3 November 2007 - Speedy Delivery

It has only taken four and a half months, but the weather has finally warmed up in Auckland. Even though I still carry around my umbrella in my backpack (gotta be prepared for flash floods), I can confidently and pragmatically parade down the street in sunglasses and a t-shirt.
But most importantly...for the first time since I've been down here I've been able to wear shorts. Yes, I can finally bust the plum smugglers out of my wardrobe and flaunt my oddly-youthful calves. Yes, it has been far too long since my legs have been allowed to breathe. I've sported my favorite pair of jeans so much over the past semester that I've worn unfortunately placed holes into the back pocket and crotchal regions. So now I get to rotate in my khaki shorts and stop exposing my boxer shorts to anyone walking behind me.

This all ties together with my dream summer job: UPS delivery guy.

I mean, what could possibly be cooler than getting paid to wear shorts to work? What could be cooler? Plus, you get to hand deliver packages to all kinds of interesting people. You've got Christmas presents, gift baskets, drugs hidden in teddy bears.
There's a bit of a stigma about shooting the messenger. But the UPS guy is never a barer of bad news, only big boxes. He's like Santa Claus...only without the borderline breaking and entering and questionable relationship with midgets.
And most importantly, you never know how many lonely, desperate housewives you might find on your route. Yep, if TV has taught me anything, it's that women who look like Eva Longoria are never satisfied with their husbands and are always on the prowl for some skyrockets in flight. Hell, I'd even lower my standards if I had to drop off a package to Felicity Huffman.

So maybe instead of looking for PA work this next break, I should just submit my resume and flawless parking record to the good folks at UPS. Getting paid to wear shorts...what a country!

Death to the infidels,
-MGD

P.S. I've noticed that over the past two days, there has been a 200% increase in hits on my blog. According to the people at statcounter.com attribute this to searching for "Dan Coscino" on google and stumbling upon my post dedicated to freeing Earl Hickey. Well, in hopes that my web traffic continues to hit record highs, I will now be referencing DAN COSCINO in every subsequent post.

Comments

HR's Response to the Always Be Closing Speech

--> Dear Mr. Blake- My office has received numerous complaints in response to Tuesday’s speech to the sales team re: the Glengarry leads. These troubling accusations detail inappropriate conduct such as: verbal abuse, workplace bullying, emasculation, damage to self-esteem and emotional health, and the overall fostering of a hostile and cutthroat work environment, all of which flies in the face of the mission statement and core values of Mitch & Murray Real Estate. You employed inflammatory language and certain epithets that you can’t use anymore (and never should have been able to use, if we’re being honest), leading to a speech that was offensive to a multitude of groups, even those not present in the room (Note to self: We should make a concerted effort to hire at least one woman to our sales staff). In another office, any of these infractions would be grounds for termination. Per our company guidelines, however, we are now consideri...

The man who will NEVER Die

Apologies to everyone who's been bitching about me not updating my blog. Maybe this is indicative of how militant people without blogs are....until they decide to start one and get understandably lazy. Let me put it this way: the grass is not as easy to mow on the other side of the fence. And that was too awful of a metaphor for me to use. Moving on.... Recently, the New York Mets offered a two year deal to this man: Julio Franco I know what you're thinking. "Max, I really don't care about baseball to begin with. Why should a two year contract even interest me? By the way, Max, you're incredibly good looking and your bench press is SOOOOO impressive." Why should this deal excite you? Mr. Julio Franco, who has played first base for the Atlanta Braves over the past 5 seasons, is currently 47 years old. Yes. 47. As in the number after 46. When he fulfills his contractual obligations, he will be a 49 year old professional baseball player. Let me put it to you thi...

8 October 2007 - These All-Blacks sit in the front of the bus

Well the Niners are now 2-3 after dropping a close game (that they never should have be in to begin with) to the Ravens. Normally I'd make some kind of petty excuse about how the team isn't even trying, or the fact that they're still 2-1 against the NFC West, or that in some other parallel world in the multiverse they're 5-0. But not today. Week 5 is different, since both Alex Smith and Vernon Davis are out with injuries. Vernon sprained his knee and Smith is down with a grade 3 shoulder separation. I'm not proud to admit this, but for the first time since Edgar Stiles choked on nerve gas, I cried. I cried like a big, dumb homo. And even though I can't watch the NFL or the World Series (since MLB.tv costs far too much for international clients), I had adopted the New Zealand All-Blacks as my surrogate sports team. And if you haven't seen the haka , click that link immediately 2007 is the year of the Rugby World Cup, and as opposed to the soccer world ...

Max-stravaganza

Search This Blog