Skip to main content

Lewis and Clark were fine on their own

You know what else really grinds my gears?
I went to the post office to ship off the last load of Christmas whatnot. Priority mail had better be worth it. My total comes to $21.65. I pay with a twenty and a ten. Instead of simply getting back exactly change, the woman at the front desk stiffs me three bucks. I point out her statistical mistake and she stares at me as though I just ordered a salad in a steakhouse and says "No. The change is correct. Look!"
So I look at my palm and in addition tot he 35 cents are three strange coins.
Son of a bitch. She gave me Sacagawea dollars.
Son of a bitch. I hate the US Postal Service!
Seriously, folk. Who the fuck uses these golden atrocities? They look like quarters, but they're not. Vending machines get confused when you use them (thinking that they're quarters). And they're so damn rare that you can never bring yourself to spend them. When you do decide to use them at a store, the clerk will stare at you for a few moments before realizing "OHHH! This is worth a dollar!"

I was about to request three paper dollars before I realized something myself: It's not the post office's fault that they're handing out crappy currency. It's not even the fault of the US Treasury who issued these coins. Who to blame?
I BLAME THIS WOMAN!
SCREW YOU, SACAGAWEA! Did you do anything worthy of being on a coin? All you did was tag along to two perfectly brilliant, white explorers during a trip to the new world. Basically, you were the Horace Grant and Scottie Pippin to Lewis and Clark's Michael Jordan.
Worst of all, what type of currency is she attempting to replace? The $1 bill. And who appears on that bill? George Washington. An American Hero. The Sacagawea dollar is just another ploy by the liberal media/conspiracy to ruin the world. They can't stand that a white man is on the most used bill in the nation. So they first bring in the most famous lesbian before Melissa Ethridge, namely Susan B. Anthony. When Susie fails, here comes Sacagawea. Who's next? Hillary Clinton? Sheryl Swoopes? Oprah?!!!?
I assure you, whenever I take over this land, Ronald Reagan is going to be on every bill, coin and treasury bond. And maybe Barry Zito. Yeah. Reagan and Zito will BOTH be on the $100, as a matter of fact.

Comments

Anonymous said…
You are clearly ignorant of the fact that Lewis and Clark, far from being the intrepid explorers that you claim, would have killed themselves and their crew had it not been for their Indian guide. Sacagawea rescued their party during a treacherous mountain cross after obtaining horses through Naya Nuki (who, in addition to being Sacagawea's best friend, was the sister of the cheif). Had it not been for these horses, the entire company would have died of frostbite in the mountains, dying a slow and undoubtably painful death.
Kate

Popular posts from this blog

It was labor day weekend, I was 17. I bought a coke and some gasoline.

It's currently day three of my blogging adventure, and David Delgado has still not accepted my challenge to get off of his lazy ass and start writing. This is why a hunger strike may be necessary. If Mr. Delgado does not cave in and post a new entry by the end of this week, then on November 14th, I, Max Davison, will officially pull a Ghandi and abstain from eating for as long as it takes. Homer Simpson also utilized this tactic when the Springfield Isotopes were planning on moving to Albuquerque. It worked then, and it will work now if necessary. Onto the blogging... I had a rather pleasant dinner at the Ath tonight. It was a class dinner for Prof. Busch's GOVT20 class. The highlights included conversations about the Ivory Coast, strange roommates, and (most importantly) they had some great cheesecake. So great, in fact, that we raided the empty tables to ensure ourselves some extra slices. Cheesecake. I love it. Occasionally, I'm not sure if I want cake or a dairy

25 October 2007 - I'm not sure what his appeal is, but he deserves better

Superman has kryptonite. Mike Tyson has Buster Douglas. Vince Young has grammar. We all have our weaknesses. But mine is a little bit more embarassing than any of the aforementioned (apart from VY's hatred of the present tense): dumb romantic comedies. Yes, it's not something that I like to admit and it's a vice probably better suited for the Probie or Sean Garrity , but I just like to sit down for an hour and a half, turn my brain off and watch two people fall in love. And apart from the Hanks/Ryan classics (which were ruined for me after Meg ditched Dennis Quaid for Cinderella Man ), there is one thread that links all of my favorites: Hugh Grant. I mean, just look at the guy. When he's not getting arrested for picking up hookers on Sunset (here's a better shot of the man), he's the epitome of the 90 minute romance. He's got "endearingly befuddled" down to an art form, he's also got perfect comedic timing and if you've ever seen hi

24 September 2007 - The One Where Max Curses the Ayatollah

I've been reading up on the Middle east recently. It all started when I watched "Syriana" and was thoroughly confused. Although, watching George Clooney get tortured gave me the same sort of orgasmic bliss that I get from watching Kirk Gibson hobble around second base. Before I started studying, Ayatollah Khomeini was just that guy on the t-shirt that Homer refused to sell at his yard sale. So I have resolved to take as many Gov't classes when I get back to CMC. I'm prepared to ditch my ignorance about that giant bed of sand that happens to be floating on a sea of oil. But in my honest opinion, the greatest victim in the ongoing war between Islam and freedom has to be Yusef Islam, the artist formerly known to the world as Cat Stevens. In 1978, Cat Stevens converted to Islam and left the pop scene to focus on education and philthropy. In 1989, he called for Salman Rushdie's head on a platter, insisting He must be killed. The Koran makes it clear - if som