Skip to main content

13 August 2007 - Break up before going Abroad

Okay, there are plenty of things that women can improve upon. I won't get into a long, rambling list (as I normally would) since I'm cramped for time. Instead, I'll just get to the point:
All girls who are going abroad should break up with their boyfriends beforehand.

Too many times (8) have I found an attractive and approachable girl, only to be immediatley crushed by a sentence beginning with the words "My boyfriend."
Girl A: Wow, it looks like your steak is a little rare.
Me: Yeah, real men eat their meat as red as possible,
Girl A: My boyfriend once got food poisoning from eating an undercooked burger.
Or
Girl B: Yeah, Bobby Orr was one hell of a forward.
Me: That's really cool that you know so much about hockey.
Girl B: My boyfriend is our goalie.

Nothing good can ever come from "My boyfriend..." sentences. It's like going up to Superman and saying "I've got this hunk of kryptonite..." Actually, "My boyfriend got trampled in the Running of the Bulls" would work, but I've yet to encounter this one. Pretty much, everything's going well and you feel like you've just been injected with a powerful aphrodesiac made from the pockets of a pocket fox. And then "My boyfriend" hits you like the equivalent of a cold shower and thoughts of Great Aunt Judy's arm fat. It's a cruel illusion to play on a guy. If I listened to Jewel, I might even call it a foolish game (But I have a pair of testicles, so I won't). So now I've got to find a way to filter out the single girls from my radar screen. It's like skipping through all the Christmas music on your iPod when you set it to shuffle.

You see, I was considerate enough to make myself available before heading off to a foreign land. I only expect that girls have the same level of courtesy. You're in a distant country. You shouldn't have a 170lb anchor holding you down back home (Sidebar: if your boyfriend does happen to weight more or less 175lbs, I assure you that I can totally beat his probably-unfaithful ass down). By holding on to this loser, not only are you wasting a fortune in phone bills, but you're depriving yourself of other awesome guys that may come around while abroad. You know, maybe a dry-witted English major with great hair and an appreciation for rare red meat and the old school Boston Bruins?
Dump him right now. Because let's face it: I'm better looking and he's without a doubt cheating on you as we speak.

-MGD


Tobias: You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised a number of couples to explore an open relationship where the couple remains emotionally committed, but free to explore extra-marital encounters.
Lindsay: Well, did it work for those people?
Tobias: No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but...it might work for us.


That's what she said of the day:
(Referring to the American flag)
He's been trying to get it up for about two hours now.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

HR's Response to the Always Be Closing Speech

--> Dear Mr. Blake- My office has received numerous complaints in response to Tuesday’s speech to the sales team re: the Glengarry leads.   These troubling accusations detail inappropriate conduct such as: verbal abuse, workplace bullying, emasculation, damage to self-esteem and emotional health, and the overall fostering of a hostile and cutthroat work environment, all of which flies in the face of the mission statement and core values of Mitch & Murray Real Estate.   You employed inflammatory language and certain epithets that you can’t use anymore (and never should have been able to use, if we’re being honest), leading to a speech that was offensive to a multitude of groups, even those not present in the room (Note to self: We should make a concerted effort to hire at least one woman to our sales staff). In another office, any of these infractions would be grounds for termination.   Per our company guidelines, however, we are now consideri...

Quick Hit

My rule of thumb regarding heavy drinking has always been: Go as hard as you want, but make sure that someone else in your party is drunker than you are.  That way, the next morning as your friends decompress the night and tag photos on Facebook, they'll say, "Yeah, you were pretty sloshed last night, bro.  But did you see Reginald?  That dude blacked out, tried to put a bouncer in the figure-four leglock, and then texted his mom to brag about it!" No matter how crazy you acted, no matter how many women slapped you for being sexist, no matter how many off color jokes you told (that you swear are funny but everyone else just didn't understand the context), no matter how badly you wrecked your credit card statement by buying drinks for people you had never met before, you can sleep well knowing that the other guy is going to pull focus. Well, that's essentially Newt Gingrich's role at the GOP debates. *****

The man who will NEVER Die

Apologies to everyone who's been bitching about me not updating my blog. Maybe this is indicative of how militant people without blogs are....until they decide to start one and get understandably lazy. Let me put it this way: the grass is not as easy to mow on the other side of the fence. And that was too awful of a metaphor for me to use. Moving on.... Recently, the New York Mets offered a two year deal to this man: Julio Franco I know what you're thinking. "Max, I really don't care about baseball to begin with. Why should a two year contract even interest me? By the way, Max, you're incredibly good looking and your bench press is SOOOOO impressive." Why should this deal excite you? Mr. Julio Franco, who has played first base for the Atlanta Braves over the past 5 seasons, is currently 47 years old. Yes. 47. As in the number after 46. When he fulfills his contractual obligations, he will be a 49 year old professional baseball player. Let me put it to you thi...