Skip to main content

Lines not to use on job interviews

HUMAN RESOURCES: Welcome. Please have a seat. I have a quick series of questions to assess your personality and see if you're best suited for this position.

HR: First off, what's your name?
APPLICANT: Fuck You. That's my name.

HR: Heh heh. Seriously now.
A: There are some who call me...Tim.

HR: Okay, Tim. What unique abilities do you bring to our company?
A: What I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.

HR: How do you feel that you are different from other applicants for this position?
A: Some people can read War and Peace and come away thinking it was a simple adventure story. Others can read the ingredients on a chewing gum wrapper and unlock the secrets of the universe.

HR: Where do you see yourself in five years?
A: I'm going to be a mighty king. So enemies beware. I'm going to be the main event, like no king was before. I'm brushing up on looking down. I'm working on my roar.

HR: Any more practical, work-related goals?
A: Advancement, of course.

HR: We here believe that a good employee lives by a creed. What do you believe in?
A: I believe in the soul. The cock. The pussy. The small of a woman's back. The hanging curveball. High fiber. Good scotch. That the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a Constitutional amendment outlawing astroturf and the Designated Hitter.

HR: What is your personal definition of success?
A: It's not just the money. It's not just the coin. It's love. Respect. Community. And the dollars too. The entire package. The Quan.

HR: What experiences have prepared you to tackle your responsibilities here?
A: I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate.

HR: Do you have any concerns about the position and what is expected of you?
A: I always knew you had to be willing to die to even do this job. But, I don't want to push my chips forward and go out and meet something I don't understand. A man would have to put his soul at hazard. He'd have to say, "Okay, I'll be part of this world."

HR: Tell me about your last full-time job. Describe your typical day.
A: You punch in at 8:30 every morning, except you punch in at 7:30 following a business holiday, unless it's a Monday, then you punch in at 8 o'clock. Punch in late and they dock you. Incoming articles get a voucher, outgoing articles provide a voucher. Move any article without a voucher and they dock you. Letter size a green voucher, oversize a yellow voucher, parcel size a maroon voucher. Wrong color voucher and they dock you.

HR: Hmmm, I see. Well, our company isn't quite as restrictive in that regard. We're more like a family, but one that happens to reside in the same close-knit quarters.
A: None of you understand. I'm not locked up in here with you. You're locked up in here with me.

HR: The last book you read?
A: Print is dead.

HR: Any quotes that inspire you?
A: Ernest Hemingway once wrote: "The world is a fine place and worth fighting for." I agree with the second part.

HR: Hypothetical situation: You're working on a project with a deadline of 9pm tonight. You have three team members who all want to go home early. How do you motivate your team to complete your assignment?
A: Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it. You know, I just... do things.

HR: How do you spend your free time?
A: My real passion is my hobby. I work with retards. So, one day Mongo gets out of his cage...

HR: I'm a little taken aback, to be honest.
A: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

HR: Well, that's all the questions I had. If we need more information, we'll call you back. I have to warn you, however, that this is a highly competitive spot. We are interviewing countless qualified individuals who may be a better fit for the job.
A: So...you're saying there's a chance?

HR: Thank you, but the job has already been filled.
A: Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!

******

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The man who will NEVER Die

Apologies to everyone who's been bitching about me not updating my blog. Maybe this is indicative of how militant people without blogs are....until they decide to start one and get understandably lazy. Let me put it this way: the grass is not as easy to mow on the other side of the fence. And that was too awful of a metaphor for me to use. Moving on.... Recently, the New York Mets offered a two year deal to this man: Julio Franco I know what you're thinking. "Max, I really don't care about baseball to begin with. Why should a two year contract even interest me? By the way, Max, you're incredibly good looking and your bench press is SOOOOO impressive." Why should this deal excite you? Mr. Julio Franco, who has played first base for the Atlanta Braves over the past 5 seasons, is currently 47 years old. Yes. 47. As in the number after 46. When he fulfills his contractual obligations, he will be a 49 year old professional baseball player. Let me put it to you thi...

HR's Response to the Always Be Closing Speech

--> Dear Mr. Blake- My office has received numerous complaints in response to Tuesday’s speech to the sales team re: the Glengarry leads.   These troubling accusations detail inappropriate conduct such as: verbal abuse, workplace bullying, emasculation, damage to self-esteem and emotional health, and the overall fostering of a hostile and cutthroat work environment, all of which flies in the face of the mission statement and core values of Mitch & Murray Real Estate.   You employed inflammatory language and certain epithets that you can’t use anymore (and never should have been able to use, if we’re being honest), leading to a speech that was offensive to a multitude of groups, even those not present in the room (Note to self: We should make a concerted effort to hire at least one woman to our sales staff). In another office, any of these infractions would be grounds for termination.   Per our company guidelines, however, we are now consideri...

8 October 2007 - These All-Blacks sit in the front of the bus

Well the Niners are now 2-3 after dropping a close game (that they never should have be in to begin with) to the Ravens. Normally I'd make some kind of petty excuse about how the team isn't even trying, or the fact that they're still 2-1 against the NFC West, or that in some other parallel world in the multiverse they're 5-0. But not today. Week 5 is different, since both Alex Smith and Vernon Davis are out with injuries. Vernon sprained his knee and Smith is down with a grade 3 shoulder separation. I'm not proud to admit this, but for the first time since Edgar Stiles choked on nerve gas, I cried. I cried like a big, dumb homo. And even though I can't watch the NFL or the World Series (since MLB.tv costs far too much for international clients), I had adopted the New Zealand All-Blacks as my surrogate sports team. And if you haven't seen the haka , click that link immediately 2007 is the year of the Rugby World Cup, and as opposed to the soccer world ...