I never thought that I would remotely see the day when people actually asked me to update this shrine to my own ego that some call "a blog." But the impossible happened, and I'm back in blogging business.
The other reason that I've decided to do it is that from now until April 26th, I'm going to have over 60 pages of papers due. (Pause so that all men reading this will say "Wow. What a man!" and so that all women will take pity on me and offer to cuddle). So for the next 4 weeks while I'm twitching due to sleep deprivation and Red Bull overdoses, I'll find more time to get away from James Joyce and Tennyson and start aimlessly ranting about nothing at all.
Kind of like the resurgence of the high five. Recently, Man Law has determined that the high five is going out of style and is overplayed. Jerome Bettis testified that he gave his teammates a high five after the Super Bowl...but he also gave a stranger on the street a high five after he found a great parking spot. Burt Reynolds offered a continuance on the five until a better alternative is found.
Well, I doubt that's ever going to happen because the high five is classic and timeless. Who'd have thought there would be so many nuances to a simple hand slap?
The Todd has demonstrated the full range of potential for the five. The pride of the surgical staff at Sacred Heart Hospital, Todd has blessed the world with such variations as the Miracle Five, Mental Five, Betrayal Five, I Miss You Five, Self Five, Face Five, Tough-Break Five, Hypothetical Five, Assisted Five, Sterile High Five, Air Five, Inflatable Five, Fist Five, Euphemism Five, Breast-Stroke Five, Hot Belly Sex Five, Make-it-Stop Five, Cyber Five, Duct Tape Five, Let's Get Our Last Day On Five, Five Up High For Cherry Pie, Something Might be Wrong Five, Weenie Roast Five, Mind Five, Sterile Five, Skeptical Air Five, and In Trouble Five.
Borat has also done his job to bring the five back from relative obscurity, proving that inopportune moments are perfect for slapping palms.
So if I see you at a party, get ready for a high five. Because whether you just got rejected, hooked up with a "Sunday Morning Facebook Photo" kind of girl, or just bagged a 7 (Claremont Scale equivalent of a 10), I will slap your hand. It may be a soft one, imparting a notion of remorse, or it may be such a high five that you have to ice your palm for the next two days. But no matter how red your hand may be, just remember that the only things more American than a high five are the bacon cheeseburger and Columbus Day.
Oh, and Naomi also asked me to add two fun facts about the state of Georgia. One of which had something to do with the 5th most police brutality, but I really don't remember exactly. You'll understand why when I tell you that the second factoid is that oral sex is illegal in the Peach State. So allow me to recap. General George T. Sherman salted the land and took away the ground's fertility. Ted Turner took away the state's credibility. And now the legislation has taken away the right to mouthification. Just another reason why if I was from Georgia, I would ice myself.
The other reason that I've decided to do it is that from now until April 26th, I'm going to have over 60 pages of papers due. (Pause so that all men reading this will say "Wow. What a man!" and so that all women will take pity on me and offer to cuddle). So for the next 4 weeks while I'm twitching due to sleep deprivation and Red Bull overdoses, I'll find more time to get away from James Joyce and Tennyson and start aimlessly ranting about nothing at all.
Kind of like the resurgence of the high five. Recently, Man Law has determined that the high five is going out of style and is overplayed. Jerome Bettis testified that he gave his teammates a high five after the Super Bowl...but he also gave a stranger on the street a high five after he found a great parking spot. Burt Reynolds offered a continuance on the five until a better alternative is found.
Well, I doubt that's ever going to happen because the high five is classic and timeless. Who'd have thought there would be so many nuances to a simple hand slap?
The Todd has demonstrated the full range of potential for the five. The pride of the surgical staff at Sacred Heart Hospital, Todd has blessed the world with such variations as the Miracle Five, Mental Five, Betrayal Five, I Miss You Five, Self Five, Face Five, Tough-Break Five, Hypothetical Five, Assisted Five, Sterile High Five, Air Five, Inflatable Five, Fist Five, Euphemism Five, Breast-Stroke Five, Hot Belly Sex Five, Make-it-Stop Five, Cyber Five, Duct Tape Five, Let's Get Our Last Day On Five, Five Up High For Cherry Pie, Something Might be Wrong Five, Weenie Roast Five, Mind Five, Sterile Five, Skeptical Air Five, and In Trouble Five.
Borat has also done his job to bring the five back from relative obscurity, proving that inopportune moments are perfect for slapping palms.
So if I see you at a party, get ready for a high five. Because whether you just got rejected, hooked up with a "Sunday Morning Facebook Photo" kind of girl, or just bagged a 7 (Claremont Scale equivalent of a 10), I will slap your hand. It may be a soft one, imparting a notion of remorse, or it may be such a high five that you have to ice your palm for the next two days. But no matter how red your hand may be, just remember that the only things more American than a high five are the bacon cheeseburger and Columbus Day.
Oh, and Naomi also asked me to add two fun facts about the state of Georgia. One of which had something to do with the 5th most police brutality, but I really don't remember exactly. You'll understand why when I tell you that the second factoid is that oral sex is illegal in the Peach State. So allow me to recap. General George T. Sherman salted the land and took away the ground's fertility. Ted Turner took away the state's credibility. And now the legislation has taken away the right to mouthification. Just another reason why if I was from Georgia, I would ice myself.
Comments