We have met the enemy

"Everybody needs a villain." - Kanye West

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The Expendables is now on DVD (note: use the Amazon link at the bottom of this page to buy the movie, and you'll have bought one kick ass action movie). Stallone has said that he's planning to return to the franchise in coming years. Names that have been thrown around for the next group of action heroes with HGH assisted muscles and guns that never seem to run out of ammo. Rumored names include (in decreasing awesomeness): Dwayne "The Tooth Fairy" Johnson, Jean Claude Van Damme, Kurt Russell, Carl Weathers, Danny Trejo, the Old Spice guy, Steven Seagal, and Brian Bosworth.

But that would be rehashing the original. What Stallone needs to do is up the ante. Make the Expendables 2 into a film that joins The Godfather Part II and Wayne's World 2 as sequels that surpass the original.

What we need is the ultimate team of action movie villains. The Legion of Doom to the Expendables' JLA. A who's who of poorly thought out master plans that involve revealing your scheme before the hero is actually dead. As shown in the first movie, the Expendables were able to take out Stone Cold Steve Austin, Eric Roberts, Gary Daniels, and an entire island of subjugated Hispanic soldiers without enduring a single casualty. If Part Deux is going to truly resonate, you need a villain that can make you believe for a single second that Stallone isn't making it home to tuck his granddaughter in at night.

So without further Apu, here's the Dream Cast for The Expendables 2:

1) Hans Gruber

A bit obvious? Yes. It's like when every five years the AFI lists Citizen Kane as the greatest film of all time...again. But Gruber sets the mold for every villain that has come after him. From the meticulously groomed facial hair to the hard to place accent, Hans became the action movie villain archetype with the first utterance of "McClane." A more pressing issue is that he's dead. What's to say that the Expendables stole Bill and Ted's time machine and rescued Hans right before he died hard? Boom, problem solved.

2) Magneto

He's a terrorist nut-job who is convinced that he is just and right in his cause. If his ideology doesn't make him dangerous, he can also rip the Adamantium out of Wolverine's pores.

3) Agent Smith

Plus, he has the same voice as Megatron.

4) Gary Oldman in Air Force One

He accomplished what every villain in the history of "24" couldn't do: abduct the President.

5) Gary Oldman in "The Professional"

A corrupt cop who doesn't play by anybody's rules, even his own. Is it problematic to have Gary Oldman play two parts in the same movie? Was it a problem for Eddie Murphy to play the entire Klump family?

Hell, let's add Gary Oldman in "True Romance," Gary Oldman as Lee Harvey Oswald, Gary Oldman as Dracula and Gary Oldman as the owner of the worst comb-over since Donald Trump in "The Fifth Element." While we're at it, just give him a Spike TV Boner Award for "Best Actor who could win an Oscar every year if he wanted to, but he opts to play Commissioner Gordon instead." God Bless You, Oldman. May you never feel the need to present at the Independent Spirit Awards.

6) The "Diplomatic Immunity" Guy from Lethal Weapon 2

Solely so that the entire, repeat ENTIRE cast, can utter Danny Glover's most famous line ever. Stallone, Statham, Jet Li, Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren, you name 'em, saying in unison: "It's just been revoked."

7) Biff Tannen

He's a bully. He's a time traveler. He bet on the World Series. He sexually assaulted Marty's mother. If that doesn't qualify him for Expendables duty, what will?

8) Chow Yun-Fat in "A Better Tomorrow"

Because Jet Li has to fight someone.

9) The Undertaker

It is a generally accepted scientific fact that a former professional wrestler needs to be in the Expendables.  Granted, 'Taker has never really been a true villain in the WWF/E (more of a fan favorite bully), but he is technically a zombie from Death Valley who can call down magic lightning,

10) The Cobra Kai dogo

All grown up, ready to be minions/cannon fodder for Terry Crews to mow down.

11) Jon Voight as himself

In recent years, Voight has made his living portraying the right wing villain Jonas Hodges on "24." But considering his political leanings, I doubt that this is really a character. Voight will be the shadowy moneyman behind this crew, rambling on about how his team will finally put an end to Obama-era policies and reestablish the anarchist, Jeffersonian nation that this country was meant to be.

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Honorable mentions go to: Humungus from The Road Warrior, Armand Assante in "Judge Dredd," Marcellus Wallace, Mala Ram from "Temple of Doom," and the T-1000. While all admirable in your levels of chicanery, hooliganism and villainy, you just weren't devious or threatening enough to face Jason Statham one on one in a knife fight.

Imagine: for 112 minutes you'll see the greatest action stars (and Dolph Lundgren) facing off against a Jon Voight financed team of two Gary Oldmen, Hans Gruber, Magneto, and Biff. Easily grosses $150 million in its opening weekend and gets Expendables 3 greenlighted. And as for the third part of the trilogy? Enter: Nic Cage and Face/Off technology.