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Blue Apron Will Save Your Relationship!

With organic, seasonal ingredients delivered right to your door, Blue Apron is an easy and fun way for couples to grow closer in the kitchen!

Today, you are preparing Ponzu Glazed Catfish with Garlic Rice and Blanched Organic Bok Choy.  Since this is a team activity, we have provided two sets of recipes.  Work together and it will be done twice as fast!

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN

Okay.  This is it.  This is D-Day.  This is where you prove that you have what it takes to keep this relationship going.  She’s always saying that you guys don’t do anything new.  I mean, how many times have you been to that Thai place around the corner?  Too goddam many.

This meal is where you show that you’re adventurous and spontaneous but also thorough and detail oriented.  Blue Apron will save your relationship!  That’s a guarantee.  Well, not officially from the company.  But I will help you out, bro!

STEP ONE: CLEAN YOUR FRESH PRODUCE AND DON’T BE A SLOB

That is exactly what it sounds like.  Use the soap we included and thoroughly rinse the greens.  You’re not the type of guy who haphazardly throws his hands under the faucet and calls it “washing his hands.”  At least, tonight you’re not.

While cleaning the bok choy, mention that you heard something about “the plight of organic farmers” on the Malcolm Gladwell podcast.  No, not the podcast.  His book.  You read about it in Malcolm Gladwell’s new book.

What the hell is bok choy?  What does “organic” even mean?  We don’t know!  We just think that it sounds socially conscious!  Run with it.

STEP TWO: STEAM THE RICE AND GIVE HER SPACE

She is going to take care of the rice.  That’s on her list of instructions.  So why am I even mentioning this?

Just let her cook the rice.  Don’t lift the lid to check if it’s done.  Don’t look over her shoulder.  Trust her.  You’re cooking together, but she’s also independent.

Use this rice time for some playful banter.  To sell that you’re well versed in the language of culinary greatness, pepper your conversation with the following terms:

“Julianned”
“Aromatics”
“Barefoot Contessa”
“Maltodextrin”
“Sou Vit”
“That hack Alton Brown”

STEP THREE: PAN FRY THE FISH AND BE ATTENTIVE TO HER NEEDS

We’re not dealing with red meat where you can get away with that bullshit “Oh, but I prefer my meat rare!” excuse.  This is fish.  Do not dare serve this underdone.

And don’t rush either, okay?  Isn’t she always saying that you’re either too relaxed or too hurried?  Some may see that being as a man of contradictions, but here, all it means is that you’ll end up with raw fish, burnt vegetables and an OK Cupid profile to update.

Meanwhile, she’s frying the ginger peanuts that go on top of the catfish.  That's teamwork!  You two work great together!  Also, that step has a very high chance of oil splatter.  In case she gets burned, we provided aloe vera in the packet marked “Extra Scallions.”  Say that you started growing some aloe in your garden.  Foresight.  Women love that.

Look.  I got your back, my man.  Angela, another one of our recipe writers, dumped me a few months ago.  She said that we hit a wall and couldn’t keep up momentum.  But you will not fall into that trap!  Learn from my mistakes!

STEP FOUR: BLANCHE THE BOK CHOY AND BE A CAPABLE PROVIDER

I’m assuming that you two took a couples cooking class a few months ago.  Show her that you picked something up from that night and flaunt your knife skills. 

When chopping the bok choy, move the knife forward and back like you’re shaking hands.  Once you’ve got the hang of that motion, go a bit faster.  Maybe even wink at her to show that you are the master of the kitchen.  

Fire and knives.  These are the tools that real men use!

By the by, I slipped in a few flesh colored band-aids for when you slice your fingers or scald your hand on the skillet. 

STEP FIVE: PLATE THE DISH AND BE OVERWHELMINGLY GENEROUS

We have purposefully only given you enough food for about one and a half portions.  Blue Apron will always leave you wanting more.  If she is hungry, give her yours.  I don’t care if you’re still hungry.  Give her what she wants.  Sacrifice to make her happy!

Just follow these instructions and you two will be closer than ever, ready to move forward.  She will see that you’re confident but also sensitive.  You are strong yet pliable.  Bend but don’t break, just like the superfluous bamboo skewers that we included for the sake of being aesthetically pleasing.  

I believe in you!  Blue Apron believes in you!  You can do this!  


INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN

You’re trying.  He’s trying.  But let’s face it: Blue Apron is the last gasp for any relationship.  It’s the Waterloo for those couples who have exhausted all other avenues and are too tired to truly make an effort.  It’s just a band-aid, not unlike the type he’ll wear for his inevitable macho-chopping-related wounds.

This isn’t a hard recipe.  Not particularly intricate.  Cook the catfish for five minutes on one side, throw in the sauce, then four minutes on the other.  Brown some peanuts in oil.  Rough chop the greens and wilt them.  And the rest is rice.  We all know how to cook rice.

Best case, it brings you together with the magic of teamwork.  Worst case, it’s edible.  Enclosed along with this recipe is a promo code for 50% your next order, whether you’re alone or with someone new.


-30-






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