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The Pop Princess and the Pill Popper: An Oliver Stone joint

Song stuck in my head for the day: "Read My Mind" - The Killers.

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There was a recent article about how incoming college freshmen grew up in a completely different world than even recent college graduates. Examples include knowing Fergie as a pop singer rather than the Duchess of York, they don't remember the Cold War, and they don't use wristwatches. Trying to add to the list, I figured that when they hear the words "Paul is dead," they think that someone recently died, as opposed to playing the White Album backwards.

In my strange, tangential, wikipedian mindset, this got me thinking about that great conspiracy theory. Honestly, it's worth wasting a few minutes looking into the clues on the cover of Abbey Road or mishearing lyrics to All You Need is Love.

I wondered why our poor, deprived generation didn't have a similar urban legend. Where is our "Who shot JFK?" or "Did man really walk on the moon?" Sure, you have the 9-11 conspiracy theorists, but they're about as coherent as Billy Bibbit reading tongue twisters. Our greatest urban legends are wether or not B. Hussein Obama is a Muslim or if Curt Schilling really hurt his ankle.

Like my other great epiphanies in life, it happened while browsing through the FM dial. Suddenly, it hit me like Buster Douglas, we have our own urban myth. It has been staring us in the face through magazine covers and bad indy rock videos. After much thought and careful deliberation, I have come to the conclusion that Zooey Deschanel and Katy Perry are the same person. The similarities are too glaring too ignore.

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"But Max," you no doubt protest, "they are entirely different people! One is an outrageous pop star with bizarre taste in wigs/men, the other is a droll ice queen who sounds vaguely Nordic on occasion!"

It is exactly these differences that confirm my suspicion and reinforce my theory that these two brunettes have been living a double life for the last five years. This isn't so much an alter ego, not in the sense that Bruce Wayne and Batman have never been seen together (I'm looking at you Tracy Morgan and Andrew Bynum and Bob Baffert and Ric Flair). What I am putting forth is something more devious than we ever could have suspected. I propose that Zooey and Katy could easily switch places and no one would notice, and have been for the past few years.

Remember that movie "Dave?" Hmm. Probably not. Lame script. What about "The Prince Okay. Remember that episode of the Simpsons where Homer impersonated Krusty and was abducted by the mob? EXACTLY. Zooey and Katy have been switching off between the alcoholic Russell Brand lifestyle and that of a hipster trash independent actress who spends most of her money on deleted (not released, underline) Frank Zappa albums. It is the perfect way to find balance between the two extremes. Haven't you ever wanted to be someone else for a day?

In order to complete the illusion, you need to account for the changes in, ahem, lung capacity
This can easily be altered with the use of a pump or a padded bra. Ask any 15 year old girl or transvestite: cup size is easier to fake than interest at a child's piano recital.

Vocal ability shouldn't be an issue since neither can sing. Deschanel speaks in the same, monotone voice. Why? To prevent from breaking into her Katy Perry speech patterns where she is able to turn a single syllable into a sentence (see: sy-llll-la-la-ble).

Ms. Perry and I have a complicated relationship, stemming from her first single (Sidebar: It notes that I have yet another theory regarding her, namely that she and Taio Cruz are in a secret competition to see who can have greater success with dumber lyrics). "I Kissed a Girl" is only redeemable if it led to an increase in lipstick lesbians, and we really don't have the raw data to support that claim. "Hot n' Cold" was there for me when I needed it. Got me through some rough times, not gonna lie. Everything else is pure crap...except for the toe-tappingly addictive Teenage Dream. So she's got a 50/50 success rate, which in a classroom setting is an F but in the MLB puts you in the hall of fame.

The same sort of schizophrenic attitude goes for Zooey Deschanel. She starts out innocent and sweet (see: Elf). Then she marries an emo rocker, suddenly considers herself to be a serious actress, and then she starts playing games with JoGo's emotions, pulling the classic "I warned you not to fall in love with me" card. As you can tell, I am also of the opinion that (500) Days of Summer was, in fact, a documentary. A moody, overwrought documentary with a musical number.

The evidence is there, people. Open your eyes and stop blindly accepting what your government/Entertainment Weekly tells you. Bring me proof that these are two separate entities. I dare you.

Next month's conspiracy theory: Def Jam records has castrated Justin Bieber.

-Max

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