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Lines not to use on job interviews

HUMAN RESOURCES: Welcome. Please have a seat. I have a quick series of questions to assess your personality and see if you're best suited for this position.

HR: First off, what's your name?
APPLICANT: Fuck You. That's my name.

HR: Heh heh. Seriously now.
A: There are some who call me...Tim.

HR: Okay, Tim. What unique abilities do you bring to our company?
A: What I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.

HR: How do you feel that you are different from other applicants for this position?
A: Some people can read War and Peace and come away thinking it was a simple adventure story. Others can read the ingredients on a chewing gum wrapper and unlock the secrets of the universe.

HR: Where do you see yourself in five years?
A: I'm going to be a mighty king. So enemies beware. I'm going to be the main event, like no king was before. I'm brushing up on looking down. I'm working on my roar.

HR: Any more practical, work-related goals?
A: Advancement, of course.

HR: We here believe that a good employee lives by a creed. What do you believe in?
A: I believe in the soul. The cock. The pussy. The small of a woman's back. The hanging curveball. High fiber. Good scotch. That the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a Constitutional amendment outlawing astroturf and the Designated Hitter.

HR: What is your personal definition of success?
A: It's not just the money. It's not just the coin. It's love. Respect. Community. And the dollars too. The entire package. The Quan.

HR: What experiences have prepared you to tackle your responsibilities here?
A: I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate.

HR: Do you have any concerns about the position and what is expected of you?
A: I always knew you had to be willing to die to even do this job. But, I don't want to push my chips forward and go out and meet something I don't understand. A man would have to put his soul at hazard. He'd have to say, "Okay, I'll be part of this world."

HR: Tell me about your last full-time job. Describe your typical day.
A: You punch in at 8:30 every morning, except you punch in at 7:30 following a business holiday, unless it's a Monday, then you punch in at 8 o'clock. Punch in late and they dock you. Incoming articles get a voucher, outgoing articles provide a voucher. Move any article without a voucher and they dock you. Letter size a green voucher, oversize a yellow voucher, parcel size a maroon voucher. Wrong color voucher and they dock you.

HR: Hmmm, I see. Well, our company isn't quite as restrictive in that regard. We're more like a family, but one that happens to reside in the same close-knit quarters.
A: None of you understand. I'm not locked up in here with you. You're locked up in here with me.

HR: The last book you read?
A: Print is dead.

HR: Any quotes that inspire you?
A: Ernest Hemingway once wrote: "The world is a fine place and worth fighting for." I agree with the second part.

HR: Hypothetical situation: You're working on a project with a deadline of 9pm tonight. You have three team members who all want to go home early. How do you motivate your team to complete your assignment?
A: Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it. You know, I just... do things.

HR: How do you spend your free time?
A: My real passion is my hobby. I work with retards. So, one day Mongo gets out of his cage...

HR: I'm a little taken aback, to be honest.
A: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

HR: Well, that's all the questions I had. If we need more information, we'll call you back. I have to warn you, however, that this is a highly competitive spot. We are interviewing countless qualified individuals who may be a better fit for the job.
A: So...you're saying there's a chance?

HR: Thank you, but the job has already been filled.
A: Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!

******

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