Superman has kryptonite. Mike Tyson has Buster Douglas. Vince Young has grammar. We all have our weaknesses. But mine is a little bit more embarassing than any of the aforementioned (apart from VY's hatred of the present tense): dumb romantic comedies.
Yes, it's not something that I like to admit and it's a vice probably better suited for the Probie or Sean Garrity, but I just like to sit down for an hour and a half, turn my brain off and watch two people fall in love. And apart from the Hanks/Ryan classics (which were ruined for me after Meg ditched Dennis Quaid for Cinderella Man), there is one thread that links all of my favorites:
Hugh Grant.
I mean, just look at the guy. When he's not getting arrested for picking up hookers on Sunset (here's a better shot of the man), he's the epitome of the 90 minute romance. He's got "endearingly befuddled" down to an art form, he's also got perfect comedic timing and if you've ever seen him interviewed on Conan or Leno, you realize that he's the sort of guy you want as your drinking buddy.
But this evening, while enjoying a double scoop of Hokey Pokey and Macchiato gelato and discussing the finer points of "Notting Hill," I came to a striking conclusion on which I will probably write my senior thesis:
In all of his movies, Hugh Grant always ends up with a girl who is hardly a prize.
What exactly do I mean by this? When the curtain falls, he never finds the perfect Ms. Right. It's always a flawed, neurotic woman who is hardly deserving of Hugh Grant.
You need more evidence? Well let's break it down.
1) Four Weddings and a Funeral - Andie MacDowell. Sure she's adorably Southern and looks great in L'Oreal products, but in 'Four Weddings,' she was flighty, didn't want to get married, and slept around far too much to be desirable.
2) Nine Months - A very pregnant, very hormonal Julianne Moore. Ok, not so bad. But they weren't even married and they had a kid together. Why don't public schools teach abstinence anymore?
3) Notting Hill - Yes, he hooks up with America's sweetheart, Julia Roberts. But remember, in the movie she was a frankly obnoxious movie star who was cheating on her husband, Arec Bardwin. That's enough to say "Pass."
4) Mickey Blue Eyes - Jeanne Tripplehorn. And her father's a mafia don. Next.
5) Bridget Jones 1 & 2 - Oh my lord. Even though Colin Firth bites the bullet in the end, Hugh was this close to dating Renee Zellweger: the anti-erection. She's like King Midas in that everything she touches turns flacid. And this was the zaftig, Rubenesque Zellweger who was supposed to be more Britishy. You dodged a big one there, buddy.
6) About a Boy - Rachel Wveiszzz or however the hell you spell it. Like Julianne Moore, definitely a catch. But she also had a son who was the most obnoxious kid on the earth. I mean, this kid was more ill-behaved than Arthur Spooner on a sugar high.
7) Two Weeks Notice - Sandra Bullock, who thanks to makeup looks like a derelict vagrant who should be pickpocketing watches for Fagin. And she was an environmentalist lawyer. Gag.
8) Love Actually - He's the freaking Prime Minister and he settles for a pudgy, foul mouthed, British version of Monica Lewinski. JFK dates Marilyn and the PM is a chubby chaser.
9) Music and Lyrics - Drew Barrymore plays a neurotic lyricist with commitment issues. Meh. Could do worse.
So out of these nine movies, I'll give him a score of 3 and a half. That's a failing grade in any class, and this is Hugh Grant we're talking about. This man is supposed to walk into a bar, snap his fingers like the Fonz and end up with a Giselle on each arm. And these are the MOVIES we're talking about. They're supposed to have happy endings. Sure, these women are happy since they end up with Hugh Grant, but what about him? He ends up being Shallow Hal for no apparent reason.
So what does this say for us normal men? Subtract three from your typical scale and you might just end up relatively, Prozac-ily content.
Death to the infidels,
MGD
Yes, it's not something that I like to admit and it's a vice probably better suited for the Probie or Sean Garrity, but I just like to sit down for an hour and a half, turn my brain off and watch two people fall in love. And apart from the Hanks/Ryan classics (which were ruined for me after Meg ditched Dennis Quaid for Cinderella Man), there is one thread that links all of my favorites:
I mean, just look at the guy. When he's not getting arrested for picking up hookers on Sunset (here's a better shot of the man), he's the epitome of the 90 minute romance. He's got "endearingly befuddled" down to an art form, he's also got perfect comedic timing and if you've ever seen him interviewed on Conan or Leno, you realize that he's the sort of guy you want as your drinking buddy.
But this evening, while enjoying a double scoop of Hokey Pokey and Macchiato gelato and discussing the finer points of "Notting Hill," I came to a striking conclusion on which I will probably write my senior thesis:
In all of his movies, Hugh Grant always ends up with a girl who is hardly a prize.
What exactly do I mean by this? When the curtain falls, he never finds the perfect Ms. Right. It's always a flawed, neurotic woman who is hardly deserving of Hugh Grant.
You need more evidence? Well let's break it down.
1) Four Weddings and a Funeral - Andie MacDowell. Sure she's adorably Southern and looks great in L'Oreal products, but in 'Four Weddings,' she was flighty, didn't want to get married, and slept around far too much to be desirable.
2) Nine Months - A very pregnant, very hormonal Julianne Moore. Ok, not so bad. But they weren't even married and they had a kid together. Why don't public schools teach abstinence anymore?
3) Notting Hill - Yes, he hooks up with America's sweetheart, Julia Roberts. But remember, in the movie she was a frankly obnoxious movie star who was cheating on her husband, Arec Bardwin. That's enough to say "Pass."
4) Mickey Blue Eyes - Jeanne Tripplehorn. And her father's a mafia don. Next.
5) Bridget Jones 1 & 2 - Oh my lord. Even though Colin Firth bites the bullet in the end, Hugh was this close to dating Renee Zellweger: the anti-erection. She's like King Midas in that everything she touches turns flacid. And this was the zaftig, Rubenesque Zellweger who was supposed to be more Britishy. You dodged a big one there, buddy.
6) About a Boy - Rachel Wveiszzz or however the hell you spell it. Like Julianne Moore, definitely a catch. But she also had a son who was the most obnoxious kid on the earth. I mean, this kid was more ill-behaved than Arthur Spooner on a sugar high.
7) Two Weeks Notice - Sandra Bullock, who thanks to makeup looks like a derelict vagrant who should be pickpocketing watches for Fagin. And she was an environmentalist lawyer. Gag.
8) Love Actually - He's the freaking Prime Minister and he settles for a pudgy, foul mouthed, British version of Monica Lewinski. JFK dates Marilyn and the PM is a chubby chaser.
9) Music and Lyrics - Drew Barrymore plays a neurotic lyricist with commitment issues. Meh. Could do worse.
So out of these nine movies, I'll give him a score of 3 and a half. That's a failing grade in any class, and this is Hugh Grant we're talking about. This man is supposed to walk into a bar, snap his fingers like the Fonz and end up with a Giselle on each arm. And these are the MOVIES we're talking about. They're supposed to have happy endings. Sure, these women are happy since they end up with Hugh Grant, but what about him? He ends up being Shallow Hal for no apparent reason.
So what does this say for us normal men? Subtract three from your typical scale and you might just end up relatively, Prozac-ily content.
Death to the infidels,
MGD
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