), Zod is your man. </div>
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<b>3) Magneto</b><br />
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He's a terrorist who is convinced that he is just in his cause of redistributing the balance of power so the minorities dominate the globe. If his contradictory ideology doesn't make him dangerous, he can also rip the Adamantium out of Wolverine's pores. The bigger question is: do we go with McKellen or Fassbender? My answer? Both. Suddenly the space-time continuum is at stake, not just Soviet nuclear warheads and Stallone's kidnapped granddaughter.<br />
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<b>4) Brock Lesnar as "Himself"</b></div>
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Last time I cast this film, this obligatory WWE wrestler role was held by The Undertaker. How things have changed in four years. Lesnar defeated the Dead Man at Wrestlemania and ended the legendary unbeaten streak. While not an actor (contractually, Brock will not have any dialogue in this movie), Lesnar is a presence. He's a force of nature. He's a beast incarnate who exists solely to F5 Randy Couture. And the owner of an impressive sword/penis tattoo on his chest. </div>
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<b>5) Gary Oldman in "Air Force One"</b></div>
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He accomplished what every villain in the history of "24" couldn't do: abduct the President. (Note: this is still as true in 2014 as it was in 2010.)<br />
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<b>6) Gary Oldman in "The Professional"</b><br />
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Hell, let's just add Gary Oldman in "True Romance," Gary Oldman as Lee Harvey Oswald, Gary Oldman as Dracula, Gary Oldman as Mason Verger, and Gary Oldman in "The Fifth Element." While we're at it, give the man a Spike TV Boner Award for "Best Actor who could win an Oscar every year if he wanted to, but he opts to play Commissioner Gordon instead." God Bless You, Oldman. May you never feel the need to present at the Independent Spirit Awards.<br />
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With such a versatile actor, I see no logistical problem with multiple Oldmen<sup><span style="font-size: xx-small;">1</span></sup> terrorizing Stallone.<br />
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<b>7) The Engineer from "Prometheus"</b><br />
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Why is he here? Why did his race create humanity if only to destroy us? Why leave behind a star map that leads not to your home planet but to a random armory? What was the purpose of the black goo that seems to arbitrarily decimate and evolve? Why is there a mural of an Alien if the Xenomorph doesn't exist until the end credits scene? Why did anything in that entire movie happen if it isn't even a direct prequel to Alien?<br />
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Ambiguity is the true enemy of action movies. Kill it with fire, Statham.<br />
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<b>8) Biff Tannen</b></div>
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He's a bully. He's a time traveler. He bet on the World Series. He sexually assaulted Marty's mother. If that doesn't qualify him for Expendables duty, what will? And since we're now using time travel to bring two generations of Magneto to the present, who better than Old Man Biff to pilot the Delorean?</div>
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<b>9) Chow Yun-Fat in "A Better Tomorrow"</b></div>
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<a href="http://www.lovehkfilm.com/reviews_2/ab5734/better_tomorow_1.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" src="http://www.lovehkfilm.com/reviews_2/ab5734/better_tomorow_1.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 267px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 500px;" /></a>Because Jet Li still has to fight someone <a href="http://www.comingsoon.net/news/movienews.php?id=92291">and Donnie Yen won't do it</a>.</div>
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<b>10) Sensei Don Kreese from "The Karate Kid"</b></div>
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What we often forget about the cruel sensei is that before opening his dojo, Don Kreese was in 'Nam serving as a Green Beret. He's not a bitter coach living vicariously through his students: he's ex-Military training his charges to serve as his new militia. He had a cult-like control over his leg sweeping Cobra Kai proteges, making his an ideal fit for the team's field general. </div>
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He's the terrifying father figure from your nightmares, powered by a twisted sense of justice and the memory of fire raining down on Charlie. </div>
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<b>11) Ed Harris as "The Shadowy Puppetmaster"</b><br />
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A cross between his characters in <i>Snowpiercer</i> and <i>The Truman Show</i> (meaning he'll wear both a bathrobe and a beret), Harris is the ultimate manipulator, writing the rules of the game in his isolated yoga studio (or whatever obscure lair he's cooped up in). I would have cast both Harrises, but we've already covered that with Gary Oldman so it might be doppleganger overkill. And we don't want The Expendables Part IV to be guilty of overkill.<br />
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And last, but not least:<br />
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<b>12) The Diplomatic Immunity Guy from "Lethal Weapon 2"</b></div>
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And then, in the post-credits scene: A dark figure sits in a New Orleans castle, plotting revenge. Is it Thanos? Smaug? Bane?</div>
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No.</div>
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<u>Nic Cage</u>.</div>
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So we have a true epic, deserving of the name "Expendables." A slugfest between good and evil. Interstellar implications. Time travel paradoxes. Brock Lesnar. And the promise of Nic Cage. <br />
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If all goes well, in four years I'll be back with my suggestions for Expendables V: Cage Match.<br />
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<sup id="fn1">1. By the way, "Multiple Oldmen" will be playing Coachella night two this year.</sup><br />
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Max Davisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12357167196487741255noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18719845.post-10834973555982640192014-08-01T17:03:00.005-07:002014-09-30T10:43:49.757-07:00Meet Cute, Minus the MeetingWe all know the story. Hero, on his trusty steed, gallops toward the castle. The tower is guarded by dragons, a moat, possibly an enchanted spell or two. The reason he is boldly (some might say recklessly) charging into danger is his one true love, the Princess, who is currently trapped in a dungeon by order of her evil step-parent/paranoid tyrant/malevolent warlock. Our shining knight smites the foes, rescues the princess, and happily ever after we close the book.<br />
<br />
In recent decades, this tale has morphed into the classic Nora Ephron Romantic Comedy. Guy meets girl. Due to misunderstandings or professional rivalries, they can't be together. And just when he's about to accept love into his life,<b> </b>the dragon-infested castle emerges at the end of act two. Ten minutes of indecision later, our<b> </b>Hero, now understanding that he is, in fact, capable of a relationship, finally rescues the Princess thanks to a grand romantic gesture...only it turns out that she is actually rescuing him. Roll credits. <br />
<br />
The RomCom is often derided as a fairy tale, asking the audience to ignore contrivance in order to enjoy a love story about overcoming odds, adversity, and our own prejudices. The key logical problem to overlook isn't the abundant coincidences: rather, it's the steady stream of love interests for unlikeable men. <br />
<br />
No matter how petty or obnoxious or damaged, these characters never seem to have any trouble meeting women who want to spend an evening with them. All of your neurotic, standoffish, sarcastic, anti-social heroes (Woody Allen, John Cusack, Billy Crystal, <a href="http://splitsider.com/2011/07/checking-in-with-the-girlfriends-of-george-costanza-seasons-1-5/">George Costanza</a>) are never single for extended periods of time. No, that would only distract from the real obstacles: she works for a rival publishing outfit or he used to date her roommate and there are some residual bad feelings (or, in a second act twist, romantic feelings), etc.<br />
<br />
Granted, life isn't fiction. Walter Mitty taught us that escapism only exists in our fantasies and Mindy Kaling (both the character and the human being) is predicated on the stunning revelation that your twenties don't operate under the same rules as a Nancy Meyers movie.<br />
<br />
Yet there is still truth in these films. Modern relationships are based on many Cusackian problems: crises of conscience, chasing after the wrong person, knowing when to make compromises and when to follow your gut and bolt.<br />
<br />
And at this point in my life, getting to the stage where I'm<b> </b>confronted with these dilemmas is a dragon-infested castle in and of itself. <br />
<br />
I have been Damsel-less for a while now. Los Angeles is not a wasteland for dating. With the normal assortment of bars, farmers markets, Tinder, Runyon Canyon, Trader Joe's, dog parks, LinkedIn, etc., you can meet women, Over the past four months, I managed to get the numbers of three women. And before dialing each, I anticipated LA relationship problems in the arena of: She's more prolific on Twitter than me, a love triangle with another writer, I learn details about her from watching YouTube clips of her stand-up as opposed to hearing it from her firsthand, or she blogs about our dates (or vice versa, apparently).<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
The results were as follows:<br />
<br />
#1<br />
Left a message, asking her out. <br />
Never heard back.<br />
<br />
#2<br />
Made a date. <br />
I had to cancel. We made plans for next week.<br />
I called to confirm, left a message.<br />
Never heard back.<br />
<br />
#3<br />
Made plans.<br />
She cancelled the day of, due to work-induced exhaustion.<br />
Days later, she calls and apologizes for not getting back sooner. We circle a date the next week.<br />
I call to confirm.<br />
Never heard back.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">DISCLAIMER #1</span>: I didn't leave rambling, sprawling, Nikki messages. I didn't stutter, ramble, digress, or call her by the wrong name. Didn't call her "Baby" or make off-color jokes about Gaza. Just your generic, slightly self-deprecating voicemail.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">DISCLAIMER #2</span>: There is an implied "Psyched myself up by McConaugheyly thumping my chest" before every "Left a message."<br />
<br />
Losing interest. Schedules that don't overlap. Geographic undesirability. Her decision that "she just doesn't have the time to devote to dating." These are my "We have to pretend to be a couple for the next week" or "We have to keep our relationship a secret from our families" or "I might actually be in love with her sister" problems. The dreaded "Where is this relationship going?" conversation consists of waiting days for a reply, then overanalyzing whether a text message "I'm sorry" is sincere or sarcastic.<br />
<br />
Watching Ashton Kutcher meander through the murky waters of "Do I like this girl...or do I love her?" is like listening to a friend whine about office problems while you're on unemployment. Instead of complaining about actual relationship problems, here I am, complaining that I can't find a date. I had always hoped for more conflict during these romantic down times. Although, much like the movies, there are plenty of moments of self-doubt, typically set to "How Soon is Now?"<br />
<br />
Still clinging to the idea that life works like fiction and hoping that there is some sort of structure that governs events, I've decided that either I'm in pre-Act One of a romantic comedy, waiting for the story to start, or perhaps I'm at the second act break, realizing that I have to make a serious change in order to find my dream girl.<br />
<br />
I'm beginning to think that maybe we've been looking at the wrong genre as a basis for our love lives. The great love story of our time isn't a coincidental Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan meet cute, it's an Indiana Jones treasure hunting quest where we have to track and locate the hidden castle before we can scale it. Because right now, it feels like finding the challenge is the real obstacle. <br />
<br />
So, I'll end this by processing life in the only way I know how: by quoting Cameron Crowe.<br />
<br />
"I want to get hurt." -Lloyd Dobler<br />
<br />
<br />
-30-<br />
<br />
***********<br />
<br />
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<br />Max Davisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12357167196487741255noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18719845.post-75116728265472281222014-06-04T08:29:00.000-07:002014-06-04T08:29:09.276-07:00Robert Frost's Choose Your Own Adventure Novel<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><u>PAGE 10</u></b><br /><br />You come across two roads diverged in a yellow wood. Carefully examining each trail, you find them to be relatively similar, path-wise, if not identical. The only discernible difference is that one is grassy and wants wear while the other looks slightly more trod upon.<br /><br /><br />-To take the road less traveled by, turn to page 103. <br />-To follow the other path, turn to page 19.</span><div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /><br /><b><u>PAGE 19</u></b><br /><br />You take two steps towards the unknown, but ultimately opt against it. Following the footsteps of other hikers, you walk unimpeded down the path. Birds chirp, a breeze brushes through your hair and seasonal foliage provides shade. Yet your mind continues to wander to the other road and all that it promised. Might have met an attractive fellow traveler. Perhaps you would have been more inspired by the wild, overgrown trees. Maybe even found a lucky penny. That road not taken now offers two things: 1) regret and 2) infinite potential.<br /><br />-To make a u-turn, return to the fork, and choose again, turn to page 103.<br />-To put your head down, persevere, and march down your chosen path, turn to page 52.<br /><br /><br /><b><u>PAGE 52</u></b><br /><br />After navigating the woodland trail, you reach the end unscathed and successfully exit the forest. Yet even as you resume your normal life, the idea of that other road haunts you. Somewhere there is a version of you who took that path; someone who wanted to brave the unknown and conquer nature.<br /><br />Your mind strays at work, using your legal pad to sketch landscapes of how you think that road might look. You read books about multiple timelines and “Sliding Doors” remains a fixture on your Netflix queue (although you never admit this to anyone for several reasons).<br /><br />-To get in your car, travel back to the woods, find the fork in the road, take the other trail and glean some idea of what could have been, turn to page 103.<br />-To put the issue aside and get on with your life, turn to page 87.<br /><br /><br /><b><u>PAGE 87</u></b><br /><br />Finally listening to your therapist, you decide to let go of this fixation. Your obsessive reading about multiple universes does, however, arouse an interest in quantum mechanics. Theoretical physics becomes your new obsession, if not your calling. After countless years of dedication and study, you earn a PhD in theoretical physics with an emphasis on alternate dimensions. <br /><br />While proud of your degree, you still harbor a curiosity about that fork in the road. Did that day define the rest of your life? In your off hours, using the school’s equipment and some creatively-obtained plutonium, you develop a makeshift time machine. If the machine works as planned, you will awaken in your younger self’s body, ready to make a different choice. You enter the machine, take a deep breath, and throw the switch. <br /><br />-If the machine works, turn to page 103.<br />-If time travel is purely a theoretical concept with no practical applications, turn to page 99.<br /><br /><br /><b><u>PAGE 99</u></b><br /><br />Lights flash, gaskets turn, and the power in the physics department pulses...but you remain standing in the present. The machine was a dud. Rage burns in your eyes. You tighten your fists. And then you laugh.<br /><br />Despite this failure, you are finally glad that this ordeal is over. You have conclusive evidence that we can’t revisit or change past events. It is time to let the issue die and put childish things away. Content with your career and academic accomplishments, you decide to live the life you’ve chosen.<br /><br /><b><i>THE END</i></b><br /><br /><br /><br /><b><u>PAGE 103</u></b><br /><br />Inspired by rugged individualism, you take a deep breath and head down the road less traveled. Feeling like a true American Romantic, you think about getting “Manifest Destiny” tattooed somewhere on your body. <br /><br />Taking two steps down the path, you step on an errant tree root and twist your ankle. In the ensuing fall, your leg snaps. It’s a compound fracture of your tibia. Writhing in pain, you call out for help, but due to the overgrown brush and generally unappetizing look of this trail, no one hears your cries<br /><br />Perhaps the other road might have led to a different result. Maybe it held more promise. Hearing coyotes off in the distance, you say with a sigh that you took the road less traveled by. And that made all the difference.<br /><br /><b><i>THE END</i></b><br /><br /><br />*******************<br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdi8kr3wvFRkhv2B34ePPkIVPHWhMtWMRBsh2TfPjjdo_48ozDtRZ1U6jsPv3HE6zvAT9vRmovOcCTY4sfDRUVrZ7VDBg-N2AR66J33esnCgfR027a39ceBBk0CijMumHzRGZVzw/s1600/PX00242_9-thumb-275x339-30970.jpg"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdi8kr3wvFRkhv2B34ePPkIVPHWhMtWMRBsh2TfPjjdo_48ozDtRZ1U6jsPv3HE6zvAT9vRmovOcCTY4sfDRUVrZ7VDBg-N2AR66J33esnCgfR027a39ceBBk0CijMumHzRGZVzw/s1600/PX00242_9-thumb-275x339-30970.jpg" /></a></span></div>
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The origin of the abbreviation is the subject of much debate
and posturing amongst the American Acronym Community (AAC).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While most historians commonly attribute
it to Strunk and White’s seminal <u>The Elements of Style</u>, there is no textual
evidence of the abbreviation in the book.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Messrs. William Strunk Jr. and Elwyn Brooks White hint at its meaning
and later use, but the actual abbreviation does not appear in any of the guide’s
105 pages.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Text message and Twitter culture has led to an increased
emphasis on concise and condensed, and more easily digestible language<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></b>Some note that this practice originated in the era of telegrams,
which charged by the character and predicted modern shorthand (see: the 1890
wire that substitutes “gm” for “good morning”).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The particular abbreviation to which I refer is the Unified
Field Theory of brevity; encapsulating two hundred years of succinct
proofreading in only four simple characters.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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An increasing number of scholars have accepted the theory
that Professor Travis Leftwich first used the abbreviation in 1998 while
lecturing at Irvington College<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>(sometimes
derided as “Hammerfield’s safety school”).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Professor Leftwich encountered a particularly difficult
student (said student’s name has been redacted from Irvington’s registrar’s
office for reasons too convoluted to express in this essay) whose gross disregard
for academic decorum led Leftwich to devise his own typographical mark to
combat this reckless wordiness.</div>
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<br /></div>
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The assignment called for 2,500 words on Hemingway’s use of the
Iceberg Theory in <u>A Farewell to Arms</u>. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Word count was Leftwich’s one sticking point as a professor. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He implored his students to formulate a
substantial argument and<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>not to resort
to fiddling with margins, increasing font size or including their name in the final
count.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If his students took the
time to write them, Leftwich would read every word.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He felt that he owed it to his class, and they, in turn,
would show respect and exercise economy of language.</div>
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<br /></div>
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This affectation dated back to Leftwich’s own time as an
undergrad, studying under his mentor, Professor Pitney Remington.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Prof. Remington lived and died by
Strunk and White, able to quote the exact scripture passage that had been
violated (“Passive voice was used - S&W pg. 18”).<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b>The man had even
manufactured a rubber stamp bearing the three terse letters “ONW,” omit
needless words.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b>For years, Leftwich hoped that
Remington would bestow upon him that timesaving stamp, but the old Professor
still held onto it.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b>Yet even that stamp would not have
helped Leftwich on the night when he encountered the now infamous essay.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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It is unclear whether the student was attempting to make an
emphatic statement against Leftwich’s policy or simply didn’t read the
necessary coursework, couldn’t find anything to say and felt that he or she could
stumble his or her way to the requisite word count.</div>
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<br /></div>
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To label the essay a “Caffeine-fuelled ADHD digression”
would be generous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The paper was
possibly constructed by cut-and-pasting from assignments for other classes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Included were a section on the economics
of the Treaty of Versailles, a few paragraphs about Descartes, and two pages written
in Spanish (with an emphasis placed on demonstrating use of the subjunctive
tense).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The thesis statement did
not arrive until page six (starting with word #1,742), arguing that “Hemingway
liked to hide what actually mattered under cryptic fragments and indicative
sentences.” </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Leftwich stopped reading precisely after the 2,500<sup>th</sup>
word.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At which point, he took out
his Montblanc pen, removed the cap and tattooed the paper with the first
appearance of<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>that soon-to-be-commonplace
abbreviation.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Other acronymic researchers, however, insist that Prof. Leftwich
adopted this abbreviation from his wife, Dora Leftwich née Richardson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These theorists point to her time in
the steno corps at the advertising agency BCLW&P.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The office was populated by copywriters who were pithy for a
living, so they felt no need to continue that trait in their off hours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This resulted in sprawling interoffice
memos that Dora would frequently proofread, edit and then return to their
original authors for revisions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shockingly,
she was not particularly popular around the agency, but this attention to
detail was what originally attracted her to Leftwich.</div>
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On their 22<sup>nd</sup> anniversary (which occurred eight
days before the due date for the Hemingway paper) their affinity for brevity
finally became problematic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Leftwich
discovered that the love letter he had sent his wife had been marked in red ink
with this four-letter abbreviation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Unsure if it was a tongue-in-cheek joke or a mockery of his past attempts
at being romantic, this led to several days of uncomfortable passive aggression
at home, until Dora revealed that she was not criticizing the word count
(although trims could have been made here and there) or even making a
typographical suggestion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was
simply an ode to their early days of dating and carving their initials into
trees.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So as Leftwich stared at this student’s incoherent,
twelve-point-five font monstrosity, he<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>started
to compose the diatribe to end all diatribes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He considered keeping his class long after the bell had rung,
lecturing them on this abomination and all of its transgressions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, he realized, that would waste an
absurd amount of time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He ultimately
opted for a more direct strategy that would more easily get his point across.</div>
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<br /></div>
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The next morning, Professor Travis Leftwich pinned this paper,
in a Ninety-Five Thesian fashion, on the door of his classroom, serving as a
message to all present and future students.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They stared up at the essay and first observed the
abbreviation that, since then, has saved many an online commentator from
unnecessary content.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And that,
readers, is the commonly accepted origin of<br />
<br />
Tl;Dr.</div>
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-30-</div>
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Max Davisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12357167196487741255noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18719845.post-81463664258320040562014-01-22T10:53:00.000-08:002014-01-26T02:31:06.890-08:00Chivalry.com - "Single Princess Seeking Rescue"<div style="color: #222222; font-size: small;">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Single princess seeking rescue. I’m currently being held captive in a tower defended by a molten lava moat and possibly an enchanted riddle or three. Exact details about my imprisonment aren’t important, but I will say it has been far too long since a knight has attempted to scale these walls and free me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A bit more about myself: Before I was locked away, my ideal Sunday involved frequenting the market run by the local farmers, then trekking across the hillside<i> </i>before retiring to the castle to pop open a skin of wine.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I know this is a silly way to meet someone (we maidens all hope to find our Prince Charming through chance), but I believe in love and I’m ready to be rescued. I’m not just looking for a hero; I’m looking for a best friend.</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">SHININGKNIGHT85:</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My dear Damsel,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A carrier pigeon brought this parchment and I must say your letter truly spoke to me. And I am not just referring to the beauty of your attached portrait (by the way, was that painted before or after your capture?). I honestly feel as though we are both looking for the same things in life.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Let me know if you’re interested and I’ll break you free from that dungeon. Maybe this Friday night? There’s a double feature minstrel show at the New Beverly amphitheater and I think you’d really enjoy it. Enclosed with this parchment is my own portrait. The hunting dog at my feet is named Brutus. He was a rescue. Love the little guy.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">P.S. There is no shame in sending out an S.O.S. If anyone ever asks, we can say that we met when reaching for the same leg<b><i> </i></b>of mutton in the freezer case at Joe's trading post.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Ha ha! You’re quite funny, ShiningKnight85! Unfortunately, Friday doesn’t work for me. My wicked stepmother fears that I will fulfill some ancient prophecy, supplant her power, and then take control of the kingdom. Long story short, the planets are going to align this Friday so she’s stopping by to make sure that I haven’t been miraculously gifted with any magical abilities. Trying to rescue me then would be far too perilous.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">While we’re waiting to find a day that works, I’d love to know a bit more about you. Where did you go to school? Any secret talents?</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">SHININGKNIGHT85:</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Wicked stepmother? Terrible to hear that your folks split up. Divorce can be a real downer. The night sky on Friday was, indeed, beautiful. Made me think of you. Really hoped that you weren’t dead due to a politically-and-mystically-<wbr></wbr>motivated homicide.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Born to noble parents, I squired on the east coast before moving back to the homestead to start my career in the kingdom. Some call it dull, but wearing a suit every day works for me. There is plenty more to say about my vocation, but it would be much easier to tell you about it in person. Does Saturday night work for your schedule?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sorry for not writing back sooner. Work this past week has been insane. Stepmother had me breaking rocks out in the garden for hours on end. It was lonely, although I will say that it was nice to be let out of the tower for once. And this next week might be even worse. There’s talk of the peasants forming a militia to defeat my stepmother so I’m unsure as to my availability.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Before we make firm plans, I would still like to learn more details about your person. Really want this rescue to be perfect. <b><i> </i></b>How open are you to siring children down the line?<b><i></i></b></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">SHININGKNIGHT85:</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Princess, I apologize in advance for being brusque, but you really seem to be dragging your feet. Do you even want to be freed from that tower? The whole reason someone sends out a plea for rescue is to find a knight to take her out. You don’t have to stay in that lonely cell and be forced into slave labor. All you have to do is say yes. When you’re alone in a dungeon, you can’t afford to be picky. Can you?</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">SHININGKNIGHT85:</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I haven’t heard back from you recently, Damsel. Sorry if that last message came off as hostile, but when there is a woman with beauty such as yours, I find it difficult to wait. Hope you’re still in the tower and that your stepmother hasn’t gone through with the next phase of her political coup.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Of course I wish to find someone. But if I’m going to be rescued, I want it to lead to something serious and meaningful. I’ve seen what a broken marriage can do, particularly when there are claims to the throne involved. I don’t want to end up back in a dungeon after embarking on a single quest. I truly want to live happily ever after. If that is also what you want, do write back and you can rescue me this Friday night.</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">AUTOMATED REPLY FROM CARRIER PIGEON:</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We’re sorry, but the profile you messaged is no longer active with this service.</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">FIRST_TIME’S_THE_CHARMING:</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Milady, I just received your call for help. I feel as though we have so much in common and are both looking for the same things in life. How does Saturday afternoon sound for a rescue and a hike through the canyon?</span><br />
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Max Davisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12357167196487741255noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18719845.post-66237973253744616482013-12-16T11:14:00.001-08:002013-12-16T16:26:29.586-08:00Video Game Review: FACEBOOK<div class="MsoNormal">
Combining the expansive scope of Grand Theft Auto and the
intricate character customization of Mass Effect, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Facebook</i> is possibly the most engrossing open-world RPG available
on the market.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some may be
intimidated by the constant updates needed to keep the game moving forward, but
Facebook provides an unimaginably detailed world that grows more complex as you
share more information about and develop your character.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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The goal of Facebook’s single-player mode is
straightforward: accumulate and maintain the largest network of friends while
not alienating them by oversharing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When first developed, the game was a simple, college-based MMO with only
one level: use your profile to get laid.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></b>Facebook has since expanded, but still retains much
of the original’s “girl stalking”-based objective.</div>
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Before building both a social network and your feeling of self-worth,
you first establish your character’s stats, fleshing out a backstory of
education and employment, selecting favorite movies and music, and choosing a
side in American politics (this will become very important in later levels).</div>
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Sharing photos from parties, your workout stats, and videos
that you are the first to discover helps you collect “Likes,” which are needed
to level up. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In order to snag
friends, players have to create the impression that their protagonist is
leading an exciting life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
first hurdle is how to boast without seeming arrogant (hint: using the
gratitude cheat code allows you to temporarily mask your egotism).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is also a good primer for the
“Convince your college friends that your life is going somewhere” stage.</div>
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As the game progresses and your character’s life becomes
more complicated, you open yourself up to new enemies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Family members enter the game, causing
you to rethink posting your off-color jokes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Prospective employers start to visit your profile and, racing
against the clock, you have to quickly untag drunken photos from the weekend
before it derails your career.</div>
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Not all missions are as cut and dry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The “Change everyone’s opinion on gun
control” level is particularly difficult.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was stuck there for months before having to consult the strategy
guide.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The trick is to keep
posting articles from The Atlantic, and after the fifth post, your opponents
will eventually cede to your expertise and superior command of the issue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Persistence is key.</div>
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There is, however, plenty of downtime between missions<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i></b>as
your character attempts to accomplish something worth posting.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></b>While waiting for the game’s
main plot to pick back up, it is easy to leave your own page and explore the<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>detailed open world.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></b>Tie-In websites such as Buzzfeed, Huffington Post and The Onion only
exist to be posted on walls.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
complex current events of Facebook’s world generate new wrinkles and keep the
debates going.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The recent
“Government Shutdown” DLC made for weeks of petty debates (the point value for
comment chains increases exponentially as they go on), and the designers should
be greatly commended for making midgame boss George Zimmerman a consistent
source of posts and indignation.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
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As you interact with Facebook’s other inhabitants, you stumble
across numerous sidegames to distract you from your main objective.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cyberbullying, the sidegame that has
been reprimanded by parents’ groups, is for more experienced users who have the
time to build a profile within a profile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Plus, it really isn’t as much fun as the media makes it sound.</div>
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While engrossing, Facebook can lose you on occasion; the
campaign tending to feel stagnant<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>and
the narrative disjointed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No
matter how many game hours I logged, it didn’t feel as though my character was
advancing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s more or a random
assortment of check-ins than a cohesive story with forward momentum.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As stated before, there are long
stretches of time where your character has nothing to post.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is made doubly frustrating when
glancing at your friends’ timelines and seeing that they are making more
progress than you, particularly in the “engagement” and “new parent” levels.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></b>You start to wonder if the game is building to any sort of an
endgame, or if Facebook is content on being an open-ended MMO.</div>
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The lack of a consistent plot is offset, however, by the
deep transformation seen in your character.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b>In past RPGs, your choices led you down
one of a set number of paths<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b>Facebook’s protagonist isn’t easily
definable as “good” or “evil.”<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b>There are alternating layers of
narcissism and self-loathing in the gameplay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>evident
in the recurring “Sunday Morning” level in which you log into the game only to discover that your avatar has drunkenly posted wildly inappropriate comments on
several people’s walls.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Following a
trail of notifications and angry replies, you have to run damage control.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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Facebook’s endgame typically begins when the character
reaches the age of 28, and usually around 11pm on a Thursday night, shortly
after escaping the “What the hell am I doing with my life?” dungeon by means of
posting even more links, blog posts, and hilarious status updates.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With no warning or foreboding music,
Facebook’s final boss emerges.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
great antagonist isn’t someone of the opposing political party, an ex or even
predatory advertisers, but rather a shadow version of the player.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Comprised of all the information that
has been inputted over the duration of the game, the avatar has more life and
energy than he player himself.</div>
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Completing the final level requires the player to realize
that digitizing the real world is, in fact, counterproductive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In an ending that invokes comparisons
to “Terminator 2” and “Battlestar Galactica,” the player hacks into the
Facebook mainframe, locates the well-hidden “Settings” menu and, after numerous
tense moments of hesitation, hits the “Deactivate account” button.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Credits roll.</div>
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For all of its downtime and subplots that didn’t lead
anywhere, Facebook is still an immersive experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At times the game was almost too absorbing, which is a good
problem to have when looking for a diversion from real life.</div>
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SCORE: 7.5/10</div>
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<br />Max Davisonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12357167196487741255noreply@blogger.com0