Skip to main content

27 September 2007 - The One Where Max Channels his inner Bob Dole

The Phil Spector (no relation to Regina) trial reached a verdict today...and it looks like we've got a mistrial! But on the bright side, we've also got a hung jury. Hit it!


I've come a little bit set in my ways. After bungy jumping and all the assorted insanity you'd expect from someone with a death wish, life just seems a little bit dull.
So, I've decided to only speak in the third person from now on.
All of my heroes in life do it. Rickey Henderson. Bob Dole. God. Denny Crane. The Rock. Julius Caesar. Steve Holt. Barry Gibb. Duffman. Disco Stu. Homie the Clown. The Jimmy. And they've turned out okay. These are great men and being in their company would be a big step up for me. I picture myself standing on a balcony, standing before the Roman assembly, proclaiming "MAX WILL SAVE YOU FROM YOUR PLIGHT!" as I triumphantly exit as the huddled masses chant my name.

It will also further my existential crisis about whether or not I see myself through a purely objective lens. It's highly possible that we, as human beings, have a fundamentally flawed perspective of ourselves and when we turn our gaze inward, we do not see what the rest of the world does. There is a disconnect between the first and third person views of our lives. And through this experiment, I will hopefully merge the two and (as Leopold Bloom said) see ourselves as others do.

Or maybe Max just feels like being pretentious and figures that "Can you hand Max that jar of Nutella" is a great ice breaker.




P.S. After watching the premiere of House, I have one request: If I am ever in a situation where I'm in a coma or can't speak, the first thing that anyone should do is to teach me Morse Code so that I can communicate through blinking. Otherwise, it'll be tough for me to randomly guess the proper Morse for "Teach me Morse Code already you jackass."


-MGD
Max Davison is a junior at Claremont McKenna College, pursuing a dual major in Literature and Film Studies. He is the son of a son of a sailor and he recently went out on the sea for adventure. He expanded the view of the captain and crew like a man just released from endenture.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Quiz - Tyler Durden or My Father at Thanksgiving Dinner?

Who said it: Tyler Durden or My Father at Thanksgiving Dinner? 1) How’s that working out for you?  Being clever? 2) Isn’t it time you realized your full potential and became a real man? 3) Get married.  Buy a house.  Start a family.  This is what you've always wanted, right? 4) Meanwhile you’re wasting your time, writing your little satirical pieces instead of contributing to society. 5) Do you have any idea how much we spent on your MFA? 6) Oh what’s that?  You’re not doing it for the money?  Just for “the exposure?”  That’s the same excuse you used on improv classes! 7) Yes, I’m aware that the world needs artists now more than ever, but that doesn’t prevent you from working as a copywriter to subsidize your “art.” 8) Yes, I’ve read the examples you’ve sent.  Those “Who said it?” quizzes. 9) Even your mother felt they were too cute by half. 10) No, Valerie,  That wasn't meant as an insult.  I'm sorry you took it that way.  Can...

David Foster Wallace Writes CVS Receipts

CVS PHARMACY - Transaction #3187420 CVS Nasal Decongestant 1  - $17.89 Starbucks 2  Doubleshot Vanilla - $2.77 Gillette shaving cream - $7.99 3 2x Right Guard deodorant 4   - $5.49 Advil 60 ct 5 - $4.69 Neutrogena facial cleanser 6 - $5.99 Total: $44.82 Cash 7 transaction - Paid $50.00 Change: $5.18 Trip summary - Today you saved: 18% Thank you 8 ! ********** 1. Allergies had been a constant issue for Hal ever since a family trip to Puget Sound twenty years ago prompted his esophagus to close up.   Ear, nose and throat issues had always plagued his family, with the exception of his sister Brenda, the golden child who never suffered agonizing sneezing fits; she of the preternaturally infectious energy normally reserved for golden retriever puppies or Roger Federer in the fifth set at Wimbledon. Hal’s deviated septum led to chronic sinusitis and a perpetual need for antihistamines.   Today he was opting for the store br...

1 October 2007 - The One Where Max Lives like he was dying

Now this might sound like a slightly melodramatic overexaggeration, but over this past weekend, I faced a crossroads that changed the structure of my entire being and put me on a completely different path. If you're still reading, I applaud you and ask you to bare with me. Basically, I had a choice: One option meant that I would stay in Auckland and work on my 1500 word " Singin' in the Rain " paper as well as my upcoming in-class essay on Paul Gauguin. The other involved a weekend long trip that would put me in mortal danger and annihilate the balance of my checking account. So the choice was obvious. And I? I took the road less traveled by and decided to drive down to Lake Taupo on Friday afternoon and put off my papers until...well...right now (and I suppose this blog gives me yet another outlet for procrastination). So what was this mystery trip? I was going to wake up on Saturday morning and put my pants on one leg at a time. But once my pants were on, I wa...