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Dear Mr. Blake-
My office has received numerous complaints in response to Tuesday’s
speech to the sales team re: the Glengarry leads. These troubling accusations detail inappropriate conduct such
as: verbal abuse, workplace bullying, emasculation, damage to self-esteem and
emotional health, and the overall fostering of a hostile and cutthroat work
environment, all of which flies in the face of the mission statement and core
values of Mitch & Murray Real Estate.
You employed inflammatory language and certain epithets that you can’t use anymore (and never
should have been able to use, if we’re being honest), leading to a speech that was
offensive to a multitude of groups, even those not present in the room (Note to
self: We should make a concerted effort to hire at least one woman to our sales
staff).
In another office, any of these infractions would be grounds
for termination. Per our company
guidelines, however, we are now considering the possibility of probation after
your next offense.
In the past, you have responded to these HR complaints (when
choosing not to disregard multiple e-mails and phone calls and in-person
visits) with diatribes that inquired about the whereabouts of my genitalia and
relentlessly mocked my “soft, bureaucratic, Subaru-driving, Beta male, limp
wristed handshake.” But this time
I ask that you address some glaring lapses in your organizational
infrastructure and motivational techniques.
These accounts cited numerous instances of debasement,
including: “You call yourself a salesman, you son of a b***h?” “The f**king leads are weak? You’re weak.” “You think this is abuse, you c**ks***er?” You used so many expletives, in fact,
that while typing up this report, my star key just now snapped in half, so I apologize
for spelling out these vulgarities in full from here on out.
Positive language has been proven to be more effective than
cruel, berating tirades. Use
encouraging phrases such as “I’d prefer it if you would do X” or “Might there
be another way to accomplish Y?” rather than “Fuck you” and “Fuck you.” I urge you to take an interest in your
coworkers rather than targeting their weaknesses on a personal level.
DO: Ask open-ended questions about your subordinate’s role
as a new father.
DON’T: Tell him “Fuck you, go home and play with your kids.”
Setting clear goals and rewards will inspire collaboration,
rather than selling one another out for the sake of winning a set of steak
knives. There are better motivational tactics than bragging about
the size of your watch, your car, your salary, and one complaint mentioned a
literal set of brass testicles, which I can only assume/hope was a custom made
visual aid.
As I have made clear in several intra-office memos, coffee
is not reserved exclusively for closers.
That communal pot of coffee is designed to raise morale and promote an
inclusive corporate culture that extends across different success levels and
economic strata. Sales is a
relationship business and sometimes the best salesman, sorry, salesperson
isn’t the one who closes the most deals or brings in the most revenue or
contributes the most to the bottom line of the company.
The worst offense is the fact that you continue to
perpetuate the “Always Be Closing” school of thought despite it being
discredited by most management consultants. As outlined in the countless pamphlets I have left on your
desk, we now embrace the mnemonic techniques of: Always Be Compassionate. Always Be Caring. Always Be Conscious of your employee’s emotional
state before saying anything that might be construed as offensive or
unnecessarily ruthless based on a perceived lack of manliness and/or failing to
live up to your narrow definition of success. ABC. It’s
simple.
It also bears noting that sales crashed after your ersatz “pep
talk,” with multiple employees quitting, citing increased stress and low job
satisfaction. One salesman robbed
the office and wound up in police custody, causing quite the pile up of exit
paperwork, fines, and potential lawsuits, all of which made my life
considerably more difficult. I would
prefer it if you would not threaten the staff into committing felonies. Might there be another, more efficient
way to reach our monthly sales quotas?
Despite all of my carefully worded suggestions and thoughtful
performance review feedback, I have not witnessed a single indication that you
are willing to alter your management style. No matter how many sensitivity seminars I recommend or
voluntary mentorship programs I enact, you will continue to be a frustrating,
toxic presence in this office that serves only to hinder progress and--
Know what? Upon
second thought, I am suspending you without pay for the next three months. That’s right. It’s my call to make and I just made it. I’m from HR and I am here on a mission
of vengeance.
Oh. Do I have
your attention now?
And I’m sure you’ll be whining about what? Some guy in HR won’t cave to your abuse. Some pencil pusher won’t let a real man
do his job. Alimony payments eating
into your paycheck. Well let’s
talk about something important. Genuine
human connections.
Good salesman?
Who gives a shit? Crushing
it on commission? Go cry about it in
your BMW as you drive home to your future ex-wife. “Fuck you” should be your name. And you know why?
Because manliness doesn’t mean broad shoulders and a raspy voice and a
Brooks Brothers rewards card. It
means a concern for the well being of those around you, you pathetic testosterone-soaked
protohuman.
So be kind and considerate and respect others’ personal
boundaries, you pencil-dicked walking overcompensation of a man, or I will put
the “severe” back in “severance.” Hit
the bricks, pal, and beat it because your SunTzu-inspired Dunning-Kruger
confidence isn’t going to save you this time, asshole.
If you have any follow-up questions or concerns, please do
not hesitate to reach out. My
schedule will always be clear.
Warm Regards,
Doug from HR
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