Max-stravaganza

“Cycles” By Max Davison If it weren't for the fact that we aren't attracted to one another, Cassie Peterson and I would be married by now. Or at least in a monogamous committed relationship in which we refuse to get married as a way of defying the cultural norm (her idea, not mine). I’m sure that there is some alternate universe where we’re living together. Some Earth-2 version of us where we're smiling, spending our Saturdays at Pottery Barn, laughing at the couples who are having legitimate arguments about place settings. We go mini-golfing not because of the kitsch factor but rather because we love the competition and neither of us can drive worth a damn. Yes, it would all be perfect except for that one snag: neither of us has any inclination. She's my friend. Purely Platonic. And I will now pause while you have the following reaction: *cough* Yeah right *cough*. Glad that's out of your system.  It's an argumentative friendship that occasionally...

We’ve got a packed house today, so please try to find a seat.   Welcome to Archaeology 105.   I’m Cody, your T.A. for the semester.   Unfortunately Dr. Jones will not be in class this week.   He’s off on one of his, let’s say, “side projects.”   So, until he returns, I’ll be taking over his lectures and office hours.   Luckily for you I wrote the lesson plan for him, so you’re not going to miss out on anything.   So if you’ll open your books to page-- Ladies?   Why are you leaving?   Oh, you were just auditing?   All right.   Well, today’s lecture will focus on Mesopotamia’s development.   Archaeologist Kathleen Kenyon was the first to state that the Neolithic Era could be broken down into two distinct-- Me?   No.   I haven’t been on any adventures with Dr. Jones. Although, last summer I did take part in an archaeological dig in New Mexico.   Well, if we’re being technical I just assisted in the dig....

Hello, little man.  I’ve sure heard a great deal about you.    See, your old man and I were pretty close.  And I’ve got something to give to you.  In my hands is a cellular telephone that was first purchased by your grandfather Charlie back in twenty ought two.  It was bought at a store known as “Circuit City” and was manufactured by Motorola, one of the first companies to ever make mobile devices.  Up until then, people only talked on the phone when they were at home.  If they were out of the house, they just didn’t pick up. Charlie had been told that cell phones were the way of the future, but your grandfather never really used it apart from the occasional game of Snake.  There were still payphones and landlines, you see.  The most utility he got out of it was as an accessory, clipping it onto the front of his belt. Realizing that it was useless in his own hands, he offered the phone to his son, your uncle, Dakota. ...

The Expendables III hits theaters this weekend.  Normally, I would be camped outside the AMC Burbank right, but I was fairly disappointed with Part II.  Couldn't really connect with the characters, the plot lacked the original's subtleties and was almost too easy to follow, I realized that Stallone's character is named "Barney," and despite the larger budget, the filmmakers offered lower stakes. Back in 2010 , after the release of the first film, I suggested that the sequel should feature a Legion of Doom supergroup of supervillains.  A murderer's row of rogue murderers.  The Traveling Willburys of Villainy.  Instead, the second movie used the following equation for conflict: Expendables + Liam Hemsworth + Chuck Norris - Mickey Rourke > Villains + JCVD - Stone Cold - Eric Roberts Now, I may be three credits short of my Expendatology degree, but that looks like obvious math to me.  The First Law of Sequel Villain Inflation (or "Action Movie Aff...

We all know the story.  Hero, on his trusty steed, gallops toward the castle.  The tower is guarded by dragons, a moat, possibly an enchanted spell or two.  The reason he is boldly (some might say recklessly) charging into danger is his one true love, the Princess, who is currently trapped in a dungeon by order of her evil step-parent/paranoid tyrant/malevolent warlock.  Our shining knight smites the foes, rescues the princess, and happily ever after we close the book. In recent decades, this tale has morphed into the classic Nora Ephron Romantic Comedy.  Guy meets girl.  Due to misunderstandings or professional rivalries, they can't be together.  And just when he's about to accept love into his life,   the dragon-infested castle emerges at the end of act two.  Ten minutes of indecision later, our   Hero, now understanding that he is, in fact, capable of a relationship, finally rescues the Princess thanks to a grand romantic gestu...

PAGE 10 You come across two roads diverged in a yellow wood. Carefully examining each trail, you find them to be relatively similar, path-wise, if not identical. The only discernible difference is that one is grassy and wants wear while the other looks slightly more trod upon. -To take the road less traveled by, turn to page 103. -To follow the other path, turn to page 19. PAGE 19 You take two steps towards the unknown, but ultimately opt against it. Following the footsteps of other hikers, you walk unimpeded down the path. Birds chirp, a breeze brushes through your hair and seasonal foliage provides shade. Yet your mind continues to wander to the other road and all that it promised. Might have met an attractive fellow traveler. Perhaps you would have been more inspired by the wild, overgrown trees. Maybe even found a lucky penny. That road not taken now offers two things: 1) regret and 2) infinite potential. -To make a u-turn, return to the fork, and choose again, turn to ...

The origin of the abbreviation is the subject of much debate and posturing amongst the American Acronym Community (AAC).   While most historians commonly attribute it to Strunk and White’s seminal The Elements of Style , there is no textual evidence of the abbreviation in the book.   Messrs. William Strunk Jr. and Elwyn Brooks White hint at its meaning and later use, but the actual abbreviation does not appear in any of the guide’s 105 pages. Text message and Twitter culture has led to an increased emphasis on concise and condensed, and more easily digestible language .   Some note that this practice originated in the era of telegrams, which charged by the character and predicted modern shorthand (see: the 1890 wire that substitutes “gm” for “good morning”).   The particular abbreviation to which I refer is the Unified Field Theory of brevity; encapsulating two hundred years of succinct proofreading in only four simple characters. An increasing number of sc...

DISTRESSED_DAMSEL: Single princess seeking rescue.  I’m currently being held captive in a tower defended by a molten lava moat and possibly an enchanted riddle or three.  Exact details about my imprisonment aren’t important, but I will say it has been far too long since a knight has attempted to scale these walls and free me. A bit more about myself: Before I was locked away, my ideal Sunday involved frequenting the market run by the local farmers, then trekking across the hillside   before retiring to the castle to pop open a skin of wine. I know this is a silly way to meet someone (we maidens all hope to find our Prince Charming through chance), but I believe in love and I’m ready to be rescued.  I’m not just looking for a hero; I’m looking for a best friend. SHININGKNIGHT85: My dear Damsel, A carrier pigeon brought this parchment and I must say your letter truly spoke to me.  And I am not just referring to the beauty of your attach...

Combining the expansive scope of Grand Theft Auto and the intricate character customization of Mass Effect, Facebook is possibly the most engrossing open-world RPG available on the market.   Some may be intimidated by the constant updates needed to keep the game moving forward, but Facebook provides an unimaginably detailed world that grows more complex as you share more information about and develop your character. The goal of Facebook’s single-player mode is straightforward: accumulate and maintain the largest network of friends while not alienating them by oversharing.   When first developed, the game was a simple, college-based MMO with only one level: use your profile to get laid.   Facebook has since expanded, but still retains much of the original’s “girl stalking”-based objective. Before building both a social network and your feeling of self-worth, you first establish your character’s stats, fleshing out a backstory of education and employment, selecti...