Marin County
Coroner’s Office
Name of Deceased: McDowell, Trent
Sex: Male
Age: 31
T.O.D: 9:31pm
Body identified by: The woman the deceased was dating (not
“his girlfriend.” She made this
distinction - see supplementary notes for details)
Autopsy performed by: Randy “Doc Savage” Russell, M.D.
EXTERNAL EXAMINATION:
The autopsy began at 11:30PM on February 14th. The victim was wearing a Brooks
Brothers blazer over an Oakland Raiders t-shirt. Upon removal of the deceased’s clothes, I detected an odor of
Tom Ford Noir cologne, applied liberally.
Calluses on hands are consistent with lifting free weights
and not actual manual labor.
Judging by the proportional strength of quadriceps and gluteus maximus
muscles, the deceased rarely skipped leg day.
Victim has two tattoos. One of the Greek letters “Sigma Chi” across right biceps. On the left anterior deltoid, the
second tattoo reads: “Blood, Sweat and Respect. The first two you give, the last one you earn.” -Dwayne
Johnson.
Right ear lobe demonstrates that it was once pierced, but was
allowed to close back up.
Abrasions on knuckles and trace amounts of stucco indicate
the deceased had recently punched a wall,
that being the only way he knew to demonstrate anger.
EVIDENCE COLLECTED:
1) The victim’s cell phone. Recent texts between the deceased and his father
read: “Good.” “Sure.” and “You too.” Recent Google searches included: “How
do I change a tire” and “How to tie a double Windsor knot”
2) One (1) ticket stub for the new X-Men movie (research
shows that the same theater was also screening Moonlight and Lion)
3) Forty-five (45) new business cards with job title “Advertising
Exec at Hal Riney & Partners” (Silian
Rail font)
TOXICOLOGY REPORT:
The following was found in the deceased’s system: Ballast
Point IPA, creatine, small batch
bourbon, insecurity, medium-rare red meat, ill-advised adoration of Norman
Mailer, Bulletproof coffee, self-loathing.
INTERNAL EXAMINATION:
Opening up the deceased, it quickly became clear what we
were dealing with.
ENDOCRINE SYSTEM - The Pituitary gland secreted almost
exclusively testosterone, which had metastasized (some more cutesy M.E.’s have christened
it “metasterone,” but I will forego that silliness) spreading to all parts of
the body, invading glands and replacing other hormones.
CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM - The Occipital Lobe of the brain,
which controls sensitivity, was underused to the point of atrophy. Disrupted neural pathways led to a delayed response to affection and a
resulting build up of unresolved emotions and malignant bile.
The frontal, lizard brain portion of the cerebellum (known
also as the “Hemingway quadrant”), which controls male competition, was disproportionally
enlarged. This bloated region began
to weaken the abutting Language Center, rendering it incapable of speaking or
processing the words “I love you.”
GASTROINTESTINAL TRACT- Numerous stress-induced ulcers in the
deceased’s stomach lining. The
pain receptors had mutated, however, to misinterpret the aching as being a
beneficial sign of virility.
SUPPLEMENTARY
INTERVIEW:
The woman who brought the body the hospital said that the deceased refused to define their
relationship. They were “keeping
it casual,” despite the fact that they were clearly compatible. She added that the deceased had a
competitive streak at sexual intercourse, often furious at himself for not
bringing her to climax.
FINAL OPINION/REMARKS:
My observations of the deceased’s symptoms all point to one
conclusion: the cause of death was
Toxic Masculinity, self-inflicted.
It is my opinion that the fatal event occurred as follows:
While out at the movies with his girlfriend the girl
he was seeing, a traumatic event forced the deceased to confront his perceived
insecurities. Presumably it
stemmed from a pathological inability to admit that Michael Fassbender is an
attractive man. Most likely, the deceased was
adamant that he “just doesn’t see men in that way so why are you even asking
me?”
Competing nerve impulses sent contradictory signals to the
brain, which led to his punching a wall.
The brain did not know how to properly process either pain or emotion,
causing yet another spike of adrenaline that choked and poisoned the central
nervous system, sending the body into shock. The hormonal stress response was to inject more toxic
testosterone into the body in an attempt to play through the pain.
These toxins would normally be disposed of by the liver, but
it was working double time to process the bourbon, IPA, and residual pent-up
desperation. The victim’s organs
could not sustain that level of masculinity for that long, shutting down, proving
fatal.
While the death was self-inflicted, part of the blame could
be placed on society for not wiping out this public health epidemic with the requisite
therapy, antibiotics and support of the NFL concussion protocol. The deceased left the condition
untreated for years, however, hence the self-inflicted designation.
As of late, this office has seen many instances of this
condition. Far too
many. Even one is one too
many. Makes me sad to see another
case of toxic masculinity claim another life. No. Wait. Scratch that. My professional capacity doesn’t allow me to be sad. I am angry. And that anger reaffirms my stoic resolve that we will one
day find a cure. Yes. That is the proper response.
-30-
*****
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