Kickstarter Project Update #37 - Our 3D printed water bottles and our co-founder are being held hostage by pirates
Dear Backers/fellow dream chasers,
Fourteen months ago, you proudly declared that not only did
you want a BPA-free water bottle with a custom-printed conforming grip, but you
also agreed with the core message and vision of H20DNA. Part of that mission statement includes
being upfront about our delivery timeline. The good news is that we have finally manufactured every single
bottle and they are truly amazing.
There is, however, one minor, fairly negligible hiccup. Nicaraguan pirates have abducted the completed
shipment of bottles as well as our co-founder, Eric Steen-Owens.
But do not worry.
Start-up culture means always following through, and just as you didn’t
quit when we challenged you to hit the stretch goals of a fanny pack attachment
and CamelBak adaptor straw, we will not stop until those bottles (and Eric) are
delivered to your door and the US consulate, respectively.
-For those of you who pledged up to $35 dollars, you should
have already received your personalized thank you post card.
-For the $55 tier, your name has been written on our company
wall in beautiful graffiti, forever reminding us of your commitment and
reaffirming our own.
-For backers of $85 or more, all I can offer is a request
for continued patience as we attempt to deliver your one (1) bottle. Hopefully you have already used our app
to take a 3D scan of your grip.
Sadly, Eric will have to repeat that process as the pirates sent two of
his fingers to us as proof of life.
Thankfully, our proprietary software only takes 90 seconds to perfectly
model your hand’s unique contours, so this will barely even qualify as an
inconvenience.
Please know that we understand and share your
frustration. We cannot wait to
share these bottles, our culture, and our hope for a better tomorrow with
you. From what Eric told me before
his cell phone cut out, these bottles are entirely worth the extra eight months
of R&D. And let’s face it: you
don’t want a refund. You want a
once in a lifetime bottle that is just as unique as you are.
As you might remember from previous updates, this is not the
first small, unforeseeable, trivial, not-in-the-least-bit-our-fault snag in the
production process. We have dealt
with leaky polymers, plastics that may or may not have been toxic, a co-packer that was “sweat shop
adjacent,” coders who jumped ship and shortly thereafter another company beat
us to market with a similar (if aggressively second rate) product, followed by baseless
allegations of intellectual property theft, and then another round of leaky
prototypes. And if those setbacks didn’t
stop us, neither will a minor kidnapping and a nitpicky dispute with the
Department of Justice over the legal definition of the phrase “international jurisdiction.”
Some (including our cowardly former co-founders) have told
us, “It’s just a water bottle. Move on and start doing something
important with your lives.” Well
this isn’t “just” a water bottle, Amanda.
The
way our bottles are designed and manufactured is completely new. We are
changing the way that millions, possibly billions, will consume the most
important nutrient in the galaxy. Haters
gonna hate. Innovators gonna
innovate.
Did Elon Musk quit? Did the MySpace guy quit? Did Elizabeth Holmes?
Did we quit even after all five Sharks were out on the deal and Mark
Cuban told us that we only had a niche product and valuing ourselves at $3
million was an absurdity that only Millennial lobotomy patients would consider
to be reasonable?
No. We. Did. Not.
Despite what some visionless hacks may have implied, our persistent
dedication to these bottles isn’t solely driven by a need to validate our
idiocy and avoid having to admit that we were unprepared and underfunded and
lacked the necessary production capacity or knowledge of how to manufacture or
distribute a product. Hardly. And those accusations only make us want
to scale up even faster. But not
out of spite. Of course not.
We are doing this because we believe in this product. Our faith in H2ODNA’s mission fuels us. It motivates us. It is what sent Eric to Central America for quality assurance and it is
what is continuing to keep him alive as he is ironically very, very
dehydrated. But to quote Cameron
Winklevoss, “There is no such thing as a problem; only an opportunity.”
Heck, maybe we could pivot and found another company that
connects hostages’ families to third party rescue teams, providing liquidity to
a marketplace that the Geneva Convention doesn’t cover. But before building that billion dollar
idea, first things first. Let’s deliver
your bottle.
So in the interest of continuing to be as transparent as the
proprietary non-toxic plastic we now use, here is our updated timeline: In the coming weeks, we will be
launching a GoFundMe for the ransom money. After hitting that goal, we will find an independent defense
contractor who is able to facilitate an easy release of your bottles (and Eric).
After moving the shipment through
customs, we will execute one final stress test (of both the bottles and Eric’s
reattached digits). Pending
approval, those bottles will finally be in your hands in no less than another
twelve and a half weeks.
My mind goes back to the final minutes of the Kickstarter campaign
when we still hadn’t hit our goal.
Some of us felt this was a sign.
We could take a mulligan and spare ourselves the embarrassment of having
to cobble together a cohesive business plan and fulfill all those orders.
But you know who thinks like that? Cowardly WANT-repreneurs like my childhood best friends who
don’t have the enterprising genes to cut it in Web 3.0. And just as how my own pledge put us
over the top that night, I will continue to singlehandedly persevere and grow
the brand of H2ODNA and spread our message. It’s a message that I’m sure Eric agrees with: Never say
die.
So thank you again for your patience and positivity, and we
hope you will support our next Kickstarter campaign for “CaptIV,” our hostage
negotiation app that connects victims of kidnapping with non-governmental
ransom experts operating outside the realm of the International Court of
Justice.
Yours,
Casey McCarthy-Ward
Acting sole founder/Teamwork Coordinator
#H2ODNA
#HYDRATIONNATION
#FREEOURFOUNDER
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