Skip to main content

I would be the smartest man if I was invisible.....WAIT. I already am.



Why do I hate this queer little man?
an essay by Max Davison

Clay Aiken. Both his first and last names sort of rhyme with "gay." He deservedly lost to Mr. Ruben Studdard during season 2 of Idol. His song 'Invisible' is sadly one of the most played on my iPod. It is so damn catchy! It's the greatest ode to borderline stalking since Rick Springfield's 'Jesse's Girl.' But that's not saying that Clay is even close to the level of godliness that Rick possesses. He sings to overweight minority women in his music videos. And for some reason, women love him. These are reasons enough to dislike the man. But I use the word 'hate' in the title to this piece. Why the hatred? Why the increased degree of intensity in my disapproval? Consider the following lyrics from his (only) hit single, 'Invisible.'

If I was invisible
Then I could just watch you in your room
If I was invincible
I'd make you mine tonight

Do you notice anything wrong with this stanza? And I'm not talking about the fact that finding Clay Aiken watching you in your room is the creepiest thing in the world. Actually, scratch that. Finding Chris Kaman in your room is creepier. But that's not the important thing. There is something far worse than Mr. Aiken's hunt for women....or men.

Clay Aiken is singing about a hypothetical situation. He currently is not invisible. He is expressing a wish or desire to be so. In this case, he should use the SUBJUNCTIVE TENSE to describe this situation. It is NOT, and I repeat NOT "If I was invisible." The subjunctive requires that you change the verb tense to express the abstract nature of his wish. It SHOULD read:

If I were invisible
Then I could just watch you in your room
If I were invincible
I'd make you mine tonight

This is why I can't stand Clay Aiken. He is contributing to the death of American society. Young children who are looking for an AMERICAN IDOL now find an effeminate girly man with bad grammar. What's even worse is that they do not understand his fallacious speech. They don't know better. So, they are going to refrain from using the subjunctive during everyday conversations. Their friends will pick up on this and so on and so on. It's bad enough that the Europeans laugh at how uncultured we are. We can at least mock them back while using proper grammar. WERE you to say to a Frenchman "I wish your country was still overrun with Nazis," all you would get in return would be a snooty laugh.
Beware, my fellow Americans. Beware.

Comments

Anonymous said…
I know you're an English major, but you clearly have too much time on your hands. Perhaps that time would be better spent volunteering with underprivledged children in some third world country or making soup for the homeless.
December 7, 2005 at 9:23 AM
Anonymous said…
thank you anonymous!
December 10, 2005 at 12:05 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

HR's Response to the Always Be Closing Speech

--> Dear Mr. Blake- My office has received numerous complaints in response to Tuesday’s speech to the sales team re: the Glengarry leads.   These troubling accusations detail inappropriate conduct such as: verbal abuse, workplace bullying, emasculation, damage to self-esteem and emotional health, and the overall fostering of a hostile and cutthroat work environment, all of which flies in the face of the mission statement and core values of Mitch & Murray Real Estate.   You employed inflammatory language and certain epithets that you can’t use anymore (and never should have been able to use, if we’re being honest), leading to a speech that was offensive to a multitude of groups, even those not present in the room (Note to self: We should make a concerted effort to hire at least one woman to our sales staff). In another office, any of these infractions would be grounds for termination.   Per our company guidelines, however, we are now consideri...
Post a Comment
Read more

Quiz - Tyler Durden or My Father at Thanksgiving Dinner?

Who said it: Tyler Durden or My Father at Thanksgiving Dinner? 1) How’s that working out for you?  Being clever? 2) Isn’t it time you realized your full potential and became a real man? 3) Get married.  Buy a house.  Start a family.  This is what you've always wanted, right? 4) Meanwhile you’re wasting your time, writing your little satirical pieces instead of contributing to society. 5) Do you have any idea how much we spent on your MFA? 6) Oh what’s that?  You’re not doing it for the money?  Just for “the exposure?”  That’s the same excuse you used on improv classes! 7) Yes, I’m aware that the world needs artists now more than ever, but that doesn’t prevent you from working as a copywriter to subsidize your “art.” 8) Yes, I’ve read the examples you’ve sent.  Those “Who said it?” quizzes. 9) Even your mother felt they were too cute by half. 10) No, Valerie,  That wasn't meant as an insult.  I'm sorry you took it that way.  Can...
Post a Comment
Read more

Kickstarter Project Update #37 - Our 3D printed water bottles and our co-founder are being held hostage by pirates

Dear Backers/fellow dream chasers, Fourteen months ago, you proudly declared that not only did you want a BPA-free water bottle with a custom-printed conforming grip, but you also agreed with the core message and vision of H20DNA.   Part of that mission statement includes being upfront about our delivery timeline.   The good news is that we have finally manufactured every single bottle and they are truly amazing.   There is, however, one minor, fairly negligible hiccup.   Nicaraguan pirates have abducted the completed shipment of bottles as well as our co-founder, Eric Steen-Owens. But do not worry.   Start-up culture means always following through, and just as you didn’t quit when we challenged you to hit the stretch goals of a fanny pack attachment and CamelBak adaptor straw, we will not stop until those bottles (and Eric) are delivered to your door and the US consulate, respectively. -For those of you who pledged up to $35 dollars...
Post a Comment
Read more