Prior to Pulp Fiction, John Travolta was stuck in Hollywood purgatory. After star-making turns in Saturday Night Fever, Grease, and Welcome Back, Kotter1, he struggled to find his footing as a dramatic actor. No matter how many times he insisted that he wanted to be taken seriously, all audiences saw was a chubby guy in his late twenties who would never live up to his potential2. Travolta would find some box-office success in the Look Who's Talking franchise, which only type-cast him as a *gulp* goofy love interest for *shudder* Kirstie Alley.
Then, in 1994, Quentin Tarantino offered John the part of Vincent Vega, a relatable sociopath whose tough guy exterior yet insecure pathos seemed to mirror Travolta's real-world persona. The first time audiences heard "royale with cheese," Danny Zuko suffered a horrible, mafia-style assassination to the sounds of Ezekiel 25:17. Travolta received an Academy Award nomination and found himself back on the A-List, paving the way for subsequent, career-stabilizing parts in Get Shorty, The Thin Red Line and Wild Hogs.
Travolta wasn't the only beneficiary of the Pulp Fiction rub. Samuel L. Jackson has consistently played Jules Winfield for the better part of 18 years now. No longer would "Dinosaur DNA Engineer #3" be his career-defining part. Some would argue that Bruce Willis reclaimed his John McClane manhood as boxer/wristwatch fanatic Butch Coolidge.
Point is, one great role can save an actor from a downward spiral. And in Tinseltown, Quentin Tarantino is the man to resuscitate your career. He's Hollywood's Dr. Dre3. He'll bring you back to life like an injection of adrenaline into the heart of an OD'ing bitch.
This Christmas, Tarantino will release his seventh feature film, Django Unchained. It's a a spaghetti Western starring Jamie Foxx as an escaped slave who teams with a German bounty hunter to get ultra-violent revenge on Whitey, presumably while bantering about Elvis, samurai films and what exactly constitutes racketeering.
Foxx won an Oscar in 2004 for his stunning
With the inevitable success of Django (which has already landed him Oscar buzz as well as the cover of Men's Health), Jamie Foxx can finally break out of the "second rate action star" or "hilarious black guy cameo" or "we couldn't get Don Cheadle" mold. Hell, he'd be a great Luke Cage in Avengers 2.
So now that Jamie Foxx is on the road to recovery, who is next on Tarantino's list of damaged actors to nurse back to health?
1) KEANU REEVES
NOTABLE ROLES: Kung Fu-knower Neo, Excellent Adventure-haver Ted, the guy who stopped the Bus that Couldn't Slow Down
Career misstep: Everything he has filmed since talking to the Architect in The Matrix: Reloaded.
A recent study by US News and World Report stated that incoming college freshmen know Mr. Reeves more from his "Sad Keanu" meme than his acting. Last time I can remember him in a movie is when he was
caught in a Diane Keaton/Jack Nicholson love triangle for no reason other than to make Diane Keaton feel as though she was aging gracefully in real life.
Since playing a capable, albeit non-British John Constantine, Keanu has disappeared off the face of the Earth. Even Microsoft Word corrects his name as "keener." His next film, 47 Ronin, has been sitting on the shelf for years now, getting recut and reshot.
Since playing a capable, albeit non-British John Constantine, Keanu has disappeared off the face of the Earth. Even Microsoft Word corrects his name as "keener." His next film, 47 Ronin, has been sitting on the shelf for years now, getting recut and reshot.
If these events do not change, cops will burst into a hotel room at the Chateau, finding Keanu OD'd on red pills in a last gasp attempt to jack back into the Matrix.
THE PART: "The Observation of Miles Tarkanian" - Keanu is the titular FBI profiler who, after completing a self-imposed stay in an insane asylum, begins to suspect that his handler/confidant is plotting against him.
To Tarantino, it is about the sort of dissociation that comes with the inherently voyeuristic experience that links both spies and cinematic audiences. "It's like, invoking comparisons to Coppola's The Conversation, yet made more self-referential by the fact that the audience is both watching and imploring a subjective camera."
Keanu sees it as a chance to once again engage in bloody shootouts, all the while tricking the audience into thinking there's some philosophical backdrop to the body count.
2) NIC CAGE
NOTABLE ROLES: Leaving Las Vegas, Con Air, the dude playing the dude wearing John Travolta's face yet pretending to be Nic Cage
Career misstep: NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES!!! (Alternately: hiring Arthur Andersen as his accountants)
The man is a national treasure. Academy Award winner. Tim Burton's Superman. Francis Ford Coppola's nephew. And along with fame, talent, and box office success came Kim Jong Il levels of conspicuous consumption. Cage bought castles in England and Germany, a haunted house in New Orleans, and estates in Malibu, Newport, and Bel-Air. During an infamous 2007 shopping spree, he brought home nine (9) Rolls Royces.
And then, like America in 2008, he realized that he had to pay for it all. Uncle Sam placed liens on most of his assets. Mitt Romney's original, one-step plan for middle-class relief was, "If we can get Nic Cage to pay his back taxes, the national deficit is erased by 2020."
The word "no" has been systematically purged from his agent's vocabulary. Nic Cage is now Bangkok Dangerous. He's Driving Angry. He's Ghost Rider II. Even had to sell his copy of Action Comics #1 to pay the bills, which is the fanboy equivalent of lopping off your right arm.
Tarantino needs to give Nic not only a solid character piece, but a role that will give him the financial flexibility to decline the next part that Avi Lerner comes shopping.
THE PART: "Tax Break" - Nic Cage, playing himself, goes on a murderous rampage, killing everyone to whom he owes money. Midway through act two, Wesley Snipes joins the crusade. Script pretty much
writes itself.
3) RICHARD GERE
NOTABLE ROLES: Conniving migrant worker in Days of Heaven, whoremonger with the heart of gold in Pretty Woman, the world's most famous Buddhist
Career misstep: n/a4
Career misstep: n/a4
Here's the problem with Gere: there is no problem. He's a class act. Even though he hasn't made a notable movie since Chicago, you would never criticize his IMDB page. He has aged gracefully, rather than desperately clinging to his former "Sexiest Man Alive" label.
Gere is entirely content with his past performance. He made a name in the '80s in An Officer and a Gentleman and American Gigolo (incidentally, parts that were turned down by Travolta). No real need to expand his horizons. He’s content to make the occasional art house picture, a thriller that’s only released in Southeast Asia, or anything with Diane Lane's name in the credits.
Think about your legacy, Richard. The world knows that your acting only consists of one move. Time to prove them wrong.
Gere is entirely content with his past performance. He made a name in the '80s in An Officer and a Gentleman and American Gigolo (incidentally, parts that were turned down by Travolta). No real need to expand his horizons. He’s content to make the occasional art house picture, a thriller that’s only released in Southeast Asia, or anything with Diane Lane's name in the credits.
Think about your legacy, Richard. The world knows that your acting only consists of one move. Time to prove them wrong.
THE PART: "Breathless II"- an unauthorized sequel to Jean-Luc Godard's seminal French New Wave classic. Miraculously, Michael (originally Jean-Paul Belmondo, now Gere) survived the end of the original film and has now become a successful stock broker. Experiencing another mid-life crisis, he meets a sweet American girl and considers embarking on another crime spree. ...Or maybe he'll learn from his mistakes this time.
Given QT's penchant for Godard (his production company is named after the French director's Bande a part) and the fact that Gere starred in the poorly-received American remake of Breathless, it's a match made in self-referential heaven.
4) TRAVOLTA (again)
Career misstep #2: John, you’re not fooling anyone. And with every masseuse who threatens to press charges and every Christmas album with Olivia Newton-John it becomes more and more clear. Hell, at this point I’d even believe “bisexual with an open marriage.” But you keep denying it. Just stop the ruse and run with it (see: McConaughey embracing his dimwitted shirtless roots in Magic Mike).
THE PART: “Old Habits” - Travolta plays a gay hitman who is hired to assassinate the guy he had a crush on in high school.
5) HUGH GRANT
NOTABLE ROLES: Best known for playing the lead in the David Cameron biopic, Love Actually.
Career misstep: No, not the hooker. I'd argue Notting Hill.
Despite his off-camera shenanigans and rakish public face, Hugh Grant is one hell of an actor. In About a Boy, his obnoxiously slick yet sympathetically vulnerable delivery of the line "No, I really am that shallow" is worth every single cent you're paying the man. If you've ever seen him on Conan, he's one hell of an interview (recently evidenced by his lifetime ban from "The Daily Show" for excessive awesomeness). Definitely a dude you want to party with.
Here's the problem: The man is now synonymous with Rom Coms. Hell, Mindy Kaling's entire comedic persona is based upon Hugh Grant jokes5. Granted, he plays the part well and has made a living off it, but it has taken away his edge.
A little Rom Com 101 for you: Either you are the perfect object of pursuit, or you're the romantic lead who has to incur a third-act moment of self-realization that leads you to a more complete and fulfilling life in a committed, monogamous relationship that provides you with everything you didn't even know you wanted. Occasionally the love interest will have a small flaw, but it's never essential to the main plot, e.g. "She's afraid of heights!" or "She's never tried sushi!" and all this means is that the final, go-home scene will be bungee jumping or an impromptu trip to Tokyo.
And ever since Notting Hill, Hugh Grant is always the one that makes a radical change. And his flaw? Having a penis. He's non-committal. He sleeps around. He doesn't realize that his life is meaningless unless he's sharing it with someone. Hugh Grant represents every woman's undefinable third wave feminist dream: irrevocable proof that no matter how confident and seemingly content, all men are inherently flawed and in need of a good woman6.
He's defanged. He's non-threatening. He's a pussy. And I don't mean that in the coloquial British military idiom of "pussy cat."
THE PART: "House of Commons" - Same part as Love Actually. He's the Prime Minister of England...but he’s secretly recreating the crimes of Jack the Ripper. Tarantino pitches it as a modern-day The Ruling Class with shades of From Hell.
6) PIERCE BROSNAN
NOTABLE ROLES: The film that inspired the greatest videogame of all time: Goldeneye 007.
Career misstep: Mamma Mothereffing Mia.
If you grew up in the 90s, Pierce Brosnan is synonymous with James Bond. Not since Connery was an actor so tailor-made for the tuxedo and martinis. "Remington Steele" was the minors. When he got called up to the show in 1997, he was suave, slick, effortlessly cool.
After leaving 007 behind, he showed self-deprecating potential in The Matador. But then Mamma Mia happened. Sweet Jesus. He wasn't just singing. He was sending out a career SOS to anyone who would listen.
Worse yet, thanks to Daniel Craig and his parkour-enthusiast James Bourne, Brosnan is in jeopardy of being seen as dull and vintage. In ten years (along with a spike in teenage pregnancy rates), Pierce Brosnan will literally become "your father's James Bond."
THE PART: "The Usurper" - It's Hamlet from Claudius' perspective. There's some young upstart who wants to claim the throne for his own. Claudius has to maintain his power and the city's order, no matter what the cost. Oh, and it's set in the year 2375 and takes place in the underwater metropolis of Neo-Atlantis.
7) JOHN CUSACK
NOTABLE ROLES: Damaged male, often with an unusual occupation or fixation, who can't grow up since he's caught up on an old girlfriend.
Career misstep: Which came first: the success or the selling-out?
Let’s look at the early years of his career. The Sure Thing. Better off Dead. One Crazy Summer. Say Anything. Classic comedies with a counter culture vibe. Then he graduates to The Grifters, Eight Men Out, Grosse Point Blank, Bullets Over Broadway, and High Fidelity. This is an actor working his way up to the ranks of the elite. He is the 1980's everyman and the moviegoing public wants to watch Lloyd Dobler grow up into a secure, leading man to the tune of $8 a clip.
Career misstep: Which came first: the success or the selling-out?
Let’s look at the early years of his career. The Sure Thing. Better off Dead. One Crazy Summer. Say Anything. Classic comedies with a counter culture vibe. Then he graduates to The Grifters, Eight Men Out, Grosse Point Blank, Bullets Over Broadway, and High Fidelity. This is an actor working his way up to the ranks of the elite. He is the 1980's everyman and the moviegoing public wants to watch Lloyd Dobler grow up into a secure, leading man to the tune of $8 a clip.
Three terrible rom coms later (America’s Sweethearts, Must
Love Dogs, Serendipity), and suddenly he gets pigeonholed into the second rate rom com/single dad/widower role. Then come the bad horror/action movies (2012, The Raven) and suddenly you're just another plug-and-play Hollywood MadLib actor. Since the ship has sailed on landing Cameron Crowe's next character-centric ode to any record made prior to 1989, Cusack's return to the land of the bankable fragile male ego lies in Tarantino's hands.
THE PART: "Midlife Crisis on Infinite Earths" - A quantum physicist discovers an alternate reality in which his alternate self is a handsome rogue. This is the life he could have had. They decide to switch places. Uh-oh! Alt-Cusack is actually a wanted felon on the run. It's a multiversal The Prince and the Pauper, only with an intergalactic civil war as the backdrop.
8) EDDIE MURPHY
NOTABLE ROLES: Reggie Hammond in 48 Hrs., Axel Foley in Beverly Hills Cop, Leather-clad comedic genius in Raw and Delirious
Career misstep: Meet Dave based on the novel Pluto Nash by Norbit
By the age of 23, he had already made 48 Hrs., Trading Places, and Beverly Hills Cop. Now, at the age of 51, if you type "Eddie Murphy" into Google, the first suggested hit is: "Eddie Murphy dead."
When Daddy Day Care is the lone bright spot in an endless black hole of suck, you've got to make a serious life change. It's unclear what happened. The simplest explanation is that Murphy suffered from Chevy Chase Syndrome where one morning he woke up and wasn't funny anymore7. Sure, he's voiced the Donkey in four high grossing Shrek movies. But that's animated. That's like calling Hank Azaria a TV star because he gets paid $20 million a year to be Moe Syzlak.
THE PART: "The Better Man" - It's a Jekyll and Hyde story about an inveterate womanizer who, due to an accident gone wrong, unpredictably transforms into a mild mannered family man.
Tarantino has already riffed on the "Clark Kent is the mask" digression, so a reverse Nutty Professor would be right up his alley.
Tarantino has already riffed on the "Clark Kent is the mask" digression, so a reverse Nutty Professor would be right up his alley.
*******
1. The 1970's answer to season 4 of The Wire.
2. see: Cutler, Jay
3. When your box office sales weren't doing too good, who's the director they told you to come see?
4. Insert obligatory gerbil joke here. Happy now?
5. Wait. That isn't a role she's playing? She's not tweeting in-character? Oh, lord. What the hell are young women reading these days?
6.The male equivalent of this sort of cinematic wish fulfillment is the fallacy that Zooey Deschanel is perpetually single and oftentimes considered quite undesirable by the majority of men. See also: the Meg Ryan Unrealized Cuteness Effect, the Reese Witherspoon "If Only I Weren't a Workaholic" Disease, and the "Buffy Summers is the Slayer yet Needs Rescuing Every Week" Conundrum. Perhaps this warrants a subsequent column, "Actresses who need their image rehabilitated by Kathryn Bigelow."
7. There is also the prevailing conspiracy theory that the Black Crusaders cancelled his Oscar for "Dreamgirls" because of his relationship with Scary Spice, but there is not enough evidence as of yet to substantiate these claims.
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