CVS PHARMACY - Transaction #3187420
CVS Nasal Decongestant1 - $17.89
Starbucks2 Doubleshot Vanilla - $2.77
Gillette shaving cream - $7.993
2x Right Guard deodorant4 - $5.49
Advil 60 ct5 - $4.69
Neutrogena facial cleanser6 - $5.99
Total: $44.82
Cash7 transaction - Paid $50.00
Change: $5.18
Trip summary - Today you saved: 18%
Thank you8!
**********
1. Allergies had been a constant issue for Hal ever since
a family trip to Puget Sound twenty years ago prompted his esophagus to close
up. Ear, nose and throat issues
had always plagued his family, with the exception of his sister Brenda, the golden
child who never suffered agonizing sneezing fits; she of the preternaturally
infectious energy normally reserved for golden retriever puppies or Roger
Federer in the fifth set at Wimbledon.
Hal’s deviated septum led to chronic sinusitis and a
perpetual need for antihistamines.
Today he was opting for the store branda rather than Nasacort after
his insurance plan cut back on prescription drug coverage. His next purchase of CVS Fluticasone
Propionateb nasal spray would enjoy a $3 discount if he used his Extracare
card.
1a. The venture capital firm of Kravis Kohlberg and
Roberts performed hyper-meticulous amounts of due diligence before an attempted
hostile takeover of Walgreen’s and determined the specific metric of discounts
needed in order to sway consumers to purchase the generic brand.
1b. The active corticosteroid ingredient in Flonase.
2. Long, seemingly endless, Sisyphean days at the office
have resulted in Hal’s increased need for productivity (and a proportional
feeling of isolation). Hal knew
that the amount of stimulants could be detrimental to his heart health, but his
need for alertness outweighed that fear.
While he did hate himself for imbibing such large quantities
of caffeine, coffee was a known antioxidant (much in the same way that red wine
can be written off as “somewhat healthier than other types of alcohol”), so he
would often opt for the Starbucks energy drink rather than any of the multitudinous
varieties of Rockstar or Monster or any beverage whose name denoted an obscene
amount of vitality. $1 off a $4
energy drink purchase would help feed Hal’s habit (coffee and multipacks
excluded).
3. The Gillette Corporation began the nuclear arms race
of razor blade proliferation in 1998 with the innovation of the Mach3 razor,
the first disposable unit with three blades. Some saw this as a struggle against inevitability, as a
three bladed razor would beget a four, which would beget a five and so on and
so forth. At which point do we as a
society come to the collective conclusion that our razor blades are of a
sufficient number and we don’t need to continue this escalation? Or is the promise of another, better
blade going to keep us perpetually holding out for a closer shave?
4. Tennis had become a part of Hal’s fitness routine (partly
due to Nicole, who played doubles opposite their court every Sunday morning). Hal sprained his ankle the previous
week, but he played through the injury, reinforcing that inherently Western
belief that only through an act of extreme intensity can we propel ourselves
into a state of actualization.
5. [Excerpts from a recent phone conversation between Hal
and his mother]:
MOM: I read an article about what too much Advil can do your
kidneys.
HAL: I just take a few before and after tennis. It’s not like I’m addicted to
ibuprofen.
MOM: The bottle says you should take two, but the recommended
dosage is much higher than you need.
HAL: No. That’s
why it’s recommended.
MOM: Your father was on Bayer after his heart attack and you
saw how that--
HAL: It’s not addictive
MOM: Did you watch 60 Minutes? Because that good looking anchor said not to trust
pharmaceutical companies.
HAL: Anderson Cooper?
MOM: No. The
other onea.
HAL: He’s the one you’re thinking of.
MOM: And don’t be rude to me! Your sister never demeans me.
HAL: Mom, I need to hang up.
5a. She was, in fact, thinking of Anderson Cooper.
6. It had been five months since he and Grace had their
allegedly mutual breakup, meaning that it was time for Hal to start dating
again - at least, he had begun that romantic process by installing the app
“Mutual Friendza.” While a date
was not imminent, Hal felt that it was important to be blemish free in case he
should ever go out with a woman.
And after he spent another $27.48 on beauty supplies, he would earn $5
in ExtraBucks rewards.
6a. Named so it would sound less depressing and lonely when
people asked how you and your chosen romantic partner happened to first meet.
7. When he was 15, Hal’s father instilled upon him the
importance of not charging when you had the cash in hand. He wrote a check for their family
sedan, even though interest rates were low during the Clinton years. Hal’s decision to pay with cash and not
his Chase card was rooted in financial responsibility and had nothing to do, he
emphasized, with his sister’s job at a large consulting firm that handles
credit card companies as clients.
8. Even CVS began to wonder whether or not these elongated
receipts were doing any good. This
did not solely apply to the pros and cons of spending X number of dollars on
advertising and mailers for every Y number of revenue dollars brought in. No, CVS’s fears ran deeper than
that. It was about whether this
long, Kubrickian hallway of a receipt and the equally long time spent waiting
for it to print were annoying their clientele far beyond the value of the
coupons and ExtraBucks.
How much will we, as customers, put up with in order to
potentially save a few dollars and receive some marginal utility? How long and how hard is CVS going to
work before they realize that all the effort and ink is merely transforming
into something readily discarded and frequently maligned and more often skimmed
than ever read?
We already struggle enough in our non-shopping hours with
exercise, a job, a relationship, deadlines and commitments; and now a store
that prides itself on convenience is exacerbating that feeling of hopelessness
and anti-climax.
So who, if anyone, truly benefits from CVS’s Gordian Knot of
manipulative pseudo-targeted advertising? It is certainly not the environment, and I have yet
to even mention the ecological impact of the paper receipts that will presumably
wind up in a landfill and continue to decay long after the coupons for a dollar
off Tic Tacs have expired.
Reusable microfiber towels will be on sale 2-for-1 until May
23.
-30-
Comments