The Expendables III hits theaters this weekend. Normally, I would be camped outside the AMC Burbank right, but I was fairly disappointed with Part II. Couldn't really connect with the characters, the plot lacked the original's subtleties and was almost too easy to follow, I realized that Stallone's character is named "Barney," and despite the larger budget, the filmmakers offered lower stakes.
Back in 2010, after the release of the first film, I suggested that the sequel should feature a Legion of Doom supergroup of supervillains. A murderer's row of rogue murderers. The Traveling Willburys of Villainy. Instead, the second movie used the following equation for conflict:
Now, I may be three credits short of my Expendatology degree, but that looks like obvious math to me. The First Law of Sequel Villain Inflation (or "Action Movie Affirmative Action") calls for the addition of two villains for every new hero.
In Part Deux, Van Damme proved to be a rather easy target and the Expendables ran through him (although I suspect that he has a twin brother out there looking for vengeance). In Chapter III, the good guys have another membership drive, recruiting Wesley Snipes (with bullet-time skills of dodging taxes), Antonio Banderas, Harrison Ford, and Ronda Rousey's armbar. The new mastermind villain? Mel "Soft in his Old Age" Gibson.
If there's one thing Stallone loves, it's Roman numerals. There will assuredly be a Part IV. So, in hopes of salvaging a once great franchise, it's time to revisit my original idea of the Shoot-Em-Up Injustice Gang. Barring an nWo-style double cross from Jason Statham, Jet Li and Terry Crews, we'll have to recruit from outside. When Liam Neeson, Kurt Russell and Carl Weathers join the cast of heroes, we want it to be a fair fight. They need to battle...
The Indispensables.
Back in 2010, after the release of the first film, I suggested that the sequel should feature a Legion of Doom supergroup of supervillains. A murderer's row of rogue murderers. The Traveling Willburys of Villainy. Instead, the second movie used the following equation for conflict:
Expendables + Liam Hemsworth + Chuck Norris - Mickey Rourke > Villains + JCVD - Stone Cold - Eric Roberts
Now, I may be three credits short of my Expendatology degree, but that looks like obvious math to me. The First Law of Sequel Villain Inflation (or "Action Movie Affirmative Action") calls for the addition of two villains for every new hero.
In Part Deux, Van Damme proved to be a rather easy target and the Expendables ran through him (although I suspect that he has a twin brother out there looking for vengeance). In Chapter III, the good guys have another membership drive, recruiting Wesley Snipes (with bullet-time skills of dodging taxes), Antonio Banderas, Harrison Ford, and Ronda Rousey's armbar. The new mastermind villain? Mel "Soft in his Old Age" Gibson.
If there's one thing Stallone loves, it's Roman numerals. There will assuredly be a Part IV. So, in hopes of salvaging a once great franchise, it's time to revisit my original idea of the Shoot-Em-Up Injustice Gang. Barring an nWo-style double cross from Jason Statham, Jet Li and Terry Crews, we'll have to recruit from outside. When Liam Neeson, Kurt Russell and Carl Weathers join the cast of heroes, we want it to be a fair fight. They need to battle...
The Indispensables.
1) Hans Gruber
Yes, he's still at the top of the Power Rankings. It's like when every five years the AFI shockingly ranks Citizen Kane as the greatest film of all time. Gruber, however, set the benchmark for every villain that has come after him. From the meticulously groomed facial hair to the hard to place accent, Hans became the action movie villain archetype with the first utterance of "McClane." Gruber is the gold standard of-- Nay, he is the negotiable bearer bonds of evil.
2) General Zod
If we're talking about explosions, a high body count and overall devastation (even though fans of the movie insist that all of Metropolis was evacuated before the brawl and the Kryptonians were merely knocking over empty office buildings), Zod is your man.
2) General Zod
If we're talking about explosions, a high body count and overall devastation (even though fans of the movie insist that all of Metropolis was evacuated before the brawl and the Kryptonians were merely knocking over empty office buildings), Zod is your man.
3) Magneto
He's a terrorist who is convinced that he is just in his cause of redistributing the balance of power so the minorities dominate the globe. If his contradictory ideology doesn't make him dangerous, he can also rip the Adamantium out of Wolverine's pores. The bigger question is: do we go with McKellen or Fassbender? My answer? Both. Suddenly the space-time continuum is at stake, not just Soviet nuclear warheads and Stallone's kidnapped granddaughter.
4) Brock Lesnar as "Himself"
Last time I cast this film, this obligatory WWE wrestler role was held by The Undertaker. How things have changed in four years. Lesnar defeated the Dead Man at Wrestlemania and ended the legendary unbeaten streak. While not an actor (contractually, Brock will not have any dialogue in this movie), Lesnar is a presence. He's a force of nature. He's a beast incarnate who exists solely to F5 Randy Couture. And the owner of an impressive sword/penis tattoo on his chest.
4) Brock Lesnar as "Himself"
Last time I cast this film, this obligatory WWE wrestler role was held by The Undertaker. How things have changed in four years. Lesnar defeated the Dead Man at Wrestlemania and ended the legendary unbeaten streak. While not an actor (contractually, Brock will not have any dialogue in this movie), Lesnar is a presence. He's a force of nature. He's a beast incarnate who exists solely to F5 Randy Couture. And the owner of an impressive sword/penis tattoo on his chest.
5) Gary Oldman in "Air Force One"
He accomplished what every villain in the history of "24" couldn't do: abduct the President. (Note: this is still as true in 2014 as it was in 2010.)
6) Gary Oldman in "The Professional"
Hell, let's just add Gary Oldman in "True Romance," Gary Oldman as Lee Harvey Oswald, Gary Oldman as Dracula, Gary Oldman as Mason Verger, and Gary Oldman in "The Fifth Element." While we're at it, give the man a Spike TV Boner Award for "Best Actor who could win an Oscar every year if he wanted to, but he opts to play Commissioner Gordon instead." God Bless You, Oldman. May you never feel the need to present at the Independent Spirit Awards.
With such a versatile actor, I see no logistical problem with multiple Oldmen1 terrorizing Stallone.
7) The Engineer from "Prometheus"
Why is he here? Why did his race create humanity if only to destroy us? Why leave behind a star map that leads not to your home planet but to a random armory? What was the purpose of the black goo that seems to arbitrarily decimate and evolve? Why is there a mural of an Alien if the Xenomorph doesn't exist until the end credits scene? Why did anything in that entire movie happen if it isn't even a direct prequel to Alien?
Ambiguity is the true enemy of action movies. Kill it with fire, Statham.
He's a bully. He's a time traveler. He bet on the World Series. He sexually assaulted Marty's mother. If that doesn't qualify him for Expendables duty, what will? And since we're now using time travel to bring two generations of Magneto to the present, who better than Old Man Biff to pilot the Delorean?
9) Chow Yun-Fat in "A Better Tomorrow"
What we often forget about the cruel sensei is that before opening his dojo, Don Kreese was in 'Nam serving as a Green Beret. He's not a bitter coach living vicariously through his students: he's ex-Military training his charges to serve as his new militia. He had a cult-like control over his leg sweeping Cobra Kai proteges, making his an ideal fit for the team's field general.
He's the terrifying father figure from your nightmares, powered by a twisted sense of justice and the memory of fire raining down on Charlie.
11) Ed Harris as "The Shadowy Puppetmaster"
A cross between his characters in Snowpiercer and The Truman Show (meaning he'll wear both a bathrobe and a beret), Harris is the ultimate manipulator, writing the rules of the game in his isolated yoga studio (or whatever obscure lair he's cooped up in). I would have cast both Harrises, but we've already covered that with Gary Oldman so it might be doppleganger overkill. And we don't want The Expendables Part IV to be guilty of overkill.
No.
Nic Cage.
So we have a true epic, deserving of the name "Expendables." A slugfest between good and evil. Interstellar implications. Time travel paradoxes. Brock Lesnar. And the promise of Nic Cage.
If all goes well, in four years I'll be back with my suggestions for Expendables V: Cage Match.
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1. By the way, "Multiple Oldmen" will be playing Coachella night two this year.
With such a versatile actor, I see no logistical problem with multiple Oldmen1 terrorizing Stallone.
7) The Engineer from "Prometheus"
Why is he here? Why did his race create humanity if only to destroy us? Why leave behind a star map that leads not to your home planet but to a random armory? What was the purpose of the black goo that seems to arbitrarily decimate and evolve? Why is there a mural of an Alien if the Xenomorph doesn't exist until the end credits scene? Why did anything in that entire movie happen if it isn't even a direct prequel to Alien?
Ambiguity is the true enemy of action movies. Kill it with fire, Statham.
8) Biff Tannen
He's a bully. He's a time traveler. He bet on the World Series. He sexually assaulted Marty's mother. If that doesn't qualify him for Expendables duty, what will? And since we're now using time travel to bring two generations of Magneto to the present, who better than Old Man Biff to pilot the Delorean?
10) Sensei Don Kreese from "The Karate Kid"
What we often forget about the cruel sensei is that before opening his dojo, Don Kreese was in 'Nam serving as a Green Beret. He's not a bitter coach living vicariously through his students: he's ex-Military training his charges to serve as his new militia. He had a cult-like control over his leg sweeping Cobra Kai proteges, making his an ideal fit for the team's field general.
He's the terrifying father figure from your nightmares, powered by a twisted sense of justice and the memory of fire raining down on Charlie.
11) Ed Harris as "The Shadowy Puppetmaster"
A cross between his characters in Snowpiercer and The Truman Show (meaning he'll wear both a bathrobe and a beret), Harris is the ultimate manipulator, writing the rules of the game in his isolated yoga studio (or whatever obscure lair he's cooped up in). I would have cast both Harrises, but we've already covered that with Gary Oldman so it might be doppleganger overkill. And we don't want The Expendables Part IV to be guilty of overkill.
And last, but not least:
12) The Diplomatic Immunity Guy from "Lethal Weapon 2"
And then, in the post-credits scene: A dark figure sits in a New Orleans castle, plotting revenge. Is it Thanos? Smaug? Bane?
No.
Nic Cage.
So we have a true epic, deserving of the name "Expendables." A slugfest between good and evil. Interstellar implications. Time travel paradoxes. Brock Lesnar. And the promise of Nic Cage.
If all goes well, in four years I'll be back with my suggestions for Expendables V: Cage Match.
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