Kickstarter Project Update #37 - Our 3D printed water bottles and our co-founder are being held hostage by pirates

Dear Backers/fellow dream chasers,

Fourteen months ago, you proudly declared that not only did you want a BPA-free water bottle with a custom-printed conforming grip, but you also agreed with the core message and vision of H20DNA.  Part of that mission statement includes being upfront about our delivery timeline.  The good news is that we have finally manufactured every single bottle and they are truly amazing.  There is, however, one minor, fairly negligible hiccup.  Nicaraguan pirates have abducted the completed shipment of bottles as well as our co-founder, Eric Steen-Owens.

But do not worry.  Start-up culture means always following through, and just as you didn’t quit when we challenged you to hit the stretch goals of a fanny pack attachment and CamelBak adaptor straw, we will not stop until those bottles (and Eric) are delivered to your door and the US consulate, respectively.

-For those of you who pledged up to $35 dollars, you should have already received your personalized thank you post card. 

-For the $55 tier, your name has been written on our company wall in beautiful graffiti, forever reminding us of your commitment and reaffirming our own.

-For backers of $85 or more, all I can offer is a request for continued patience as we attempt to deliver your one (1) bottle.  Hopefully you have already used our app to take a 3D scan of your grip.  Sadly, Eric will have to repeat that process as the pirates sent two of his fingers to us as proof of life.  Thankfully, our proprietary software only takes 90 seconds to perfectly model your hand’s unique contours, so this will barely even qualify as an inconvenience. 

Please know that we understand and share your frustration.  We cannot wait to share these bottles, our culture, and our hope for a better tomorrow with you.  From what Eric told me before his cell phone cut out, these bottles are entirely worth the extra eight months of R&D.  And let’s face it: you don’t want a refund.  You want a once in a lifetime bottle that is just as unique as you are.

As you might remember from previous updates, this is not the first small, unforeseeable, trivial, not-in-the-least-bit-our-fault snag in the production process.  We have dealt with leaky polymers, plastics that may or may not have been toxic, a co-packer that was “sweat shop adjacent,” coders who jumped ship and shortly thereafter another company beat us to market with a similar (if aggressively second rate) product, followed by baseless allegations of intellectual property theft, and then another round of leaky prototypes.  And if those setbacks didn’t stop us, neither will a minor kidnapping and a nitpicky dispute with the Department of Justice over the legal definition of the phrase “international jurisdiction.”

Some (including our cowardly former co-founders) have told us, “It’s just a water bottle.  Move on and start doing something important with your lives.”  Well this isn’t “just” a water bottle, Amanda.  The way our bottles are designed and manufactured is completely new. We are changing the way that millions, possibly billions, will consume the most important nutrient in the galaxy.  Haters gonna hate.  Innovators gonna innovate.

Did Elon Musk quit?  Did the MySpace guy quit?  Did Elizabeth Holmes?  Did we quit even after all five Sharks were out on the deal and Mark Cuban told us that we only had a niche product and valuing ourselves at $3 million was an absurdity that only Millennial lobotomy patients would consider to be reasonable?

No.  We.  Did.  Not.

Despite what some visionless hacks may have implied, our persistent dedication to these bottles isn’t solely driven by a need to validate our idiocy and avoid having to admit that we were unprepared and underfunded and lacked the necessary production capacity or knowledge of how to manufacture or distribute a product.  Hardly.  And those accusations only make us want to scale up even faster.  But not out of spite.  Of course not.

We are doing this because we believe in this product.  Our faith in H2ODNA’s mission fuels us.  It motivates us.  It is what sent Eric to Central America for quality assurance and it is what is continuing to keep him alive as he is ironically very, very dehydrated.  But to quote Cameron Winklevoss, “There is no such thing as a problem; only an opportunity.”

Heck, maybe we could pivot and found another company that connects hostages’ families to third party rescue teams, providing liquidity to a marketplace that the Geneva Convention doesn’t cover.  But before building that billion dollar idea, first things first.  Let’s deliver your bottle.

So in the interest of continuing to be as transparent as the proprietary non-toxic plastic we now use, here is our updated timeline:  In the coming weeks, we will be launching a GoFundMe for the ransom money.  After hitting that goal, we will find an independent defense contractor who is able to facilitate an easy release of your bottles (and Eric).  After moving the shipment through customs, we will execute one final stress test (of both the bottles and Eric’s reattached digits).  Pending approval, those bottles will finally be in your hands in no less than another twelve and a half weeks. 

My mind goes back to the final minutes of the Kickstarter campaign when we still hadn’t hit our goal.  Some of us felt this was a sign.  We could take a mulligan and spare ourselves the embarrassment of having to cobble together a cohesive business plan and fulfill all those orders. 

But you know who thinks like that?  Cowardly WANT-repreneurs like my childhood best friends who don’t have the enterprising genes to cut it in Web 3.0.  And just as how my own pledge put us over the top that night, I will continue to singlehandedly persevere and grow the brand of H2ODNA and spread our message.  It’s a message that I’m sure Eric agrees with: Never say die.

So thank you again for your patience and positivity, and we hope you will support our next Kickstarter campaign for “CaptIV,” our hostage negotiation app that connects victims of kidnapping with non-governmental ransom experts operating outside the realm of the International Court of Justice.

Yours,

Casey McCarthy-Ward

Acting sole founder/Teamwork Coordinator

#H2ODNA

#HYDRATIONNATION

#FREEOURFOUNDER