In 2008, my friends and I turned 21. We shared the moment of realization that from here on out, alcohol just wasn't special anymore since we could acquire it legally. It is a fact universally accepted that barriers to entry only make people want said product even more. Example #1: iTunes made LimeWire even more popular. Example #2: Whenever a woman says "Just for the record, we're not hooking up tonight," she probably just wants flowers. Example #3: The US/Mexico border.
But despite the fact that beer has lost its illegal charm, I still like to throw down every so often. It's about shedding my Bruce Banner (Ed Norton, not Ruffalo) and unleashing what my friend Jeff has coined "Frax" (Frat Max). If this takes off, I'll have to photoshop an image of Admiral Ackbar screaming "It's a Frax!"
True, leaving college hasn't done much for my social life. But for those of you who say that I've gone soft in my old age, for those of you who say that I turned pop on the firm flop...allow me to present counter-evidence. A return to the Tucker Max era.
Here is my account of a couple Saturdays ago, in what can only be called:
"The Adventure of the ALBINO Cyrillic Drive Through."
*****
The evening began with a few choice drinks and cigars at the local drone's club (read: my friend's backyard, complete with plyboard table and lawn chairs). We engaged in erudite conversation about third world debt, the Arizona immigration law, and whether or not Justin Bieber is the reincarnation of Jonathan Lipnicki.
And then the booze kicked in.
The conversation veered off into the expected arenas:
"Of course he's a Replicant! Did you not see the unicorn in the director's cut? Duh!"
"The Red Wings are the Yankees of the NHL! It's un-American...wait...un-Canadian to support them!"
"You mean to tell me our mayor never passed the bar? Dude, what a fuck up!"
"George Lazenby was the Conan O'Brien of his time!"
"If there were instant replay, the Stanford Band wouldn't be relevant. His knee touched the ground!"
"And if there were instant replay, we would really know who shot JFK. Your point is moot, I tell ya!"
"Justin Bieber is the reincarnation of Jonathan Lipnicki! And I don't care who knows it!"
"You realize that moot means 'debatable,' not 'closed for debate.'"
"Why are we still here?"
One friend recommended hitting up a nearby tavern, which sounded appealing. As we reached the door, he finally divulged that it is, in fact, a lesbian bar. Not exactly sure what I was expecting. Something between Rosie O'Donnell and Naomi Watts in "Mulholland Drive." Sadly, it was ALBINO (A Lesbian Bar in Name Only). By the way, ALBINO is a registered copyright of Max-stravaganza. Patent pending.
Just a very normal bar, cool vibe, slightly more insecure women making out with other women in the hopes of meeting a man. To be honest, if they handed me a survey as I exited, I would check the box "more than likely come back."
Digression of the day: What is the appeal of Showtime's series "The Real L Word?" You get to see lesbians in their natural habitat? The original, scripted L Word was great because it was essentially better structured softcore pornography with straight actresses. Where is the fun if all you're watching is a show of women you have no shot with? /end digression.
So now that the party had laid a base, the night hit the main beats. Reminiscing about college antics. Reenacting the opening scene of Glengarry Glen Ross. Ric Flair impressions. Billy Joel singalong at Karaoke. Making outrageous claims about your career to pick up women (Yeah, my novel is about this close from making it to print). Angry debates about whether or not the SATs are racist. Making outrageous claims about your past accomplishments to pick up women (You know how in a right triangle a2 plus b2 equals c2? I came up with that!). Realizing that there was, in fact, no karaoke in this particular bar.
And then closing time.
So it's 2am, you're wandering Santa Monica Blvd and you need food. And we all know what that means. If our blood sugar crashes, in one more hour everyone begins to start crooning Matchbox 20 and tearfully remembering the 90's. A local Taco Bell is still open, yet the establishment is only running the drive through. And you took a taxi. A quandary not unlike rafting across a river with a chicken, a hungry fox and a bag of grain in tow.
So we're a group resourceful college educated young men. We can probably devise an intelligent manner of finding food. And that's what we did. A fullproof plan, one that would make our professors proud: We knocked on every car window in the drive through, asking to either a) have them buy us food or b) we can get in the car with them and order for ourselves. But as we know, "No battle plan survives contact with the enemy." -Colin Powell, Call of Duty 4.
The first five cars were unresponsive. But the sixth decided to be a bit friendlier.
At which point, two large Russian men got out of the car. I mean, gigantic Russian bouncers who were once extras on The Wire and still harbor some deep-seeded resentment stemming from the Warsaw Pact. They didn't respond too well to our business offer and proceded to step out of their overcompensating sports car.
One of whom grabbed my friend and literally choke slammed him to the ground. I'm shocked that he didn't bust out a tombstone piledriver while he was at it.
Watching from afar, I did what any man would have done in this circumstance. Which is chanting "ROCK BOTTOM! ROCK BOTTOM!" and attempting to hit the Rock's finishing move on a 6 foot 3 Russian. Vladimir simply laughed, pushed me aside and hopped back in his car.
So we were left sitting outside a half-closed Taco Bell. We didn't have delicious tacos, or even semi-edible Gorditas and we had just been assaulted by Ivan Drago impersonators. Thankfully, this sob story garnered enough sympathy so that a car thankfully took our money and our order.
It took a while, but we eventually got our tacos, which tasted vaguely like internal bleeding.
******
And this story comes with the disclaimer that these events may/may not have happened and any peoples/persons/places described are in no way associated with the 'Ganza. Doesn't mean it didn't happen. Simply adding that in at the suggestion of my legal counsel.
Si se puede,
-MGD
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