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@endofsocietyasweknowit

I know that I'm late to the party, but I'm thoroughly tired of Twitter (and I'm also late to the party on using the phrase "late to the party"). Apart from giving us 24/7 insights into the buying habits of our congressional leaders, it reinforces the misconception that every one of our random thoughts is worth broadcasting (note: but keep reading my blog).

People often ask me why I don't have an account. It's rather simple. My Twitter feed, like my tell all biography and sex tape, is raunchy, poignant and full of angry language towards the female cast of Glee, but it won't be relevant until I'm famous.

No one wants to hear the banal rants and ramblings of a nobody (sidenote: but keep reading my blog). A co-worker responded, "But being on Twitter is how you become famous." Not for the right reasons. Twitter is the online version of the E! Network or Bravo.

What kills me is when people talk about their tweets. Verbally retweeting, I believe is the proper parlance. "Did you see what I posted just now?" "Oh my god. I tweeted something just like that yesterday." "Check out my wall. Someone posted something hilarious." Don't get me wrong. I love self-reflexivity. For example: remember that post of mine about speaking about yourself in the third person?

I recently took a seminar at the airport Hilton to verse myself in Twitter jargon. Apparently “@” means that you are speaking to someone. So “@” now takes the place of “Hey you! Look over here!”

Even though I may not have a Twitter handle (mainly since some asshole has already taken @maxdavison. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!), I still have inane ramblings, puns and observations that border on being comprehensible. So in lieu of signing up for Satan's microblogger, here are all my would-be tweets at once. Transmitting online thoughts the old fashioned way: in a blog post. It's what sensible people do.

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Just saw "The Town." I think I managed to pick out the subtle director's cameo.

I thought that Angry Birds was the working title for the BBC's remake of Absolutely Fabulous. #Idon'thaveaniPhone

Hispanic Twang: Either my Mexican Bluegrass band or a new Food Network fusion show staring Aron Sanchez and Bobby Flay.

The Kentucky Dyslexia Foundation presents: Glue Brass.

Why must everything I love turn out to be a lesbian? #I'mStillNotOverAmberHeard

We need to start regulating candy sales so that strangers with creepy cars are limited to one bag of Snickers per day.

Simpsons/Spongebob crossover: Krabby Patty and Selma.

Don’t you hate observational humor?

Can you imagine if Rainman were Asian? He'd be the greatest math genius ever.

“This has more pretentious pop culture references than a Sheryl Crow song!” #FamilyGuyJokes

Urban Outfitters is about as urban as Keith Urban or Urban Meyer. #UrbanDoesn'tMean"Black"Anymore

Thank you, Twitter, for making the @ sign relevant again #abbreviations

Driving a mini-van is the automotive equivalent of wearing sweatpants to church.

New romantic comedy idea: Katherine Heigl gets waterboarded for 90 minutes.

Abel deserved it.

Say what you will about Ben Roethlisberger, but his last name is hard to spell and he’s a rapist.

Main reason there won’t be a black 007: Blames Bond and James Blond both sound stupid.

Scientists just discovered a new planet. Great. Something else that I’ll never see in my lifetime. #fuckyouNASA

Ephedrephrine: the fight or diet hormone.

Why has there never been a good scuba diving sex scene yet? I’m looking at you, James Cameron.

Snarf: the forgotten Pokemon

Pretending that she’s pregnant is not acceptable foreplay #thingsmyfatherneglectedtoteachme

I doubt even Joe Namath could get drunk enough to hit on Doris Burke.

Dostoyevskiing - forgoing a lift ticket due to the plight of the proletariat

@SarahKSilverman - Have you ever considered doing comedy for a change?

If you’re looking for ransom, I don’t have money. What I do have is a set #whyisthespeechfromTakentoolongtofitinasingletweet? #brevity

Back in my day, Pluto was a planet, the SATs were out of 1600, and Family Guy was relevant. #things I’ll tell my kids

Samoa Joe will be renamed Tagalong Joe if he ever joins the WWE

Exploding after ingesting a whole cow #ways that Paula Deen will die

Wait. Josh Duhamel wasn’t on Deadwood? Yeah right. And Tyler Perry wasn’t in “Big Mama’s House.”

I use a Venus razor and I’m proud of it. I also own the box set of the Gilmore Girls and have a vagina.

James II of England was the first to have a button down fly #sounds like it could be real

There’s no such thing as a six point basket #NBAJam lied to me

It’s not rocket surgery #stopsayingthis

What if aliens have a different name for our galaxy than “Milky Way?”

Why buy the muscle cow when you can get the Muscle Milk for half off at GNC? #I’m ashamed that I thought of this joke

Bruce Springsteen was a lot more entertaining before he started caring for his fellow man.

The three impressions done too often: Sean Connery, Jack Nicholson, and William F. Buckley Jr.

Big Papa SMERSH #there'sgottabeajokehere

I once made a bong out of an exercise ball. #justsaying

**********

Now tell me: is this honestly worth following? Exactly. Whether it's me, your brother, or that dude at Jamba Juice who once said something funny about Gingko Biloba boosts, it's just not worth the effort. So stop validating the common man's inflated sense of ego. Only established, meaningful celebs are allowed to give us updates on what they had for dinner and expect it to resonate.

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