Skip to main content

Chivalry.com - "Single Princess Seeking Rescue"

DISTRESSED_DAMSEL:

Single princess seeking rescue.  I’m currently being held captive in a tower defended by a molten lava moat and possibly an enchanted riddle or three.  Exact details about my imprisonment aren’t important, but I will say it has been far too long since a knight has attempted to scale these walls and free me.

A bit more about myself: Before I was locked away, my ideal Sunday involved frequenting the market run by the local farmers, then trekking across the hillside before retiring to the castle to pop open a skin of wine.

I know this is a silly way to meet someone (we maidens all hope to find our Prince Charming through chance), but I believe in love and I’m ready to be rescued.  I’m not just looking for a hero; I’m looking for a best friend.


SHININGKNIGHT85:

My dear Damsel,

A carrier pigeon brought this parchment and I must say your letter truly spoke to me.  And I am not just referring to the beauty of your attached portrait (by the way, was that painted before or after your capture?).  I honestly feel as though we are both looking for the same things in life.

Let me know if you’re interested and I’ll break you free from that dungeon.  Maybe this Friday night?  There’s a double feature minstrel show at the New Beverly amphitheater and I think you’d really enjoy it.  Enclosed with this parchment is my own portrait.  The hunting dog at my feet is named Brutus.  He was a rescue.  Love the little guy.

P.S. There is no shame in sending out an S.O.S.  If anyone ever asks, we can say that we met when reaching for the same leg of mutton in the freezer case at Joe's trading post.


DISTRESSED_DAMSEL:

Ha ha!  You’re quite funny, ShiningKnight85!  Unfortunately, Friday doesn’t work for me.  My wicked stepmother fears that I will fulfill some ancient prophecy, supplant her power, and then take control of the kingdom.  Long story short, the planets are going to align this Friday so she’s stopping by to make sure that I haven’t been miraculously gifted with any magical abilities.  Trying to rescue me then would be far too perilous.

While we’re waiting to find a day that works, I’d love to know a bit more about you.  Where did you go to school?  Any secret talents?


SHININGKNIGHT85:

Wicked stepmother?  Terrible to hear that your folks split up.  Divorce can be a real downer.  The night sky on Friday was, indeed, beautiful.  Made me think of you.  Really hoped that you weren’t dead due to a politically-and-mystically-motivated homicide.

Born to noble parents, I squired on the east coast before moving back to the homestead to start my career in the kingdom.  Some call it dull, but wearing a suit every day works for me.  There is plenty more to say about my vocation, but it would be much easier to tell you about it in person.  Does Saturday night work for your schedule?


DISTRESSED_DAMSEL:

Sorry for not writing back sooner.  Work this past week has been insane.  Stepmother had me breaking rocks out in the garden for hours on end.  It was lonely, although I will say that it was nice to be let out of the tower for once.  And this next week might be even worse.  There’s talk of the peasants forming a militia to defeat my stepmother so I’m unsure as to my availability.

Before we make firm plans, I would still like to learn more details about your person.  Really want this rescue to be perfect.  How open are you to siring children down the line?


SHININGKNIGHT85:

Princess, I apologize in advance for being brusque, but you really seem to be dragging your feet.  Do you even want to be freed from that tower?  The whole reason someone sends out a plea for rescue is to find a knight to take her out.  You don’t have to stay in that lonely cell and be forced into slave labor.  All you have to do is say yes.  When you’re alone in a dungeon, you can’t afford to be picky.  Can you?


SHININGKNIGHT85:

I haven’t heard back from you recently, Damsel.  Sorry if that last message came off as hostile, but when there is a woman with beauty such as yours, I find it difficult to wait.  Hope you’re still in the tower and that your stepmother hasn’t gone through with the next phase of her political coup.


DISTRESSED_DAMSEL:

Of course I wish to find someone.  But if I’m going to be rescued, I want it to lead to something serious and meaningful.  I’ve seen what a broken marriage can do, particularly when there are claims to the throne involved.  I don’t want to end up back in a dungeon after embarking on a single quest.  I truly want to live happily ever after.  If that is also what you want, do write back and you can rescue me this Friday night.


AUTOMATED REPLY FROM CARRIER PIGEON:

We’re sorry, but the profile you messaged is no longer active with this service.


FIRST_TIME’S_THE_CHARMING:

Milady, I just received your call for help.  I feel as though we have so much in common and are both looking for the same things in life.  How does Saturday afternoon sound for a rescue and a hike through the canyon?

 **************








Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

1 October 2007 - The One Where Max Lives like he was dying

Now this might sound like a slightly melodramatic overexaggeration, but over this past weekend, I faced a crossroads that changed the structure of my entire being and put me on a completely different path. If you're still reading, I applaud you and ask you to bare with me. Basically, I had a choice: One option meant that I would stay in Auckland and work on my 1500 word " Singin' in the Rain " paper as well as my upcoming in-class essay on Paul Gauguin. The other involved a weekend long trip that would put me in mortal danger and annihilate the balance of my checking account. So the choice was obvious. And I? I took the road less traveled by and decided to drive down to Lake Taupo on Friday afternoon and put off my papers until...well...right now (and I suppose this blog gives me yet another outlet for procrastination). So what was this mystery trip? I was going to wake up on Saturday morning and put my pants on one leg at a time. But once my pants were on, I wa...
Post a Comment
Read more

HR's Response to the Always Be Closing Speech

--> Dear Mr. Blake- My office has received numerous complaints in response to Tuesday’s speech to the sales team re: the Glengarry leads.   These troubling accusations detail inappropriate conduct such as: verbal abuse, workplace bullying, emasculation, damage to self-esteem and emotional health, and the overall fostering of a hostile and cutthroat work environment, all of which flies in the face of the mission statement and core values of Mitch & Murray Real Estate.   You employed inflammatory language and certain epithets that you can’t use anymore (and never should have been able to use, if we’re being honest), leading to a speech that was offensive to a multitude of groups, even those not present in the room (Note to self: We should make a concerted effort to hire at least one woman to our sales staff). In another office, any of these infractions would be grounds for termination.   Per our company guidelines, however, we are now consideri...
Post a Comment
Read more

Autopsy Report - Cause of Death: Toxic Masculinity

Marin County Coroner’s Office Name of Deceased: McDowell, Trent Sex: Male Age: 31 T.O.D: 9:31pm Body identified by: The woman the deceased was dating (not “his girlfriend.”   She made this distinction - see supplementary notes for details) Autopsy performed by: Randy “Doc Savage” Russell, M.D. EXTERNAL EXAMINATION: The autopsy began at 11:30PM on February 14th.   The victim was wearing a Brooks Brothers blazer over an Oakland Raiders t-shirt.   Upon removal of the deceased’s clothes, I detected an odor of Tom Ford Noir cologne, applied liberally. Calluses on hands are consistent with lifting free weights and not actual manual labor.   Judging by the proportional strength of quadriceps and gluteus maximus muscles, the deceased rarely skipped leg day. Victim has two tattoos.   One of the Greek letters “Sigma Chi” across right biceps.   On the left anterior deltoid, the second tattoo reads: “Blood, Sweat and Respect.   The fi...
Post a Comment
Read more