So, in its entirety, is my entry. It started out as an epic poem, turned into a power ballad, and is now just some sort of Seussian work.
I would also like to add that none of this is based on my own personal experiences. I may have a thorough knowledge of people's lives, but I would never resort to what follows.
Facebook Stalker
By Max Davison
Hey there, do you also think this party’s lame?
I can’t stand watching the same old Beirut game.
I really wish there was something more to do
Maybe if they had a tournament for Taboo?
No fooling! It’s my favorite board game, too! I suppose
The toughest word I ever got was “Axl Rose”
Luckily my teammate’s favorite song is “Paradise City”
The two of us had great chemistry, like Levin and Kitty
Anna Karenina’s your favorite book? What are the odds!
And I read it before Oprah told us it was the novel of the gods.
I was never a big fan of Thursday night book clubs
I’d rather stay in and watch the new episode of “Scrubs.”
I’m glad that I’m making you laugh, and I’m not even trying
Because you either get busy living or get busy dying.
What movie is that from? I’m drawing a blank.
You’re telling me it’s your favorite movie: Shawshank?
So you like Morgan Freeman, Zach Braff and Tolstoy
Let me take a random guess and say you also enjoy
The taste of Coke opposed to Pepsi or Sprite.
And if you don’t mind me saying, this is your lucky night
Because there’s something that I really want you to know
I’m aware of your favorite movies, music and TV show
I know everything in the world that you need
I see it updated daily on your News Feed
I check your profile daily, admiring your status
You’re too good to be true, and that’s hardly a shocker
I’ve wanted to say Hi for awhile, so how do you do?
Pleasure to meet you; I’m your humble Facebook stalker.
That fake marriage of yours threw me off for a while
But your deceptive nature just continued to beguile
I know you have a heart, so I forgive you if you lied
Since you immediately joined a RIP group after Steve Irwin died.
Our political views are both liberal so there will be no drama
And we’re both part of “A Million Strong for Barack Obama.”
Whenever I’m bored, I check out your groups and I scan.
Congrats on joining a couple to donate a dollar to Sudan
It seems like you care about poverty in Africa
Bono’s probably your favorite rocker
No, I’m not a telepath reading your mind
I’m just your modest Facebook stalker
I saw that your friend count just hit three hundred
You’re popular, but not to the extent that I dread
Because I don’t want you to be an ostentatious girl
Who grabs a different guy each weekend for a whirl.
Saw there were some great photos of you from the beach
That purple bikini really shows off your knockers
If you post more shots of you looking like that
You’ll have an army of Facebook stalkers
Why are you walking away? I’m the guy who fits you best
So tomorrow, please don’t reject my friend request!
We’d be perfect together; you’ve got nothing to lose!
We both respect Radiohead and a woman’s right to choose!
Please don’t tell your friends that I’m some kind of shmoe
Especially not your hot friend you met freshman year on W.O.A.
You’re taking out your phone. Are you giving your number to me?
Oh. You’re threatening to call campus security.
I guess that destiny hates me. Our love is not fate.
Cause if it were, we’d be sexiling my roommate
But that’s not going to happen; I struck out on my first pitch
I guess there’s no Facebook category to indicate you’re a bitch.
You say you’re looking for a relationship. Obviously not true.
So it’s hardly my fault. God was I wrong about you!
I know it’s not me, because I’m such a sweet talker.
Fine! Walk away! You’ll never find a more courteous Facebook stalker!
Go with Christ
-MGD
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