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Don't sit crying over good times you had

With the advent of user generated web content, the Internet is supposed to conform to my own needs. Either I don't make a good first impression or the Internet could seriously use a refresher course. I dislike most of the people that Facebook suggests I add as friends (I'm looking at you, "angry dude from college" and "quiet girl I never spoke to in high school"). I hate half the music that Pandora recommends (REO Speedwagon on my "AC/DC" channel? Really?) and Hulu tailors some very strange ads "just for me" (Diaper commercials, LensCrafters, HIV prevention tips for gay Samoan men, etc.). And since I'm a straight, contraceptively competent, and continent caucasian with perfect vision, I'm not sure who that one was meant for.

So I've been hard pressed to see how Web 2.0.1 has made life easier for society. It's just an outlet to post tons of unnecessary information about yourself (see: here). And suddenly it hit me like Guy Gardner: with all of the photos and photos and Tweeterings, Facebook's true societal benefit is apparent. You're now able to get over your ex in record time.

You get dumped, and as we all know, there's normally a recovery time of 1/4th of the relationship length, oftentimes longer. It's always tends to be more like this, less like that. And despite how painfully the relationship ended, we have this way of mythologizing our time together. For example, there's the Vince Vaughn movie "The Breakup." One girl dumped me after we went to see that piece of shit movie, and yet I still pined after her.

You get an idea stuck in your head that you and What'stheirname were the greatest romance since Bogey and Bacall, Antony and Cleopatra, Desmond and Penny, Harold and Maude, Huey Lewis and the News etc. And you have that perfect picture of them in your head, you don't stop reminiscing about their quirks.

You close your eyes, and suddenly your old dinner dates probably have Ryan Adams on the soundtrack (or Carly Simon if you're of that particular generation). It's epic, perfect, and because of that memory you wallow in self pity. Maybe even write bad poetry, trying to learn the harmonica just so you can sing the blues. Hell, even if you stalk them you'll still have a fractured portrait since now you're viewing them through stalker goggles which always subtract 10 pounds and add 20 IQ points.

All because you never get a good look at them after they're gone.

Now, thanks to Facebook, you get to see them plastered, passed out, not wearing make up, in incriminating positions, making inflammatory gestures, gaining weight, writing long diatribes about how much they hated Inception, writing long diatribes about how much they loved Inception. It's hard to get over Ms. Perfect teeth, perfect grammar, perfect everything. But seeing her drunkenly make out with her roommate while some dude pukes behind them and two other guys grab their junk while crashing the photo? Not so much of a loss. Maybe one of your exes thinks that they're going to be a model and look like a cross between Bjork and Chris Tucker in "The Fifth Element?" Pass. Your ex starts rambling on about Hillary Clinton's 2012 presidential campaign? Or any sort of mindless Facebook rant where people comment about comments and like comments and then asking for a dislike button and then disliking that comment...You get the picture. Next.

Because of these photos, recovery time is shortened. It's the penicillin of heartbreak. When there is so much written about yourself on the web, it's easy to find something to despise. And not in the Ben Linus sense of "love to hate," but rather in the Nikki and Paulo, Vaya con Smoke Monster way.

The other benefit of Facebook is that no one my age (Mormons excluded) will ever be able to run for public office, let alone sit in front of a Senate confirmation hearing. "Mr. X, while you are an admirable candidate for the Supreme Court, it seems as though you once blacked out and had the phrase 'boner magnet' scribbled in Sharpie across your face. Would you care to explain that instance and how it might interfere with your interpretation of the founder's intent?" Imagine if JFK or Slick Willy had Facebook profiles during their campaigns. (Digression: perhaps Facebook is just a weapon construed by old school Puritans to ensure their political victories in future generations. Just a thought).

So I salute you, Facebook. You might have wasted hours of our life with Farmville, but at least we can rest easy knowing that our exes are all politically active whoremongering bullets that we thankfully dodged.

*****
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