With organic, seasonal ingredients delivered right to your door, Blue Apron is
an easy and fun way for couples to grow closer in the kitchen!
Today, you are preparing Ponzu Glazed Catfish
with Garlic Rice and Blanched Organic Bok Choy. Since this is a team
activity, we have provided two sets of recipes. Work together and it will be done twice as fast!
INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN
Okay. This is it. This is D-Day.
This is where you prove that you have what it takes to keep this
relationship going. She’s always saying that you guys don’t do anything
new. I mean, how many times have you been to that Thai place around the
corner? Too goddam many.
This meal is where you show that you’re
adventurous and spontaneous but also thorough and detail oriented. Blue
Apron will save your relationship! That’s a guarantee. Well, not
officially from the company. But I will help you out, bro!
STEP ONE: CLEAN YOUR FRESH PRODUCE AND DON’T BE A
SLOB
That is exactly what it sounds like. Use
the soap we included and thoroughly rinse the greens. You’re not the type
of guy who haphazardly throws his hands under the faucet and calls it “washing
his hands.” At least, tonight you’re not.
While cleaning the bok choy, mention that you
heard something about “the plight of organic farmers” on the Malcolm Gladwell
podcast. No, not the
podcast. His book. You read about it in Malcolm Gladwell’s new
book.
What the hell is bok choy? What does
“organic” even mean? We don’t know! We just think that it sounds
socially conscious! Run with it.
STEP TWO: STEAM THE RICE AND GIVE HER SPACE
She is going to take care of the rice.
That’s on her list of instructions. So why am I even mentioning this?
Just let her cook the rice. Don’t
lift the lid to check if it’s done. Don’t
look over her shoulder. Trust her. You’re cooking together, but
she’s also independent.
Use this rice time for some playful
banter. To sell that you’re well versed in the language of culinary
greatness, pepper your conversation with the following terms:
“Julianned”
“Aromatics”
“Barefoot Contessa”
“Maltodextrin”
“Sou Vit”
“That hack Alton Brown”
STEP THREE: PAN FRY THE FISH AND BE ATTENTIVE TO HER NEEDS
We’re not dealing with red meat where you can
get away with that bullshit “Oh, but I prefer my meat rare!” excuse. This
is fish. Do not dare serve this underdone.
And don’t rush either, okay? Isn’t she
always saying that you’re either too relaxed or too hurried? Some may see
that being as a man of contradictions, but here, all it means is that you’ll
end up with raw fish, burnt vegetables and an OK Cupid profile to update.
Meanwhile, she’s frying the ginger peanuts
that go on top of the catfish. That's teamwork! You two work great
together! Also, that step has a very high
chance of oil splatter. In case she gets burned, we provided aloe vera in
the packet marked “Extra Scallions.” Say that you started growing some
aloe in your garden. Foresight. Women love that.
Look. I got your back, my man.
Angela, another one of our recipe writers, dumped me a few months ago.
She said that we hit a wall and couldn’t keep up momentum. But you will
not fall into that trap! Learn from my mistakes!
STEP FOUR: BLANCHE THE BOK CHOY AND BE A CAPABLE PROVIDER
I’m assuming that you two took a couples
cooking class a few months ago. Show her that you picked something up
from that night and flaunt your knife skills.
When chopping the bok choy, move the knife
forward and back like you’re shaking hands. Once you’ve got the hang of
that motion, go a bit faster. Maybe even wink at her to show that you are
the master of the kitchen.
Fire and knives. These are the tools
that real men use!
By the by, I slipped in a few flesh colored
band-aids for when you slice your fingers or scald your hand on the
skillet.
STEP FIVE: PLATE THE DISH AND BE OVERWHELMINGLY GENEROUS
We have purposefully only given you enough
food for about one and a half portions. Blue Apron will always leave you
wanting more. If she is hungry, give
her yours. I don’t care if you’re still hungry. Give her
what she wants. Sacrifice to make her happy!
Just follow these instructions and you two
will be closer than ever, ready to move forward. She will see that you’re
confident but also sensitive. You are strong yet pliable. Bend but
don’t break, just like the superfluous bamboo skewers that we included for the
sake of being aesthetically pleasing.
I believe in you! Blue Apron believes in
you! You can do this!
INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN
You’re trying. He’s trying. But
let’s face it: Blue Apron is the last gasp for any relationship. It’s the
Waterloo for those couples who have exhausted all other avenues and are too
tired to truly make an effort. It’s just a band-aid, not unlike the type
he’ll wear for his inevitable macho-chopping-related wounds.
This isn’t a hard recipe. Not
particularly intricate. Cook the catfish for five minutes on one side,
throw in the sauce, then four minutes on the other. Brown some peanuts in
oil. Rough chop the greens and wilt them. And the rest is
rice. We all know how to cook rice.
Best case, it brings you together with the
magic of teamwork. Worst case, it’s edible. Enclosed along with
this recipe is a promo code for 50% your next order, whether you’re alone or
with someone new.
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