Max-stravaganza

This is another post dedicated to all of the supressed memories that "Party Shuffle" brings back. I believe in Romantic literature this is called "Return of the repressed," but I could (and probably) am mistaken. "I Saw the Sign" came up today while I tried to finish up a paragraph connecting James Joyce and Modernism (which is kind of like connecting Barry Bonds and steroids or Def Leppard and Rocking). Ace of Base was kicking it old school, so I decided to put on the rest of their hits as well, e.g. Don't Turn Around, Cruel Summer, All That She Wants. And then I came to the horrifying realization...it's the same beat on all of their songs. Ace of Base only has one base line, albeit a great one, that was repeated far too often. They were the Nickelback of their day. The exact same beat. If you play the White Album backwards, you hear Paul McCartney telling you to do drugs and then he gives you the recipe for a kicking lentil stew. if you p...

Well, since last we spoke I got through hell week relatively unscathed. However, at the end of the first annual Max-stravaganza, I ended up with sinuses (sinuses? sinii? Sinai?) that were more congested than the 405 during rush hour and didn't feel much like celebrating anymore. So that left me with a week of nothing to do, and without the energy to even get out of bed. So as for finals week, I've got two take homes. The first, administered by the saintly Prof. Nick Warner (*swoons*), is very managable and does a good job of demonstrating our knowledge of Neoclassic and victorian writers. The second, given to me by the exiting Prof. Richard Samuelson consists of 15 pages of mindless Civil War nonsense. Needless to say, Warner's final is pretty much my way of procrastinating and not taking care of "the thought of John C. Calhoun vs. John Quincy Adams." As I'm sure many of you are wondering, I do, in fact, have a pretty good iTunes playlist that keeps m...

Recently, Men's Health Magazine (aka the Gospel According to Whey Protein) came out with an article about proportionality in your workout. They insist that if weighed on a scale, your biceps would only amount to about 3% of your total body weight. And in the world according to MH, only about 3% of your workout should be dedicated to said muscles. Now, I'm a firm believer in Men's Health. It's my homepage. It's my spiritual text. It's what I read on the elliptical. Actually, it told me that men are allowed to run on the elliptical to begin with (no longer the Title IX version of the treadmill). Hell, I even have a copy signed by one of the male models who posed for the special abdominal issue (BTW, I know what you're thinking and no, this does not make me gay). The periodical has taught me how to eat right, how to exercise, AND it taught me all about what women want . That's an ability that only Mel Gibson has. But this new article has gone too ...

We were waiting in line for Bill Clinton tickets last Monday, and since there was a moritorium on Assassins, boredom set it. So we did the only thing that bored college students with pens and paper could....we played MASH . I know what you're thinking: Isn't that game meant for 6th graders on 2 hour bus rides to the aquarium for a field trip? I like to think that MASH fits well for any line in which FastPass is not an option. A lot of people have postulated as to my future. Some have predicted that I'll end up rich, famous and alone. Others have predicted that I'll end up in a ditch after offending the wrong minority. So allow me to stop the guessing game and give you my MASHIP'd future: I'll be living in an igloo, married to Emmy Rossum and we'll have 2.5 kids. I'll be working as a Naval Aviator and I'll drive a Diet Pepsi Truck to work everyday. Yup. Future's not going to be too bad. Only problem is that these results confuse me a tad...

I submitted this last week for the Writing Center's little literary journal competition. I never heard back, so I'm assuming that the first prize e-mail got lost somewhere in the interweb, or that I'm probably not getting published. But isn't that what these blogs are for? So, in its entirety, is my entry. It started out as an epic poem, turned into a power ballad, and is now just some sort of Seussian work. I would also like to add that none of this is based on my own personal experiences. I may have a thorough knowledge of people's lives, but I would never resort to what follows. Facebook Stalker By Max Davison Hey there, do you also think this party’s lame? I can’t stand watching the same old Beirut game. I really wish there was something more to do Maybe if they had a tournament for Taboo? No fooling! It’s my favorite board game, too! I suppose The toughest word I ever got was “Axl Rose” Luckily my teammate’s favorite song is “Paradis...

I had to go to Pitzer last week to get my final study abroad course form signed. I timed myself and it takes me only 8 minutes 42 seconds of brisk walking to traverse two campuses and get there. I only had to cross Mills and I was already in another world. You would think that 8 minutes wouldn't change your surroundings too much, but it was like I walked through a magical wardrobe or got swept up in a tornado or started tripping on LSD. But this time I didn't see fauns or munchkins or Jim Morrison telling me to shoot everybody (although I did find a dealer within my first two minutes on Pitzer). No, rather I got a lot of weird looks from people dressed like John Lennon before he got shot (read: Urban Outfitters). It's as though Pitzer students have a seventh sense about people like me. Their spidey sense starts tingling and immediately they all think "Voted for Bush! Kill! Kill! Kill!" But the mere fact that this campus is so different from every other o...

I never thought that I would remotely see the day when people actually asked me to update this shrine to my own ego that some call "a blog." But the impossible happened, and I'm back in blogging business. The other reason that I've decided to do it is that from now until April 26th, I'm going to have over 60 pages of papers due. (Pause so that all men reading this will say "Wow. What a man!" and so that all women will take pity on me and offer to cuddle). So for the next 4 weeks while I'm twitching due to sleep deprivation and Red Bull overdoses, I'll find more time to get away from James Joyce and Tennyson and start aimlessly ranting about nothing at all. Kind of like the resurgence of the high five. Recently, Man Law has determined that the high five is going out of style and is overplayed. Jerome Bettis testified that he gave his teammates a high five after the Super Bowl...but he also gave a stranger on the street a high five after he f...

Although it's undeniably great to be back home, I was somewhat apprehensive about my first week of vacation. The spectre of Jury Duty was haunting my life. I was originally called back in October but got it postponed until the week before Christmas. Apparently "full time student" doesn't qualify as a decent excuse anymore. What's next, the army will start drafting paraplegics? That's not to say that the disabled can't serve in the military. No, I'm not going to discriminate against someone just because they're missing their legs and part of their right deltoid after a freak cornballer-related accident. Even though we may be able bodied, the folk in wheelchairs may be more able minded...as is the case with Professor Charles Xavier, who with one thought can make you strip off all your clothes, smother yourself in bacon fat and hide in your dirty clothes hamper. But I digress. The good people at the Los Angeles County Superior Court (hencefort...

Last minute gift ideas for that special lady... Not only does Justin Timberlake continue to shame all Chris Kirkpatrick fans by proving that he was the brains behind *NSYNC, but he successfully makes SNL funny. I'm thinking that Time has a new candidate for Man of the Year. Oh, and if there are any attractive and single women in the LA area who think this is a good Christmas/Channukah/Kwanzaa/Festivus present, please leave me a message with your name and favorite color of ribbon and we'll talk.

Know what the best part of being home is? No, it's not the food. Actually, for my first night back we just ordered Chinese and watched Young Frankenstein. God have I missed City Wok's sesame beef and string beans. A little taste of heaven is what that is...that's assuming that the angel chefs still cook with MSG. But that may be just #5 in my list of best things about maX-mas break. (Sidebar: that's right, MaX-mas. Some red staters may call that sacreligious, but they're just jealous that I have the letter X in my first name. If their names were more compliant with this awesome holiday moniker, they'd redact their complaints.) (Sidebar sub 2: Some may be wondering why, in fact, I am not writing this blog entry in the form of a countdown. Well, in recent weeks, Men's Health magazine has warned me against being "too John Cusack." In this holiday season, a lot of religious asian types have told me to ask WWJCD. I took this to mean: make as ...

Believe it or not, I'm actually working on some new entries that will be halfway decent. I even annoy myself when I say "Oh! that'll be on my blog tomorrow!" and I lazily ignore said topic and play Halo for extended periods of time. So in the meanwhile, allow me to be just like every other teenager (for only 3 months more, mind you) and just type out some song lyrics that are somewhat pertinent to my situation. If you're down and confused And you don't remember who you're talking to Concentration can slip away Because your baby's so far away And there's a rose in a fisted glove And the eagle flies with the dove And if you can't be with the one you love Love the one you're with Yup. I'm trying to get all of my angst out of my system before Christmas. Only 14 more shopping days left!

A lot of idiot freedom haters (read: the people in charge of Congress) have been complaining about the national anthem. No one really knows the lyrics and it's an angry ode to war. Well, always the one for compromise, I've found a solution. It's a little diddy that I like to call, This is Our Country. The song can inspire, embiggen, and sell Chevys. The commerical shows images of Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King, so I suppose this retroactively makes John Cougar Mellencamp an integral part of the civil rights movement. Allow me to utilize my knowledge of the transitive propety for a moment. Baseball is America's pasttime. The only thing that interrupted the World Series were the incessant Chevrolet ads with John Mellencamp. So "This is Our Country" is more important than Baseball. It's also the most American song on the radio right now (apart from anything sung by Toby Keith) and in these dreadful, Rumsfeld-less times, we need as much patriotism as...

Yes, it's been a while since my last post. But if you know me, you'll understand that I've had far too much going on in my life to trifle with the blog. Yes, that's right: The McRib is back. And just for the record, I won't be making any "boneless pork" jokes in this entry. Nope, my humor is far above those sophomoric jokes about how we haven't seen this much boneless porking since Denise Richards and Neve Campbell in "Wild Things" or that Nancy Pelosi feels that if boneless porking is allowed to be served in our fast food restaurants, marriage between two consenting adults should be permitted. Yep, won't be touching that one. Well, in honor of this holiday that Squanto refers to as "Thankstaking," I decided to list off what I'm thankful for this year. And since the holidays bring out my unrivaled pessimism, I'll also include my "Not Thankful and could do without" list. Enjoy. THANKFUL: 1) That Tom and K...

You can't start a fire without a spark If we were to create a time capsule to enshrine the greatest moments of the 1980s, this Brian DePalma-directed video would have to go up there with the Fall of the Berlin Wall and Kirk Gibson's 9th inning homer/fist pump. The Boss is in top form here, busting out dance moves that the world would not see again until Elaine Benes at the Peterman Christmas party. Even though Brad Paisley insists that alcohol helps, if it weren't for this video, white people wouldn't have started dancing at all. 0:03 - We start out in black and fade into Bruce's Parkinsons-esque arm movements. It appears as though he came straight to the concert from his office's bowling night and didn't feel like changing his shirt. 0:34 - The first jump stop/subsequent point to the audience of the night for the Boss. By my count, he gets up to about 8. 0:46 - Have you ever wondered what it would look like if Michael J Fox were to do the Twist? Yeah, ...

As a registered Republican, I hate freedom of speech. Worst. Idea. Ever. Some people use "helicopter ejection seat" or "submarine screen door" as their go to concept of a misguided concept. As for me, it's all about the First Amendment. I mean, what does religious freedom remotely have to do with the foundation of this nation? However, as a future screenwriter/waiter, I need the ability to write whatever the hell I want. My first collegiate run in with censorship came last month as my column for the Claremont Independent was deemed "objectively offensive to specific groups on campus" and it was suggested that I heavily edit a good portion of my article, namely "most of it." I now present to you the article in its entirety. I allow you to be the judges of whether or not it should have been wrongfully removed from print. CMC Adopts ‘Survivor’ Model for Diversity By Max Davison Claremont, CA - After seeing the commercial success of CBS’s ...

Prologue: The Return of the King Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, you had to walk into mine. A few months ago, an update to this blog seemed about as likely as a Van Halen reunion, the Democrats winning both houses of Congress, ABC airing an episode of "Lost" that doesn't suck, and those retarded little kids actually putting the idol together in the Shrine of the Silver Monkey. Well, seeing as David Lee Roth is content on putting out bluegrass cover albums , there's no way that New Jersey is going Blue, the damn writing staff feels content on stringing us along with a question to answer ratio of about 4815162342 to 1, and "Legends of the Hidden Temple" has been off the air for a decade...this blog is the surest thing of the whole lot. The new, motivated Max Davison (who apparently now speaks in the third person as though he's Rickey Henderson) has decided to update this page as frequently as possible. So sit back and enjoy my...

Well, it's been a god awful long time since I've posted anything. I could go on and on apologizing/explaining my absense. And people could go on and on bitching about how their lives were meaningless without my witty comments. Let's simply bypass that and move on with our lives, shall we? So, I haven't been updating since I've started writing for the CMC online newspaper, The Forum. http://forum.ascmc.org If you want your weekly dose of Max, check out the website and read my columns. They'll entertain you while I'm trying to think of something about which to blog. This is a bit of a cop out of an entry since it doesn't contain any actual content...but consider it a harbinger of things to come. I will start paying attention to this blog, don't worry.

Yeah. It's been a while since the last entry. At least I'm still managing to outperform David Delgado . My non-denominational Holiday break was composed of much celebration of a religious manner as well as my own personal church, the First Congregation of NetFlix. The tone was similar to one of those days when you were sick in Middle School. You had to wait until 3:30 when school got out to call a friend and get the homework assignment, and due to your illness you couldn't logically do anything physical. So you sat down on the couch with a glass of Sprite and watched tons of crappy daytime TV (read: The View, Katie Couric and whatever local morning news was on). Well, the years have gone by and that glass of Sprite has been replaced with Sierra Mist and crappy daytime TV (which, in fact, is still crappy and full of women that I can't stand *cough* Star Jones you will always be fat to me *cough*) is now composed of my NetFlix queue and episodes of Best Week Ever on...

Since my Niners are out of the playoffs yet again this season (despite the fact that they doubled last year's win total), it's that time of the year in which I jump onto the least favorable bandwagon. Why the least favorable as opposed to...the Patriots every year? Because unlike my friend Will Wagner (read: band WAGner), I like to root for the underdog. It makes the postseason that much more enjoyable. And like the elitist that I am, I can't cheer on the favorite. So who am I picking to win Super Bowl LV? None other than the New England Patriots. I know what you're thinking and allow me to answer your two questions: yes, I do wear stylish boxer shorts and b) this is NOT the same thing as picking the Pats last season. They have been proven to be fallible as their 10-6 record proves. If anything, this is a bold pick on my part since starting LT Todd Light is out for the season. Normally I would root against the "dynasty" since it takes attention away fro...

A new feature to this blog will be the annual award for "Outstanding achievement in his or his field without getting the proper respect from the public." A bit of a long award name, but I'll make a big enough trophy to fit every last character. Anyhoo... The first runner up for this pretigious award is none other than Mr. Stedman Graham. Why does Stedman seem familiar to you? Well, the man is an accomplished author, motivational speaker and he played collegiate basketball. He founded the non-profit organization "Athletes Against Drugs" and has published such books as "You Can Make It Happen Every Day" and "The Ultimate Guide to Sport Event Management & Marketing." He is an accomplished man and philanthropist. But this means nothing to the general public. If anyone knows Stedman, it's as Oprah's boyfriend . He is only known to the world as "that dude who's never going to marry her." He will forever be second to...