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I would be the smartest man if I was invisible.....WAIT. I already am.



Why do I hate this queer little man?
an essay by Max Davison

Clay Aiken. Both his first and last names sort of rhyme with "gay." He deservedly lost to Mr. Ruben Studdard during season 2 of Idol. His song 'Invisible' is sadly one of the most played on my iPod. It is so damn catchy! It's the greatest ode to borderline stalking since Rick Springfield's 'Jesse's Girl.' But that's not saying that Clay is even close to the level of godliness that Rick possesses. He sings to overweight minority women in his music videos. And for some reason, women love him. These are reasons enough to dislike the man. But I use the word 'hate' in the title to this piece. Why the hatred? Why the increased degree of intensity in my disapproval? Consider the following lyrics from his (only) hit single, 'Invisible.'

If I was invisible
Then I could just watch you in your room
If I was invincible
I'd make you mine tonight

Do you notice anything wrong with this stanza? And I'm not talking about the fact that finding Clay Aiken watching you in your room is the creepiest thing in the world. Actually, scratch that. Finding Chris Kaman in your room is creepier. But that's not the important thing. There is something far worse than Mr. Aiken's hunt for women....or men.

Clay Aiken is singing about a hypothetical situation. He currently is not invisible. He is expressing a wish or desire to be so. In this case, he should use the SUBJUNCTIVE TENSE to describe this situation. It is NOT, and I repeat NOT "If I was invisible." The subjunctive requires that you change the verb tense to express the abstract nature of his wish. It SHOULD read:

If I were invisible
Then I could just watch you in your room
If I were invincible
I'd make you mine tonight

This is why I can't stand Clay Aiken. He is contributing to the death of American society. Young children who are looking for an AMERICAN IDOL now find an effeminate girly man with bad grammar. What's even worse is that they do not understand his fallacious speech. They don't know better. So, they are going to refrain from using the subjunctive during everyday conversations. Their friends will pick up on this and so on and so on. It's bad enough that the Europeans laugh at how uncultured we are. We can at least mock them back while using proper grammar. WERE you to say to a Frenchman "I wish your country was still overrun with Nazis," all you would get in return would be a snooty laugh.
Beware, my fellow Americans. Beware.

Comments

Anonymous said…
I know you're an English major, but you clearly have too much time on your hands. Perhaps that time would be better spent volunteering with underprivledged children in some third world country or making soup for the homeless.
December 7, 2005 at 9:23 AM
Anonymous said…
thank you anonymous!
December 10, 2005 at 12:05 PM
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