Why the terrorists hate us: Infomercial Edition

There are two sorts of people who go to the gym on Saturday morning: those attempting to sweat off their hangover and those who had no plans on Friday night. I won't specify my reasons for being on the exercise bike.

It's Saturday morning, so naturally the only thing on broadcast TV are Ron Popeil infomercials, replays of SportsCenter and the Suite Life of Zack and Cody (sidebar: I nearly run over once by Ashley Tisdale. I'm not sure what was more disappointing: the fact that she is only 5'2" or that a child actress drives a luxury automobile that is unattainable for someone with my college degree).

So as I'm pedaling away, there are two screens in front of me. To my right is a graphic infomercial for St. Jude's Children's Hospital. Marlo Thomas takes us through a montage of children in incubators, cancer patients, smiles that fight through tears. It's brutal, gutting and plays upon our guilt...albeit for a good cause.

The screen on my left featured an equally graphic infomercial. This one advertises the Genie Bra. Because women with DD's have problems too. Are you tired having bra having cups that are too small? Sick of wires cutting into your boob? Have you had enough of sports bras that cause unsightly back fat to pile up? Have no fear. The Genie Bra is here to grant your support garment wishes.

Much like their advertised product, however, the informercial was front loaded. The first five minutes showed gorgeous models who have never felt comfortable in their bodies because of their enormous bazoomers. If only Marlo Thomas could petition for their plight as well. Yet after you're hooked in, then they switch to the 40+ house fraus who are actually going to dial the 800 number and pay the exorbitant shipping and handling charges.

St. Jude's patients or large women who actually need the Genie Bra. The 7am treadmill version of Sophie's Choice.

Comments

The man who will NEVER Die

Apologies to everyone who's been bitching about me not updating my blog. Maybe this is indicative of how militant people without blogs are....until they decide to start one and get understandably lazy. Let me put it this way: the grass is not as easy to mow on the other side of the fence. And that was too awful of a metaphor for me to use. Moving on.... Recently, the New York Mets offered a two year deal to this man: Julio Franco I know what you're thinking. "Max, I really don't care about baseball to begin with. Why should a two year contract even interest me? By the way, Max, you're incredibly good looking and your bench press is SOOOOO impressive." Why should this deal excite you? Mr. Julio Franco, who has played first base for the Atlanta Braves over the past 5 seasons, is currently 47 years old. Yes. 47. As in the number after 46. When he fulfills his contractual obligations, he will be a 49 year old professional baseball player. Let me put it to you thi...

HR's Response to the Always Be Closing Speech

--> Dear Mr. Blake- My office has received numerous complaints in response to Tuesday’s speech to the sales team re: the Glengarry leads. These troubling accusations detail inappropriate conduct such as: verbal abuse, workplace bullying, emasculation, damage to self-esteem and emotional health, and the overall fostering of a hostile and cutthroat work environment, all of which flies in the face of the mission statement and core values of Mitch & Murray Real Estate. You employed inflammatory language and certain epithets that you can’t use anymore (and never should have been able to use, if we’re being honest), leading to a speech that was offensive to a multitude of groups, even those not present in the room (Note to self: We should make a concerted effort to hire at least one woman to our sales staff). In another office, any of these infractions would be grounds for termination. Per our company guidelines, however, we are now consideri...

8 October 2007 - These All-Blacks sit in the front of the bus

Well the Niners are now 2-3 after dropping a close game (that they never should have be in to begin with) to the Ravens. Normally I'd make some kind of petty excuse about how the team isn't even trying, or the fact that they're still 2-1 against the NFC West, or that in some other parallel world in the multiverse they're 5-0. But not today. Week 5 is different, since both Alex Smith and Vernon Davis are out with injuries. Vernon sprained his knee and Smith is down with a grade 3 shoulder separation. I'm not proud to admit this, but for the first time since Edgar Stiles choked on nerve gas, I cried. I cried like a big, dumb homo. And even though I can't watch the NFL or the World Series (since MLB.tv costs far too much for international clients), I had adopted the New Zealand All-Blacks as my surrogate sports team. And if you haven't seen the haka , click that link immediately 2007 is the year of the Rugby World Cup, and as opposed to the soccer world ...

Max-stravaganza

Search This Blog