As a registered Republican, I hate freedom of speech. Worst. Idea. Ever. Some people use "helicopter ejection seat" or "submarine screen door" as their go to concept of a misguided concept. As for me, it's all about the First Amendment. I mean, what does religious freedom remotely have to do with the foundation of this nation?
However, as a future screenwriter/waiter, I need the ability to write whatever the hell I want.
My first collegiate run in with censorship came last month as my column for the Claremont Independent was deemed "objectively offensive to specific groups on campus" and it was suggested that I heavily edit a good portion of my article, namely "most of it."
I now present to you the article in its entirety. I allow you to be the judges of whether or not it should have been wrongfully removed from print.
CMC Adopts ‘Survivor’ Model for Diversity
By Max Davison
Claremont, CA - After seeing the commercial success of CBS’s hit reality show “Survivor: Cook Islands,” CMC has decided to split its own student body into racially divided tribes. ‘Survivor’ has always been on the cutting edge of crappy-reality programming, but this season, the producers decided to turn the proverbial amplifier up a notch to 11 and play an encore of ‘Stonehenge.’ Contestants have been broken up into four tribes based entirely on race: Asians, Hispanics, Blacks, and Whites. Insisting that the show is not racist, producers have created challenges that play to each tribe’s strength, such as: algebra, border hopping, car jacking, and spreading democracy to savage parts of the world.
This display of borderline racism has scored CBS a hit program. Last week, ‘Survivor’ scored a 10.1 rating which equates to over 18 million viewers. At this rate, CMC’s admissions office will receive enough applicants to finally appease President Pam Gann. Upon seeing how high Survivor scored in the Nielsen rankings, CMC officials decided to adopt these tactics and create four ethnic tribes. After further deliberation, the transition was made incredibly easier as the college realized that such tribes already exist in the form of the CLSA, OBSA and APAM. The Claremont Republicans, of course, serve as the de facto embassy for white students, while the Democrats insist that race is purely a social construct but hope that this model will account for more affirmative action.
“Our goal is to build a cohesive student body,” said one college official. “And there’s no better way to do that than immediately group freshmen by their ethnic background.” The tribes will eat meals together, party together, plan events together and will never have to cavort with people of different skin colors. Racial pride will be fostered to the point where lunch tables at Collins will stop being a melting pot and start looking like foreign embassies. To quote one CLSA student: “I fail so see the difference.”
The new, improved and segregated CMC will prevent any dangerous exchanges of ideas between students of different races. “Students are not attending CMC to become culturally diverse,” said Dean of Faculty Jeff Huang. “We want to prevent any future unnecessary instants when students may be forced to step outside of their comfort zones.” Indeed this is true. Plenty of black students feel uncomfortable sitting down at a MEChA meeting. And what Caucasian hasn’t walked into a late night, APAM Mix Bowl party in Marks lounge and felt like the only egg white in a bowl full of yolks? All of these situations will be erased with the new model for student life. Because nothing says diversity like when all of your Facebook friends have the same skin color.
When questioned about a potential merger of all the tribes, similar to recent episodes of ‘Survivor,’ Dean Huang scoffed and said “Son, this is a college, not a reality TV show.”
The motto of the Claremont Independent is "Upholding Truth and Excellence at the Claremont Colleges." In their unfair editing of my piece, they're hardly coming close to their point. Don't hate my words, they're the truth. If you want to argue with me, first go into Collins and see the racial borders at the dining halls.
So, if you're so motivated, e-mail the CI at Claremont.Independent@gmail.com and tell them how wrong they were to deprive the Claremont Colleges of my borderline-racist column.
Go With Christ.
However, as a future screenwriter/waiter, I need the ability to write whatever the hell I want.
My first collegiate run in with censorship came last month as my column for the Claremont Independent was deemed "objectively offensive to specific groups on campus" and it was suggested that I heavily edit a good portion of my article, namely "most of it."
I now present to you the article in its entirety. I allow you to be the judges of whether or not it should have been wrongfully removed from print.
CMC Adopts ‘Survivor’ Model for Diversity
By Max Davison
Claremont, CA - After seeing the commercial success of CBS’s hit reality show “Survivor: Cook Islands,” CMC has decided to split its own student body into racially divided tribes. ‘Survivor’ has always been on the cutting edge of crappy-reality programming, but this season, the producers decided to turn the proverbial amplifier up a notch to 11 and play an encore of ‘Stonehenge.’ Contestants have been broken up into four tribes based entirely on race: Asians, Hispanics, Blacks, and Whites. Insisting that the show is not racist, producers have created challenges that play to each tribe’s strength, such as: algebra, border hopping, car jacking, and spreading democracy to savage parts of the world.
This display of borderline racism has scored CBS a hit program. Last week, ‘Survivor’ scored a 10.1 rating which equates to over 18 million viewers. At this rate, CMC’s admissions office will receive enough applicants to finally appease President Pam Gann. Upon seeing how high Survivor scored in the Nielsen rankings, CMC officials decided to adopt these tactics and create four ethnic tribes. After further deliberation, the transition was made incredibly easier as the college realized that such tribes already exist in the form of the CLSA, OBSA and APAM. The Claremont Republicans, of course, serve as the de facto embassy for white students, while the Democrats insist that race is purely a social construct but hope that this model will account for more affirmative action.
“Our goal is to build a cohesive student body,” said one college official. “And there’s no better way to do that than immediately group freshmen by their ethnic background.” The tribes will eat meals together, party together, plan events together and will never have to cavort with people of different skin colors. Racial pride will be fostered to the point where lunch tables at Collins will stop being a melting pot and start looking like foreign embassies. To quote one CLSA student: “I fail so see the difference.”
The new, improved and segregated CMC will prevent any dangerous exchanges of ideas between students of different races. “Students are not attending CMC to become culturally diverse,” said Dean of Faculty Jeff Huang. “We want to prevent any future unnecessary instants when students may be forced to step outside of their comfort zones.” Indeed this is true. Plenty of black students feel uncomfortable sitting down at a MEChA meeting. And what Caucasian hasn’t walked into a late night, APAM Mix Bowl party in Marks lounge and felt like the only egg white in a bowl full of yolks? All of these situations will be erased with the new model for student life. Because nothing says diversity like when all of your Facebook friends have the same skin color.
When questioned about a potential merger of all the tribes, similar to recent episodes of ‘Survivor,’ Dean Huang scoffed and said “Son, this is a college, not a reality TV show.”
The motto of the Claremont Independent is "Upholding Truth and Excellence at the Claremont Colleges." In their unfair editing of my piece, they're hardly coming close to their point. Don't hate my words, they're the truth. If you want to argue with me, first go into Collins and see the racial borders at the dining halls.
So, if you're so motivated, e-mail the CI at Claremont.Independent@gmail.com and tell them how wrong they were to deprive the Claremont Colleges of my borderline-racist column.
Go With Christ.
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