Max-stravaganza

As most old adults know, the easiest way to grab Hollywood's attention is to write a great Young Adult franchise.  Studios are looking for any property that they can spin into the next Twilight or Hunger Games, and preferably one where they don't have to pay for the rights. This means that the Public Domain is a new source of original inspiration.  Practically any text can be converted into a YA love story.  See: Alice in Wonderland, Snow White and the Huntsman, Red Riding Hood, Once Upon a Time, and Beauty and the Beast on The CW.  There are competing Peter Pan projects  in the pipeline as well as Kenneth Branagh's upcoming Cinderella reboot for Disney. Elements needed: A teenage female protagonist who spends a good portion of the novel writing in her diary (providing ultra-angsty exposition) A distant, emo love interest (preferably sparkling) Strange, guttural, borderline Seussian gibberish names like Haymitch Abernathy or Tris Prior A love tria...

NOTE: This was originally intended for Trop's "Worst Graduation Speech" competition.  I did not realize, however, that their midnight deadline was Eastern time.  So when I submitted my entry at 10pm, I was time zone cock blocked (TZCB).  Despite my brave attempts  to argue that procrastinating until the last minute encapsulates the true spirit of college, I was shot down by a woman via e-mail (bringing back even more college memories). So here is the speech in its entirety.  Being modest, I assume it would have won at least second prize. ****** May 7, 2013 Dear fellow soon-to-be graduates of the Class of 2013, Wikipedia defines Crossroads as “a 2002 comedy/drama starring Britney Spears.”  And that is exactly where we are right now.  Today marks a fork in the crossroads of our lives.  During the first semester of sophomore year, I enrolled in "Intro to American Poetry."  Pointless class.  Dropped it after two ...

Do you like Christian Bale? He’s been a recognizable face ever since the seminal 1992 musical "Newsies."  But when "Batman Begins" came out in 2003, that’s when he really came into his own as both an action hero and an actor. “The Dark Knight” is the most moving Hollywood blockbuster of all-time.  Great, great film.  It was such a pulse-pounding thrill ride that I almost missed its deep, intellectual rumination about chaos and order, authenticity versus artifice, identity and a lack of selfhood.  It’s a sequel that deepens and enhances the thematic significance of the first film.  And it is beautifully stated in Bale's performance. Bale has a way of reinventing himself that is almost Bowie-esque.  The man dropped 75 pounds for The Machinst before putting the weight back on for Batman.  His ability to switch from genre to genre is unparalleled. Yes, he infamously screamed at a crew member on the set of "Terminator: Salvation."  ...

Season three of Downton Abbey  (or "Series Three" as BBCphiles refer to it) proved that Julian Fellowes is walking the path of least resistance.  The plotlines were engaging, but with the exception of the occasional death, the resolutions were far too simple, sacrificing any potentially profound moments of dread and doubt in order to maintain the understated Colin Firthiness of the status quo. At the first hint of conflict, characters will worry, demonstrably pace back and forth, make loud declarations about how there is no easy resolution to the problem.  Barring an act of God, Downton will be doomed to financial ruin, scandal, a world war!  There are no simple answers, and we cannot stress that point enough. Just when it seems that Downton is about to get hit by a torrential downpour of change and death and ramifications that will forever alter the landscape...they find a shockingly simple, anti-climactic resolution and continue on.  It's becomin...

While Kevin James' big screen career has focused on the fantastic yet impractical   subjects 1  of mall copping, zookeeping and boom coming, his television credits contain some true insight into modern middle class struggles.  A 2002 episode of The King of Queens offered an accurate, microcosmic and Nostradamic look at America's current debt ceiling/fiscal cliff/sequestration/Bill Maher fingerpointapalooza crisis. In said episode ( S'Poor House from season five), Doug and Carrie learn that their basement is riddled with mold.  It will cost $12,000 to replace the dry rot; a sum that the cash-strapped, lower middle class Heffernans (Doug works as a driver for the privatized and profitable IPS delivery service while Carrie is a secretary) can't possibly afford 2 . At Carrie's insistance, Doug swallows his pride and petitions his father for a loan.  Mr. Heffernan, financially sound in his old age, agrees, but on the one condition that Doug finall...

With sincere apologies to Garrison Keillor: ***** It's been a quiet week in Lake Brobegon, Minnesota, my home town.  Out there on the edge of the prairie, the town has begun its transition into the post-Yule Tide, post-BCS portion of winter.  Now that the distraction of religious obligation and bowl games is past us, the Bros can wholly focus their attention on raging hard.  Dudes band together in the winter, their hearts full of youthful cheer and their CamelBaks full of Canadian malt liquor. Winter is a joyous time in Lake Brobegon, particularly since the word "snow" is so conducive to puns.  Bro-boarding.  Bro White and the Seven Dwarfs.  Stopping by Woods on a Bro-wy Evening.  Icy precipitation is pun efficient and indisputable visual evidence that Bro-bal warming needs to be stopped at any cost, if only for the wordplay. On Sunday afternoon at the Our Lady of Perpetual Methodism church, Pastor Ingqvist gave his annual winter serm...

Prior to Pulp Fiction , John Travolta was stuck in Hollywood purgatory.  After star-making turns in Saturday Night Fever , Grease , and Welcome Back, Kotter 1 , he struggled to find his footing as a dramatic actor.  No matter how many times he insisted that he wanted to be taken seriously, all audiences saw was a chubby guy in his late twenties who would never live up to his potential 2 .  Travolta would find some box-office success in the  Look Who's Talking franchise, which only type-cast him as a *gulp* goofy love interest for *shudder* Kirstie Alley. Then, in 1994, Quentin Tarantino offered John the part of Vincent Vega, a relatable sociopath whose tough guy exterior yet insecure pathos seemed to mirror Travolta's real-world persona.  The first time audiences heard "royale with cheese," Danny Zuko suffered a horrible, mafia-style assassination to the sounds of Ezekiel 25:17.  Travolta received an Academy Award nomination and found...

The Fiscal Cliff.  MLB Free Agency.  Israel/Palestine.  NHL Lockout.  Twilight.  Heisman Trophy finalists.  "Did you enjoy 'Lincoln'?"  Lena Dunham.  These are the issues of our time that we are forced to look at as both a country and as an office break room.  And even though there are correct answers to these questions (Go over the cliff, Hamilton to the Red Sox for three years $55M, Israel, $10,000 for each player is still too little, Johnny Football, Team Edward, well-acted snoozefest, pity party), we are expected to hash them out with decorum and tact.  No matter how many first place ribbons you scored at high school debate tournaments, we could all use a lesson on how to productively discuss without hulking out into a fit of partisan rage.

1) The Stress Bracket It's 11:58am.  Like all respectable pools in this country, there is a hard noon deadline.  Maybe you got caught up in work.  Maybe you forgot that March Madness takes place in the month after February.  Maybe you were too busy playing team sports and hanging out with girls.  But somehow you forgot to fill out your bracket. It's a two minute mad cap dash to the Final Four.  Putting together a bracket last minute as though it's a 3000-word college term paper the night before, word-counting every other hour (my name counts as two, right?), messing with Microsoft Word's margins, and even considering adding in a few charts and graphics despite the fact that the topic is "Discuss the role of the individual in Moby-Dick ." Either way, this person fills out a bracket in less than 90 seconds (the aid of a flipped coin determining any close match ups) and then haphazardly hands it in, not even noticing that the seeds in his final ...