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Lewis and Clark were fine on their own

You know what else really grinds my gears?
I went to the post office to ship off the last load of Christmas whatnot. Priority mail had better be worth it. My total comes to $21.65. I pay with a twenty and a ten. Instead of simply getting back exactly change, the woman at the front desk stiffs me three bucks. I point out her statistical mistake and she stares at me as though I just ordered a salad in a steakhouse and says "No. The change is correct. Look!"
So I look at my palm and in addition tot he 35 cents are three strange coins.
Son of a bitch. She gave me Sacagawea dollars.
Son of a bitch. I hate the US Postal Service!
Seriously, folk. Who the fuck uses these golden atrocities? They look like quarters, but they're not. Vending machines get confused when you use them (thinking that they're quarters). And they're so damn rare that you can never bring yourself to spend them. When you do decide to use them at a store, the clerk will stare at you for a few moments before realizing "OHHH! This is worth a dollar!"

I was about to request three paper dollars before I realized something myself: It's not the post office's fault that they're handing out crappy currency. It's not even the fault of the US Treasury who issued these coins. Who to blame?
I BLAME THIS WOMAN!
SCREW YOU, SACAGAWEA! Did you do anything worthy of being on a coin? All you did was tag along to two perfectly brilliant, white explorers during a trip to the new world. Basically, you were the Horace Grant and Scottie Pippin to Lewis and Clark's Michael Jordan.
Worst of all, what type of currency is she attempting to replace? The $1 bill. And who appears on that bill? George Washington. An American Hero. The Sacagawea dollar is just another ploy by the liberal media/conspiracy to ruin the world. They can't stand that a white man is on the most used bill in the nation. So they first bring in the most famous lesbian before Melissa Ethridge, namely Susan B. Anthony. When Susie fails, here comes Sacagawea. Who's next? Hillary Clinton? Sheryl Swoopes? Oprah?!!!?
I assure you, whenever I take over this land, Ronald Reagan is going to be on every bill, coin and treasury bond. And maybe Barry Zito. Yeah. Reagan and Zito will BOTH be on the $100, as a matter of fact.

Comments

Anonymous said…
You are clearly ignorant of the fact that Lewis and Clark, far from being the intrepid explorers that you claim, would have killed themselves and their crew had it not been for their Indian guide. Sacagawea rescued their party during a treacherous mountain cross after obtaining horses through Naya Nuki (who, in addition to being Sacagawea's best friend, was the sister of the cheif). Had it not been for these horses, the entire company would have died of frostbite in the mountains, dying a slow and undoubtably painful death.
Kate
December 22, 2005 at 8:15 AM
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