Skip to main content

@endofsocietyasweknowit

I know that I'm late to the party, but I'm thoroughly tired of Twitter (and I'm also late to the party on using the phrase "late to the party"). Apart from giving us 24/7 insights into the buying habits of our congressional leaders, it reinforces the misconception that every one of our random thoughts is worth broadcasting (note: but keep reading my blog).

People often ask me why I don't have an account. It's rather simple. My Twitter feed, like my tell all biography and sex tape, is raunchy, poignant and full of angry language towards the female cast of Glee, but it won't be relevant until I'm famous.

No one wants to hear the banal rants and ramblings of a nobody (sidenote: but keep reading my blog). A co-worker responded, "But being on Twitter is how you become famous." Not for the right reasons. Twitter is the online version of the E! Network or Bravo.

What kills me is when people talk about their tweets. Verbally retweeting, I believe is the proper parlance. "Did you see what I posted just now?" "Oh my god. I tweeted something just like that yesterday." "Check out my wall. Someone posted something hilarious." Don't get me wrong. I love self-reflexivity. For example: remember that post of mine about speaking about yourself in the third person?

I recently took a seminar at the airport Hilton to verse myself in Twitter jargon. Apparently “@” means that you are speaking to someone. So “@” now takes the place of “Hey you! Look over here!”

Even though I may not have a Twitter handle (mainly since some asshole has already taken @maxdavison. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!), I still have inane ramblings, puns and observations that border on being comprehensible. So in lieu of signing up for Satan's microblogger, here are all my would-be tweets at once. Transmitting online thoughts the old fashioned way: in a blog post. It's what sensible people do.

**********

Just saw "The Town." I think I managed to pick out the subtle director's cameo.

I thought that Angry Birds was the working title for the BBC's remake of Absolutely Fabulous. #Idon'thaveaniPhone

Hispanic Twang: Either my Mexican Bluegrass band or a new Food Network fusion show staring Aron Sanchez and Bobby Flay.

The Kentucky Dyslexia Foundation presents: Glue Brass.

Why must everything I love turn out to be a lesbian? #I'mStillNotOverAmberHeard

We need to start regulating candy sales so that strangers with creepy cars are limited to one bag of Snickers per day.

Simpsons/Spongebob crossover: Krabby Patty and Selma.

Don’t you hate observational humor?

Can you imagine if Rainman were Asian? He'd be the greatest math genius ever.

“This has more pretentious pop culture references than a Sheryl Crow song!” #FamilyGuyJokes

Urban Outfitters is about as urban as Keith Urban or Urban Meyer. #UrbanDoesn'tMean"Black"Anymore

Thank you, Twitter, for making the @ sign relevant again #abbreviations

Driving a mini-van is the automotive equivalent of wearing sweatpants to church.

New romantic comedy idea: Katherine Heigl gets waterboarded for 90 minutes.

Abel deserved it.

Say what you will about Ben Roethlisberger, but his last name is hard to spell and he’s a rapist.

Main reason there won’t be a black 007: Blames Bond and James Blond both sound stupid.

Scientists just discovered a new planet. Great. Something else that I’ll never see in my lifetime. #fuckyouNASA

Ephedrephrine: the fight or diet hormone.

Why has there never been a good scuba diving sex scene yet? I’m looking at you, James Cameron.

Snarf: the forgotten Pokemon

Pretending that she’s pregnant is not acceptable foreplay #thingsmyfatherneglectedtoteachme

I doubt even Joe Namath could get drunk enough to hit on Doris Burke.

Dostoyevskiing - forgoing a lift ticket due to the plight of the proletariat

@SarahKSilverman - Have you ever considered doing comedy for a change?

If you’re looking for ransom, I don’t have money. What I do have is a set #whyisthespeechfromTakentoolongtofitinasingletweet? #brevity

Back in my day, Pluto was a planet, the SATs were out of 1600, and Family Guy was relevant. #things I’ll tell my kids

Samoa Joe will be renamed Tagalong Joe if he ever joins the WWE

Exploding after ingesting a whole cow #ways that Paula Deen will die

Wait. Josh Duhamel wasn’t on Deadwood? Yeah right. And Tyler Perry wasn’t in “Big Mama’s House.”

I use a Venus razor and I’m proud of it. I also own the box set of the Gilmore Girls and have a vagina.

James II of England was the first to have a button down fly #sounds like it could be real

There’s no such thing as a six point basket #NBAJam lied to me

It’s not rocket surgery #stopsayingthis

What if aliens have a different name for our galaxy than “Milky Way?”

Why buy the muscle cow when you can get the Muscle Milk for half off at GNC? #I’m ashamed that I thought of this joke

Bruce Springsteen was a lot more entertaining before he started caring for his fellow man.

The three impressions done too often: Sean Connery, Jack Nicholson, and William F. Buckley Jr.

Big Papa SMERSH #there'sgottabeajokehere

I once made a bong out of an exercise ball. #justsaying

**********

Now tell me: is this honestly worth following? Exactly. Whether it's me, your brother, or that dude at Jamba Juice who once said something funny about Gingko Biloba boosts, it's just not worth the effort. So stop validating the common man's inflated sense of ego. Only established, meaningful celebs are allowed to give us updates on what they had for dinner and expect it to resonate.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The man who will NEVER Die

Apologies to everyone who's been bitching about me not updating my blog. Maybe this is indicative of how militant people without blogs are....until they decide to start one and get understandably lazy. Let me put it this way: the grass is not as easy to mow on the other side of the fence. And that was too awful of a metaphor for me to use. Moving on.... Recently, the New York Mets offered a two year deal to this man: Julio Franco I know what you're thinking. "Max, I really don't care about baseball to begin with. Why should a two year contract even interest me? By the way, Max, you're incredibly good looking and your bench press is SOOOOO impressive." Why should this deal excite you? Mr. Julio Franco, who has played first base for the Atlanta Braves over the past 5 seasons, is currently 47 years old. Yes. 47. As in the number after 46. When he fulfills his contractual obligations, he will be a 49 year old professional baseball player. Let me put it to you thi...
2 comments
Read more

HR's Response to the Always Be Closing Speech

--> Dear Mr. Blake- My office has received numerous complaints in response to Tuesday’s speech to the sales team re: the Glengarry leads.   These troubling accusations detail inappropriate conduct such as: verbal abuse, workplace bullying, emasculation, damage to self-esteem and emotional health, and the overall fostering of a hostile and cutthroat work environment, all of which flies in the face of the mission statement and core values of Mitch & Murray Real Estate.   You employed inflammatory language and certain epithets that you can’t use anymore (and never should have been able to use, if we’re being honest), leading to a speech that was offensive to a multitude of groups, even those not present in the room (Note to self: We should make a concerted effort to hire at least one woman to our sales staff). In another office, any of these infractions would be grounds for termination.   Per our company guidelines, however, we are now consideri...
Post a Comment
Read more

8 October 2007 - These All-Blacks sit in the front of the bus

Well the Niners are now 2-3 after dropping a close game (that they never should have be in to begin with) to the Ravens. Normally I'd make some kind of petty excuse about how the team isn't even trying, or the fact that they're still 2-1 against the NFC West, or that in some other parallel world in the multiverse they're 5-0. But not today. Week 5 is different, since both Alex Smith and Vernon Davis are out with injuries. Vernon sprained his knee and Smith is down with a grade 3 shoulder separation. I'm not proud to admit this, but for the first time since Edgar Stiles choked on nerve gas, I cried. I cried like a big, dumb homo. And even though I can't watch the NFL or the World Series (since MLB.tv costs far too much for international clients), I had adopted the New Zealand All-Blacks as my surrogate sports team. And if you haven't seen the haka , click that link immediately 2007 is the year of the Rugby World Cup, and as opposed to the soccer world ...
1 comment
Read more